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Old 12-10-2009, 06:24 AM   #1
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its been 4 years and this seems to be the hardest one?

Well, its been 4 years since my Mikey decided to accept the invitation of the heavenly angels. I have no idea why mentally this year seems to be the hardest.

My kids don't feel like cleaning up the house saying they're too busy (and they are with working and finishing up their college lives). I have no energy and really don't even care if X-mas decorations go up or not. I refuse to clean up the house just to mess it up with all the crap from the attic for 4 weeks worth of viewing

Mikey was Mr. Christmas -- this was his favorite holiday. I am giving family money this year (nominal amts, a lot lower than in previous years) because I don't know if I'll still be employed next year and my money isn't plentiful. Life insurance practically all gone now for all tense and purposes.

Before anyone says "you are depressed" the answer is, I recognize that. But the depression doesn't interfer with my functioning. i've been to a wonderful grief group shortly after Mikey died and I also had private 1 on 1 grief counseling. I still get up and go to to work each and every day. I still am dating a very sweet, wonderful guy, and extremely happy that my son is due to graduate with his full degree and my daughter will be getting her Associates -- both in the Education fields. Their accomplishments are entirely on their own accord. With Mikey's passing 7 weeks before my daughter graduated high school, their college was entirely paid for -- in full -- through their own hard work and perserverance. No student loans, no massive debt. Hard work yes, sense of accomplishment -- not that they feel it right now but I know in the future they will.

So why is year 4 so different? Why is it apparently feeling worse than year 1 Will year 5, be worse or better?

I guess I don't really want an answer to this observation. I'm just venting but its funny. My husband was very, very sick. My prayers bounce between wanting him to be okay and happy to praying that God end his suffering and make him happy in heaven.

Each breath I ever took was taken in the world of 'what can I do to make him happy today, to make his day better, to show him that I love him, love our lives, loved our family and friends". I do this everyday with my kids "what can I do to ease their burden, today -- right now" and I go through my day thinking "what can I do to help (boyfriend) and his life. Making it better, more mentally healthy and happy, so he'll know that I love him and I care deeply for him as well. He lost his wife in 2001 and so he was in a better mental place than I was when we met.

So dear friends -- Year 4? Why the difference? Stress of employment iffy, Stress of kids coming to a close on their education? Stress of life?

Did anyone else go through this?

 
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Old 12-10-2009, 06:44 AM   #2
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Re: its been 4 years and this seems to be the hardest one?

I haven't gone thru it and I'm sorry you're feeling down, but I noticed something that stood out and maybe this is why you're missing him more now. Both your kids are graduating, one from HS and one from college. It's like a milestone, and now the time seems like a lot because when he passed your daughter was graduating high school and now she's graduating college, and it may seems kinda like "the end of an era" (so to speak)
I'm sorry again.

 
Old 12-10-2009, 10:19 AM   #3
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Re: its been 4 years and this seems to be the hardest one?

Thanks Rose I'm glad you wrote.

I'm sitting here crying which is good that it comes out and then I can move on to another thing or another topic. I think you're right. I think the depression is triggered by my kids graduating school and the fact that it emphasizes:

1) that he's not here to see their accomplishment and take pride in it.

and

2) it exasperates the fact that its been 4 dang, long, years and my life hasn't always changed for the better.

Oh yes, I'm seeing someone -- whoopy doo. But I just realized today that while I love him, and I do, dearly. I'm not in-love with him. I think that we're just two widows, both afraid of going through life alone, and nothing else seems to be promising out there. We met on a dating site, live 15 minutes from each other and see each other almost every night. When we don't, its usually me hiding behind some reasonable excuse.

I feel better when I'm with my BF. I'm not 'using' him, because I truly love him enjoy him and his company but he said we have a future and then I know that future isn't for about another 4 years while his son finishes up his last year of college next year and then gets himself settled into some sort of life.

My BF said, oh, we'll have our lives together, its just that I need to wait. He doesn't want to upset his son unnecessarily and would rather wait until he's on his own and settled. I guess in the back of my mind, I'm worried that he may have it too good at home and won't want to go out on his own and get settled since his father does everything for him.

I like his son, I think he's a terrific young adult like mine are but he's been an only child his whole life and he doesn't seem to want to 'share' his family with my kids.

Oh well, I guess Rosequartz, you are right. The trigger to all this is that my kids finished school and it brought the fact that its been 4 years and not too much has changed in my life, with the exception that I'm missing my Mikey more because I want MY OLD LIFE BACK!!!!

Thanks again

CaringSister54 (aka Diane)

Last edited by caringsister54; 12-10-2009 at 10:20 AM.

 
Old 12-10-2009, 12:37 PM   #4
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Re: its been 4 years and this seems to be the hardest one?

well think positive....at least you like his son, you say he's a terrific young man. He's college educated. Why do you think it will be 4 years before he's out of the nest? He may want to get an apartment with a friend or by himself. Does his education qualify him for a good job, and are jobs available in his field? I mean like is he a computer guy or a philosophy major....LOL
At least he's not a bum.....he may surprise you and be out on his own sooner than you think! If you live so close and spend so much time together now, what do you mean by you have to "wait" to start your lives together? do you mean moving in together, getting married? I'm not sure what you're waiting for because it seems you have it good with him now......
you say you love him but you're not in-love with him....could that be because you're comparing him to Mikey who he could never live up to his memories? could it be because you feel guilty about being "in-love", like you feel you're dishonoring Mikey? I think Mikey would have wanted you to be happy and to love again and be loved again. I also think although he wasn't there in a physical form, he see's his kids accomplishments and he feels pride too.
maybe you're downplaying your feelings toward your new guy out of guilt. You sound like you think you're settling for each other, but how could that be if you enjoy each others company? You may care for him and love him more than you want to admit....could that be?
It's OK.....Mikey would want you to be happy

Last edited by rosequartz; 12-10-2009 at 12:38 PM.

 
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