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Old 11-05-2009, 10:46 PM   #1
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Join Date: Nov 2009
Location: pearl river new york
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lost1987 HB User
Unhappy I feel so alone!

A little over a year ago my mother passed away. I have suffered from depression my whole life, but in the last year I've felt worse then I've ever had. I miss my mom so much, I just wish I could see her again. I think I am having a lot of trouble because she died so suddenly. My mom was a completely healthy person and just passed away one day from a bacterial infection. I woke up one morning and my mom was home from work because she thought she had a stomach virus. She was throwing up and sleeping all morning. Throughout the day she seemed to just get worse, she started complaining of chest pains and that she couldnt feel her legs. I noticed that her lips looked like they were turning a light blue. I called 911 and the ambulance came, even they said she was fine and probably had some type of flu. When we got to the ER she started to get worse and started having trouble breathing. I stayed in the room with her and held her hand while she was crying and telling me that she couldnt move and that she had never felt so much pain. I realized that something was very wrong when I told her it was okay and just keep holding my hand and she said she didnt know i was holding her hand. In a matter of three hours my moms skin started to turn completely purple over her entire body and she bacame unconscious. Doctors didnt even know what was wrong, they told me they didnt think she was going to make it. About twenty minuetes later she stopped breathing. They later told me she died from sepsis due to streptococcal pnuemonia. Which is a bacteria that enterd into her bloodstream and shut down all of her organs. They said she only had a count of two white blood cells left in her body and that they had never seen anything like that before. I miss her so much, after she died what small family I had left stopped calling me, my house was sold, I've had to move 8 times in the last year, close friends I had who I always thought would be there stopped talkng to me. I really cant put it all in words what I've been through the past year. I miss my mom so much, I thought things were hard before she passed. I just dont know what to do anymore. I dont feel like life will ever get any better. If there is a god why would he let such bad things happen to good people. I dont believe everything happens for a reason and if it does what would be a good enough reason for my mom to go through all of that pain and die?

 
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Old 11-06-2009, 04:18 AM   #2
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bluegrass1965 HB User
Re: I feel so alone!

{{{{{{{}}}}}}},

I am so sorry about the loss of your sweet mom. I have also suffered from depression for most of my adult life, as has my sister. Needless to say my father's death has us both working 24/7 not to slide into complete despair. I am on medication but often feel like it is totally ineffective.

The loss of your mom would have been hard enough without all the other major changes like the house sale, moving and relationships altered. That's a lot for anyone, even without the depression. If you did not seek out some form of grief counseling at the time your mother died (and even if you did, really), that might be an option to explore. Some weeks it is the only part of my existence where I feel sane.

Anyway, you definitely are not alone....some of us have different circumstances of loss, but the crushing weight of grief seems to be a universal thing for those of us who really loved someone, then lost them.

I hope that you are having an okay day.

 
Old 11-09-2009, 01:43 AM   #3
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coolwind HB User
Re: I feel so alone!

I can so understand how you feel b/c I also lost my mom recently too…We were best friends and she lived with my husband and me. She was diagnosed with cancer last year and it was staying under control and then one day in she had this weird rupture in her eye so we went to the doctor and he just said it was a that broken vessel and would clear up. We came home and had dinner, and then she started fighting with me and got extremely upset for no reason and started saying “her head hurt” so I called 911. Long story short 2-hours later she was gone. I also held her hand and watched her last breath and could not believe it. Even more difficult was that our last words were fighting and has been very difficult. The doctor said she had hemorrhaging in the brain and just feel her eye was a sign and they should have caught it.

My husband also has a terminal bone marrow cancer and getting to the really ruff stages now and cannot believe I going to lose him too and don't know how I will live through it, yet I have to be strong for him and keep us positive.

I lost my job, then my mom and scared it will be my husband too soon; I don't understand why we all have such difficult loses and times, but every day I can hear the news and see there is always someone worse off than us…I have to be thankful that I had my mom so close for all my life and my husband who loves me and good life together.

So hang in there and think what your mom would want for you and do something positive, and it will get better!!

Wish you the best and remember there is always a blessing in the bad too!

Last edited by coolwind; 11-09-2009 at 01:44 AM.

 
Old 11-09-2009, 10:00 AM   #4
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: kinston,NC usa
Posts: 327
thisworld HB User
Re: I feel so alone!

my heart goes out to both of you. yesterday was one year ago. i lost my husband of 40 years with lung cancer. he was my best friend, lover and great dad. we lost our only son through sucidide 10 years ago. and i made it through and i will make it through losing my hubby. his baby girl which was 27 was holding his hand and the other on is heart. a bittersweet story. the night before he pass he reach out to Wally our son . another bittersweet story. i prayed that would happena and when it did. it was very sad. but thats what keeps me going now. im not a very religious person but very spirtual person. and yes there is also someone out there worts off. but our time is just as bad. we lost our beautiful house of 30 years throught foreclosure and had to see alot of my antiques we collected together. once he got sick. no income. self-employes. he was a very succesful civil engineer. we had alot of savings. but had to live off. we where very best to had. now i keep telling myself dont think of what we had. be glad what iv got. my baby girl lives in New York. and she is having a tough time also . they where best friends. always tell her i know she loved her dad more and thats ok. and she laughs and says she loves but in a different way. hahah never seen a dad and daughter be so close. beautiful sight to watch them together. but no matter what thye are not coming back. and we have to live in the present and but the pass behind us. no dont mean we will forget our love ones. we will grieve forever. you love so deep we bind to hurt deep. take care a friend in North Carolina faye

 
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