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Old 10-09-2009, 06:44 PM   #1
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Nightmare21 HB User
Unhappy I'm numb

Hello,

Hello, I just found this site and thought I might be able to find some support or be able to vent out some feelings. On September 23, 2009 my 21 year old daughter decided to end her own life by drug overdose. She was our only child. She had problems in the past but we never thought it would end like this. The past 5 years have been the hardest for her. Growing up she never gave us much trouble. Even in her teen years she was well behaved. She was quiet, shy and seemed to become more anti-social as the years went on where as a child she was the exact opposite. She had very few friends, didn't go out much and spent most of her time at home on the computer, watching TV or sleeping. She stayed to herself and was quite the "hermit". My husband and I suspected she suffered from depression and social anxiety. She always seemed to avoid anything social and said she'd rather be alone most days. She also suffered from an eating disorder for 5 years and was a possible drug user. She was going to college but after two years said it was taking to long to get her degree so she dropped out and got a full time job. As the months went by she seemed to become more and more depressed now that I look at it. She stopped caring about her apearance, her relationships with her friends suffered and she had the "I dont care" attitude about everything. She seemed hopeless and sad. She would job hop constantly - she couldnt keep a job for more than a few months without quiting or just not showing up for work. She quit her last job just 2 weeks before ending her life. We didn't even know she quit this job until after her death. She was applying for jobs, but she told me it was because she was tired of her current job (her typical excuse). She soon started to run out of money and was worried she couldn’t pay her bills. I asked why she was running out of money since she was working (or so we thought) and she claimed that they cut her hours so much that she couldn't pay her bills. So she started selling things online, including her most treasured belonging, her laptop. I guess things became too much for her to handle. That following week was when she ended her life. That night, she got into her car and parked it in the middle of a near by neighborhood. She took her many pills, put her ipod on and laid down in the backseat of her car where she passed. She set up an auto email to the cops telling them of her plans and where she could be found. That's how they contacted us.

I’m still numb. I don’t really feel much of anything right now. She left no note and left so many unanswered questions. I feel bad because I don't feel anything. I was devastated, crying uncontrolably when we got word of her suicide. But now I feel nothing.

The strangest part of this entire thing is my ability to return to work and "normal" living as quickly as I did. Just 3 days after her death I returned to work and continued my daily routine as I usually do. Even my boss was shocked that I returned so quickly and offered me more time off. Some days I feel as if nothing has happened. Like if she were away on a vacation and would be back shortly. I feel guilty not feeling more sad about this. I should be feeling something. Anything.

Last edited by Nightmare21; 10-09-2009 at 07:23 PM.

 
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Old 10-09-2009, 07:12 PM   #2
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friendsville HB User
Re: I'm numb

I am so sorry for your loss.Your sense of loss will always be in your heart,but I believe the creator spared you of the grief that one normally has for endless months and years.Pray for her that she will be at peace in her new home.When you are able,please think of giving some time to the mentally troubled that she left behind.I tried to help the visually handicapped,when I could.I have had depression for some years,and have fought the battle by joining a self-help
group for 20 years.Needed no meds during that period.Best of luck to you and your spouse,with this most difficult time. Bill

 
Old 10-12-2009, 06:12 AM   #3
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Re: I'm numb

Quote:
Some days I feel as if nothing has happened. Like if she were away on a vacation and would be back shortly. I feel guilty not feeling more sad about this. I should be feeling something. Anything.
Different people grieve in different ways. Don't feel guilty for not feeling as sad as you think you should. I had similar feelings when my dad died last year, I was doing the same things I had done before just a week after he passed away. I guess in your mind you can deny she died because you don't see her anymore and thats probably not a bad thing and helps you cope. You may have released a lot of grief when as you say "I was devastated, crying uncontrolably when we got word of her suicide." So it's normal to be all "cried out" at this point. Although don't be surprised when out of the blue something triggers a crying episode, like like going to the supermarket and seeing the things she liked, or driving somewhere and thinking about the places you went together.

 
Old 10-12-2009, 08:25 PM   #4
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Al To HB User
Re: I'm numb

I'm sorry to hear of your loss.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nightmare21 View Post
I’m still numb. I don’t really feel much of anything right now. She left no note and left so many unanswered questions. I feel bad because I don't feel anything. I was devastated, crying uncontrolably when we got word of her suicide. But now I feel nothing.


