My love story is a very short story, one with a very sad ending. I met my husband in November, 2007. We had one date and were inseperable from that day forward. In January of 2008 I moved in with him and in July of 2008 we were married. I love this man more than life. He was everything I had waited 43 years for. He was handsome and had the best attitude about life. He made me feel like the most beautiful person in the world. There was not a day that went by that he wasn't making me laugh. In November of 2008 he started not feeling well and I took him to the doctor. We found out that he had Stage 4 colon cancer that metastisized to his liver, lymphnodes and bones. After a few months of chemotherapy we thought he was getting much better. Only to find out that he wasn't. The doctors decided to end his chemotherapy and gave him about a month to live. On August 29, 2009 my wonderful husband passed away in hospice. I am suffering from much guilt. Guilt because I promised not to put him in hospice, I promised that I would hold his hand in the end, I promised that I would be there for him. In the end I HAD to put him in hospice and I couldn't hold his hand. I was so scared about him passing that I could only stand at the end of the bed and beg for him not to go. My mother held his hand and brushed his brow when he took his last breath. I failed him. It has been a month that he is gone and I don't feel any better. In fact, I think I feel worse than I did a month ago. I am questioning my faith, I am questioning if there is a God and a Heaven. I am questioning why my husband was put in my life for less than 2 years. I am questioning WHY about everything. WHY DID HE GET CANCER? WHY DID HE DIE? WHY DID I PUT HIM IN HOSPICE? WHY DID I NOT HOLD HIS HAND WHEN HE TOOK HIS LAST BREATH?
I miss him so much and I feel as if I can't go on. I feel as if there is nothing to go for.....I feel like I want to curl up and go away. This sadness that I feel is overwhelming and consuming my life. When people ask how I am doing I just want to scream HOW DO YOU THINK I AM DOING? MY HUSBAND JUST DIED. I don't know if people understand the loss that I am feeling. Does this ever get better? Am I ever going to be the same again? Will life feel as dreadful in the future as it does now? I want my husband back and unfortunately that is not going to happen. I just don't know what to feel and do at this point.
On the issue of faith, I have some very major questions. One one hand, I can't imagine anything as complex as this universe (and possibly beyond) being an accident. But it's easier for me to think of a powerful source rather than a personal God. I guess it's easier for me to tolerate the pain of life if I don't think of it as being "personal", actually directed at me by one who many think of as a "loving" God.
On the other hand, when I read your story all I could think of is how very lucky your husband was to find you. I am a very non-confrontational person and I do not want to cause you any more pain. But maybe this wasn't about you. Maybe you were the person that "loving" God gave to your husband to make his last 2 years on this earth joyful. What would he have gone through if he hadn't had you? Assuming his life was going to end when it did, assuming that was determined, how would he have survived those last months if not for your love?
You see, I'm that person. I really don't have anyone in my life. I have friends but not that person who's world I changed. And I promise you that if I found the type of love you had with your husband, it would be devastating to lose it so quickly. It would make me angry as hell. But it would also make facing my death easier. I could leave with a lighter heart knowing that I'd found true love. I don't know if it makes sense, but it's like it would make my life real to have had that experience. That fact that I may not is actually one of the hardest burdens I am facing as I grow older.
You didn't fail your husband. You did the best you could do as your world was falling apart. What a wonderful thing that your Mom was holding his hand. It was just more love, more that he belonged to you. And the hospice? That's what they are there for. I'd bet 1/2 of the people there "were promised" (hoped) it would not come to that. This is like the couple who have the fight and don't make up before one of them suddenly dies. That one fuss does not negate the love they had before.
And lastly, no, you're life won't be the same. Right now you'll be thinking of him all the time. First thought in the morning, last thought at night. But eventually, the pain will ease. Just try very hard to forgive yourself for any weakness you experienced. That weakness was born of the deep love you had for him. If you'd not been overwhelmed by the pain, you could have been perfect. As time passes, think about the good you were able to give to his life during those months. He was the love of your life. But you may have been even more for him. You may have been meant to be there to give his entire life meaning.