I miss her so much.
I'm sure this comes up a lot. I just need to talk about it, even if it is in anonymous forum.
My mother died of cancer on August 4th. I loved her very much. I miss her even more. I think about her everyday. My wife and I are buying a house and all I can think of is that she'll never see it. I see movies coming out and wish I could take her to the theater, I couldn't even do that when she was close to the end.
More than anything else I just want to hug her and tell her that I love her. I keep having dreams that it was all a miss understanding and that she's still alive, I wake up a little bit sad. These dreams are starting to stop now.
I don't want to give off the impression that I just mope around depressed all the time. My life is still going on, just without her. Part of me feels that I abandoned her. I moved away 3 years ago, just a few months after that was when she was diagnosed. I know it's not my fault, but I will always wonder if she would have died if I didn't leave. I know it's just silly to think that, but I can't help feel that way.
I was reminded tonight of a movie that she took me to see when I was a small child. I will always have great memories of her throughout my whole life. That's all I have of her now, just the old memories. The knowledge that there won't be any new ones really hurt me.
I guess I just need a venue to release these feelings. There is never an appropriate way to bring these up in general conversation.
Thanks for listening