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Old 03-23-2010, 07:31 PM   #1
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Is my grief too deep?

In November 2009 my grandmother was diagnosed with lung cancer and was said to have an expectancy of 6 months to 1 year, as a nursing student I know that this truly depends on the person and the cancer. I was fortunate enough to go back home with my husband for the holidays but unfortunate that the day I was going to visit my grandmother we had a huge snow/ice storm. I called her that night asking if she still wanted me to come see her, she told me not to risk my own life. As we were finishing our call I was already crying and telling her I loved her very much, we had made plans to see each other this spring.

Sadly this was the last time I was going to talk to her. She passed away on January 11th. Once I heard of her death I felt like my whole body went numb. I had the opportunity to see her, and didn't take it. I promised her I would call and I didn't. Living out of state makes it hard to visit her, but I have not spent time with her in years. It is now almost 3 months later and I cry every night for her, I want to hug her, hold her, tell her that I love her and most of all that I'm sorry I didn't keep my promise. My grandmother meant the world to me, at a young age my mother abandoned me and my grandmother became a mother figure to me. I hate myself for letting her go like that, and most of all I hate I had the chance and didn't take it.

Beyond the guilt, anger, and sadness I am truly happy that she is no longer hurting and that she went in peace, in her own home, in her favorite chair after being visited by her lost loved ones and expressing that there were angels all around her.

Now, I'm concerned for my own health. My grief has been causing problems with my marriage, school, work, and my everyday life. I cry with the first thought of her, a picture, her belongings that i have. I feel like there is no way to pull out of this, and I don't want to destroy the good things I have going on in my life. Is it possible that my grief has put me in a state of depression? I'm 26 years old and feel like I have lost everything. My family has dealt with this better than me, why is it so hard for me to let go knowing she is ok and move on? what can I do?

 
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Old 03-24-2010, 10:09 PM   #2
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Re: Is my grief too deep?

Lucy, I am so sorry for the loss of your grandmother. I lost my husband to lung cancer 5 yrs ago this March 26th. He too, had been given 6 months to live, but passed in 8 weeks. I found the grief support groups that Hospice sponsers, saved my sanity. There, you will find others that are also experiencing deep grief and will know how you are feeling. You will also be able to express your feelings, which is an important part of going through grief. Also, know that your Grandmother knows that you love her and doesn't want you to feel badly about not being able to see her. The fact that she saw lost loved ones and angels, shows that she is now with them and at peace. Please contact a support group, it will help you very much.

 
Old 03-31-2010, 08:26 AM   #3
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Re: Is my grief too deep?

Lucy, everyone grieves different. I lost both of my parents within 5 weeks of each other 2 years ago. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't miss them and think of them.

You need to talk to a counselor or a grief coach. You need someone who can help you through this. And yes, you can be depressed because of this. The thing is you are feeling guilty for not being with your grandmother before she died. You need to learn to let go of that guilt. She told you not to come. She didn't tell you to burden yourself with guilt for the rest of your life. Accept that your grandmother was at peace with her message to you-and let go of the guilt.

Please get some help dear, before it ruins your marriage and your life.

 
Old 04-05-2010, 06:38 PM   #4
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Re: Is my grief too deep?

Thank you for the advice, I have never been through anything like this and was feeling a little embarrassed when thinking i needed to get some help. I now understand that its supposed to be hard and I do need to talk to someone to cope with this loss. Thank you both very much for you advice and your very kind words, you both have made me take this very hard step to seek help with a smile on my face. Thank you.

 
Old 04-10-2010, 08:11 AM   #5
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Re: Is my grief too deep?

dear one,,
having lost the two sons who loved me in word and deed....i'd say you are responding perfectly normal for a life altering loss.....
the only way to progress in your loss is to work thru it...and it takes longer than you or anyone wants it to or thinks it should..
to me it's obvious your dear grandmother was a key person in you life..
if ever you need to bounce greif issues off of someone who knows ..... please know i'm available...
even tho our loss and cir to our losses are different greif has a lota simularities....
i really care ..
and believe me ....how i've survived only god knows...and the love of my dear husband...
i feel you are in what i've identifyed from my expereince....the "outa your mind with greif stage"
maybe you could get some meds from your dr to help you when you need it..
again ,,,you are perfectly normal........what's wrong with you no one can fix as you've lost a dear loved on....
anyway...before i get to rambling.......i'll close..
you are not alone either dear one..
some just have a better time of no letting show what's going on in their hearts and souls..
and did you say you were a nurse or in the careing profession??
no wonder youre hurting...you care deeply and you feel deeply and youb give deeply..
how are you surviving today??>
rainie

 
Old 04-12-2010, 04:09 PM   #6
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Re: Is my grief too deep?