...I feel guilty not feeling more sad about this. I should be feeling something. Anything.
The word should is the basis of the guilt you are feeling. It sounds like you have a high expectation on yourself that you are not meeting. Are you placing the expectations of others upon yourself?

Quote:
Originally Posted by Nightmare21 View Post
Even my boss was shocked that I returned so quickly.
There is nothing wrong with the way you feel at any given moment. Don't expect to feel a certain way because of comments other people might make or they way you view other people dealing with death. It's okay to feel what you feel.

It is very understandable that you would be numb after such a traumatic experience. There still could be traces of shock or denial (as was previously mentioned). Everyone is different, and where ever you are emotionally, that is where you are supposed to be at this moment. That is tangible. That will help you deal with your real feelings.

Possibly, there will be other feelings beside extreme hurt, sadness, and devastation (that you've already experienced) but just because you are not feeling those feelings as strongly at the moment, doesn't mean that your grieving process is over. Don't be surprised if you feel angry, at some point. If that arises, talk about it. Even if you feel angry, it doesn't mean you don't love someone and don't miss them. You have a right to feel anything... even anger.

Sadly, this was your daughter's decision. If she had clearly asked for help, I assuredly assume that you and your husband would have gone to the ends of the Earth to be of assistance. Don't blame yourself.

My brother's first wife took her own life when she was in her late 20's. There were obvious signs that she was headed in that direction. Problems as you have mentioned: alcohol, (possible drugs), depression, and an eating disorder. It was a rollercoaster ride for several years. Help was offered to her - sometimes accepted, sometimes rejected. She checked herself out of a treatment facility - without the staff calling my brother. (We're still unsure how that happened.) That same day, she visited one of his friends, posing to buy a gun that was for sale. Not knowing the condition she was in, he loaded the gun and handed it to her - then she commited suicide.

It's hard to understand why people kill themselves and I'm certain there is more than one single reason, but the people that are left behind also handle it differently. My sister-in-law's oldest daughter was 9 years old (now 25) and I don't think I have ever heard her mention anything about it. We don't want to push the issue - we just let her deal with it in her own way, letting her know we would listen. Her youngest daughter was 4, and there were many, many nights of crying to sleep and even today there are unanswered questions and moments of sadness. Me personally, I am matter-of-fact. I still have emotions but my grieving times are usually brief. My wife lost her father three months ago after years of sickness and decline. She is still grieving and honestly, I don't know when it will end for her. I said all of that to say this... You are not alone. We are all different and yet we are all the same. <><

Last edited by Al To; 10-12-2009 at 08:25 PM.

 
Old 10-13-2009, 11:06 AM   #5
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Re: I'm numb

First off, I am sorry for your family to have this experience, and I can relate. And secondly... No, you should not feel guilty. I think you are in a bit of a state of shock/disbelieve. Although u cried it may be surreal to you now, so your feelings aren't unheard of. I think it would be good for you to seek counseling, at least to help you sort out your feelings. This is something no one can feel for you, nor can we tell you how to express your feelings. I just want you to be okay b/c you have a double whammy- losing ANYONE by suicide is very traumatic and you also lost your daughter so you will not act like a typical grieving loved one. Take care of yourself, seek a counselor and don't be afraid to let it out. God bless

 
Old 10-28-2009, 09:22 AM   #6
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Re: I'm numb

I think in order to survive, the mind does what it has to. You have to go to work and if you're emotional, that will effect your job. I went through something similar when my mom died. I had to take care of everything and being hysterical would've made that experience even more difficult than it would have been. Next month it will be a year since my mom died. I continue to grieve over that loss and probably always will to some extent. We were very close.

My nephew committed suicide a few weeks ago and reading your post made me think a lot about my sister. She is in such a terrible place, blaming herself, blaming others for my nephew's choice to end his own life. I wish I had some words of comfort for her but, really, I don't. I'm still in shock.

 
Old 10-30-2009, 05:37 PM   #7
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marshmallow HB User
Re: I'm numb

I am so sorry for your loss. I have had many losses to deal with and I think the death of a child is the hardest. Maybe you are in shock and the reality has not set in yet. We all deal with grief in different ways but maybe it is a protection for you right now to feel numb. Your grief may be so deep you are afraid to feel it whatever the case dont feel guilt it is a waste of time because you cannot change anything. My heart goes out to you. When the tears come let them flow and don't be afraid.

 
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