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Old 11-23-2009, 09:13 PM   #1
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Jsosa HB User
I miss her so much.

I'm sure this comes up a lot. I just need to talk about it, even if it is in anonymous forum.

My mother died of cancer on August 4th. I loved her very much. I miss her even more. I think about her everyday. My wife and I are buying a house and all I can think of is that she'll never see it. I see movies coming out and wish I could take her to the theater, I couldn't even do that when she was close to the end.

More than anything else I just want to hug her and tell her that I love her. I keep having dreams that it was all a miss understanding and that she's still alive, I wake up a little bit sad. These dreams are starting to stop now.

I don't want to give off the impression that I just mope around depressed all the time. My life is still going on, just without her. Part of me feels that I abandoned her. I moved away 3 years ago, just a few months after that was when she was diagnosed. I know it's not my fault, but I will always wonder if she would have died if I didn't leave. I know it's just silly to think that, but I can't help feel that way.

I was reminded tonight of a movie that she took me to see when I was a small child. I will always have great memories of her throughout my whole life. That's all I have of her now, just the old memories. The knowledge that there won't be any new ones really hurt me.

I guess I just need a venue to release these feelings. There is never an appropriate way to bring these up in general conversation.

Thanks for listening

 
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Old 01-25-2010, 11:12 PM   #2
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sha2020 HB User
Re: I miss her so much.

Josoa - I know it's been awhile since you lost your mom, but I wanted to say that your moving away had nothing to do with her dying, but it is normal to feel some guilt. That will go away eventually. You sound like a good son & I'm glad you have good memories. Just remember that your mom would want you to be happy & not feeling guilty. So honor her memory & be a good husband and father - if you have children. Hope things are better for you.

 
Old 01-26-2010, 08:30 AM   #3
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grandma2o2girls HB User
Re: I miss her so much.

Hi, So sorry about your mom. It is very hard. My mom passed away in 2006 and I think I cried for 1 day and that is because I had a terrible childhood and I always blamed her for staying with my drunken father. So, I am so happy that you have wonderful memories to hold dear to your heart.
I know about the guilt you feel. The day after we moved away from my inlaws, my father in law passed away. My husband felt so guilty. Him and his dad were very close. But death is so unpredictable, no one is to blame. It just happens. I do know, cuz my husband passed away January 2009 and I am filled with "I should haves". But, there was nothing I could do.

Please keep those wonderful memories of your life with your mom close to your heart always.

God Bless
Darlene

 
Old 01-26-2010, 06:43 PM   #4
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Re: I miss her so much.

First, I want to say how sorry I am for your loss. Losing your mom is tough and I think it is very normal to feel guilt. I lost my mom in 2003, my grandma in 2007. Both were devastating! It does get better...I still have dreams...have my moments of grief. I also have moments where I know mom is out of her pain--the poor woman was in constant pain for the last several years of her life.
Bless you and remember the wonderful times you had with her.

 
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