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Old 09-29-2009, 04:19 AM   #1
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Mum died one year ago today

It's only days like this I allow myself to think about her properly otherwise I try to push aside those memories, I turn the tele over if it mentions cancer at all, last week work was raising money for Macmillian Nurses so I didn't go in.

My nan and myself looked after her for a year while she died. I did very little I selfishly hid upstairs whenever I wasn't at uni. We didn't have a very good relationship she had anxiety disorders and was quite paranoid so she refused to stay in hospital when her knee and hip bones broke due to the cancer spreading there or take antibiotics when she had infectionsfrom the cafeta. We did such a bad job and she was a very proud women so sheoften shouted at us. Doctors and disrict nurses must be used to carers doing a badjob as they never seemed appalled like I was at the standard of her care. Maybe I was nieve when I assumed morphine and doctors kept u comfortable as you die. I just hate to think back to what a child she became, wide eyed and hallucinating. Her screams and sobbing when we changed her sheets.

I had my first dream about her last week where she wasn't ill she was just being picky with me like she'd always been it was such a relief. Now today it seems I'm back where I started, cryin looking at her ashes. I just hope i pull myself together before work this evening. I feel like i'm being punished for trying to ignore her dying and still trying to ignore her now

 
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Old 09-29-2009, 10:33 AM   #2
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Re: Mum died one year ago today

Hi - I'm sorry about your Mom. My Mom was the same, she hated hospitals and wouldn't go. It's impossible for family to care for patients as well as a trained staff would. My Mom eventually went to the hospital and died. I often wish we would have just left her home but at the time we had no idea she was that ill. We thought she was weak from not eating and that a few days in the hospital will help her. Don't feel bad about the care she got because it's what she chose. She wanted to stay home. I've realized now that it's an unfair thing to put a family through so when that time comes for me, I would rather go to the hospital.

I also tend to push away thoughts. I don't watch anything on cancer or really anything about Moms in general. I hate shows about mothers and daughters. It's just too soon to listen to all that.

I hope your day wasn't too awful. I dread the first anniversary of my Mom's passing. I'm sending hugs your way.


((((hugs)))

 
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