Rainie,
I am so sorry for your loss as well. I can't even begin to imagine what you have been going through. You must be going through a very difficult time in your life right now, and here you are helping me, which I am grateful for. I actually feel like you understand what I'm going through, unlike some of my family. It's been 3 months since she passed and I feel like I did the day I heard the news. It has been easier for me during the day when I'm around other people, its when I'm alone or at night that find myself thinking about her. Especially now that the weather is warming up. Spring was her favorite season, and they recently buried her and I wasn't able to be there. Last week was pretty tough for me, as I had made plans to visit her on my spring break and go out to eat and enjoy her favorite season with her. Not being able to see her, I canceled my plans to go home which in turn upset the rest of my family. I couldn't bring myself to go back knowing she wasn't going to be there.

I am a nursing student finishing up my LPN year and I care deeply about all the patients I come in contact with, it has always been my nature and that is why I chose nursing. It is hard though, I walk around and see various cancer patients or people who resemble I grandma and sometimes have to fight back the tears. I don't think my husband or the other side of my family really know how I feel because this is not a direct loss for them.

My grandmother meant the world to me and I regret not going to see her as often as I should, or even calling. I guess that is just something that I have to find a way to get past.

I do have one question for you, I have a picture of her along with her watch, some of her clothes in a bag, and one of her living room lamps all on a table in my dining room. This has been the place I have gone when I felt like I had to talk to her or even smell her clothes for comfort. Is this something that I should remove? My husband calls it my little memorial and said I won't get over it if I keep it because it reminds me of her, but I cannot find it in me to move any of her stuff.

Thank you again for all your help, even when dealing with a huge loss yourself, and I would like to keep in touch with you for those moments of "what do i do know" if that's ok with you?

 
Old 04-13-2010, 12:06 PM   #7
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rainie63 HB User
Re: Is my grief too deep?

dear dear lucy,,,
i tryed to send you a private message but they have "turned off" the private message deal...at least that's what it said,,
wish i knew your e address so i could directly contact you...
anyway....
please know YOU ARE PERFECTLY NORMAL in all you told me and are doing and thinking...
and the littel memorial....DON'T LET ANYONE TELL YOU what you should do that helps you survive your great loss...
and ONLY one who have no personal experience .....with a life altering loss know what they are talking about whe they say all all the things they said and EVEN tell the beareaved what and how they should act or do...
you go at your pase..
and being a caring person .....as you are makes your loss even deeper i feel....
i have no one that has helped me or even affirmed the greatness of my losses past the funeral.....
even now...
and i wish to god i knew what i've learned now about greif/bereavement...for i'da not do or done some of the things i NOW have the strengh to do in regards to MYself care...
i am now into the fifth yr since i lost my second son ....
you do whatever you need to do for however long,,,,,even if it's forever to work thru your greif...
even my wonderful dear husband has no clue altho i think he's been more supportive that i still greive and hurt ect....
just yesterday i said to him...i wonder how you'd be or do this or that if your two sons were dead??
anyway..
please please know i care and you can talk to me about anything..
and if your family can't understand why you had to stay home ..that is just a clue they have no clue the depth of your feelings for the loss of your dear grandma....
and dear lucy,,,i understand "regets" i suspect your grandmother would forgive you all and would not want you to worry .... i also suspect she knew the depth of your love...
anyway....
how is this week going ??
i also have a spot in my house where i have some rememberances,,,pics ect of my two sons and i will never remove them..
also....i know your husband means welll......he wants you to be okay and when men can't fix something they dont' know what to do...
anyway.....
take care of yourself for i know you'll take care of everyone else....except now....you have had a total shock to your world...
rainie

 
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