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Old 04-21-2010, 07:10 PM   #16
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closs86 HB User
Re: lost my whole life

Quote:
Originally Posted by jfrthng View Post
Im thinking I need to find a local support group. The days and nights are long and never ending misery. Have you found a way to sleep?
Janet
well I went to the doctor today and he seen that i haven't been sleeping, pretty obvious, my cousin gave me an ambien while i was in Maryland and it really worked, so he gave me ambien, I have to sleep or I won't be able to go through this. Sleep is an escape from the pain. I am not big on pill taking, but right now whatever helps. The nights are too long. I am going to call some support groups around my area tomorrow and see which is closest, My doctor said that I really should seek them out, it would be good. You should find one, just try it, as we know sharing our pain seems to help us cope.
god bless
karen

Last edited by closs86; 04-21-2010 at 07:18 PM.

 
Old 04-21-2010, 07:18 PM   #17
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Re: lost my whole life

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Originally Posted by Ivorygirl View Post
Hi, Karen (we so happen to share the same name) ~ I am sorry that your homecoming is so painful. I found that to be the most difficult time as well.....well 2nd to walking into Mom and Dad's place after leaving the Hospice Center and her not being there.

Then after the service and going back to the hotel room trying to be strong for my dad and letting it all out wondering how I am going to go on without a mom in my life.

And then coming home to the quiet and the reality. Eventually you will sleep but it is good that you are going to the doctor.

It's going to be difficult, the usual patterns of your life and the quietness will echo the reality of Johnny not being there.

I would imagine that for you it is much more difficult in that sense because I still have my hubby here with me, for me it is not being able to pick up the phone and talk to my mom which we did almost everyday, sometimes a few times depending on what was happening. Now I find myself talking to my aunt (mom's only sister) or my dad or my other brother who are feeling the same void in their lives.

It's going to take time, Karen, and nobody can say how long.

Somebody told me that the rule of thumb for any major change in one's life is a good year, I don't know because we haven't even reached the year mark for my brother and I still ache inside from that loss.

So I am giving myself "permission" to grieve as long as I need to and encourage you to do the same.

It is easier letting it out with others who are experiencing the same.

Yes, for me I feel as if I suddenly lost half my family. I still have dad and my other brother but it feels off balance without my mom and my youngest brother.

I found that making a garden for mom helps....I then have a place to sit and be with her and talk. Perhaps in time planting a tree in honor of Johnny will help, something that you can watch grow over the years.

But for now be gentle to yourself.....nourish yourself and try to rest.

I find myself sleeping more than I should and am probably a little depressed. That is, from what I have read, a normal stage in the grieving process so I am not too worried.

I am glad that you are going to your doctor today.....he will help you through so that you can get through the difficult days/months ahead.

Allow your son/family to reach out to you and help you if need be....they need to cling to their dad's/Johnny's memory by being near the closest part of him, YOU.

I talk to my dad now almost everyday by phone.....we never did so but I KNOW how difficult it must be for him to come home to the quietness. Thank God he is in an independent living facility with lots of things to do. My brother and I often refer to it as "a cruise ship on land" because all he has to do is walk out his door and there is tons to do. And thankfully he is doing that which comforts me.

I encourage you to do the same....as much as you would like to just stay behind the confines of your home, make it a point to at least go for a walk daily. I walk my dog and that helps me quite a bit. As far as other things, it takes alot of motivation to do them but I do get out to the store and just started seeing friends again this past weekend.

Well, I didn't mean to ramble on, just wanted to extend a hand your way and let you know that we are walking right by your side.

It's a difficult journey but it sure becomes easier when traveling with others who understand the loss and the pain.

Love and ((((HUGS)))) ~ Ivory aka Karen#2
You are so right, I would just like to stay home and curl up in a ball, but I am fighting not to do that, I know that will just get me into a deep depression, I visited with my doctor today, who explained to me that as terrible as it seems, a lot of people with that disease suffer for many months, I couldn't even imagine him suffering any longer it would of killed me for sure. He gave me some medication to help me sleep and deal with the anxiety, and also suggested that I return to work, which I really can't imagine doing yet, and he also suggested that i get some grief counseling, which I will look into tomorrow, I know I need that. Thank goodness for the med to sleep at least I find a little peace when i sleep.
It is so true, it is good to have some friends that know what you are feeling,it is hard to understand unless you have been through this.
God Bless
karen

 
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Old 04-22-2010, 04:29 PM   #18
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Re: lost my whole life

I am so sorry for your loss, I feel your pain. Two months ago my husband of 20 years was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, it is stage 4. Doctors advised against treatment he is too weak and pancreatic cancer doesn't respond well. He is 42 years old and before feb. 17, he was a seemingly healthy man with unexplained stomach ache. Now in two short months our life went upside down. We or I decided to do home hospice because he no longer can make any decisions. He is in pain almost all the time, so he is taking some strong medication. He barely says more than one word at a time. He is nothing but skin and bones with a huge swollen belly that he can barely hold up. My best friend the love of my life he is still alive but he is already gone, I don't know how much longer I can see him suffer...it's killing me. And I am so worried about our children how are they really dealing. They are so strong on the outside we have two men 16, and 18 . So I have been thinking if his suffering would be over then maybe we could begin grieving it might be better.

 
Old 04-22-2010, 04:40 PM   #19
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Re: lost my whole life

So how did it go today, Karen?? Did you get some sleep???

They say that if you just make a goal of one thing to do that will allow you to step out of that comfort zone that it will keep you grounded.

I did that yesterday.....I went out to get my eyebrows waxed and to get a few cards for birthdays coming up.

I also picked up a windchime for mom's garden and a few other things.

When I got home I felt exhausted, out of breath and as if I could crawl right back into bed.

I got the mail and in it was a note from my dad with a picture of the box that holds mom's remains that a friend of theirs made out of wood. He had asked my mom if he could do that for her, he is quite talented and she told him that she would be honored.

Well it's beautiful....it has a beautiful angel carved into it, that gracefully is bending with it's caring, gentle hands extended outward ready to assist anyone in need. It so perfectly captures my mom and sitting next to the box is a picture of my mom on her wedding day holding her bouquet and so happy.

I cried most of the day after that, dad's note said how he has it placed on the coffee table where he sits each morning, says a prayer and talks to her about all the wonderful things she did and memories they made together.

Tomorrow marks the one month anniversary of her death.....the other day marked the 10 month anniversary of my brother's death.

Not even a year and two wonderful people no longer here with me....it aches so much and I wonder if that ache will ever go away.

Today I took a shower, I felt weak and as if I were going to faint. I didn't have much energy but I took a ride to the local drug store to exchange an item....just to get out for a bit. And I got myself my favorite slice of pizza to bring home.

I am trying to take care of myself.....for my mom and brother because I promised them that I would. I don't want my dad or other brother to worry about me and we are trying to be strong for one another.

I guess that is all we can do until we can breathe again.

Sending some extra (((HUGS)))) your way ~ Ivory (Karen#2)

 
Old 04-22-2010, 04:54 PM   #20
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Re: lost my whole life

Hi Gracie....I must have been posting the same time as you were.

Sending some (((HUGS))) your way.

Yes, I know the pain, mom wanted to stay home in Hospice Care too and she started getting confused as well and had the pain. It was so sad to see her deteriorate so quickly.....she enjoyed her meals and then couldn't even eat much without it all coming back up. When she was diagnosed it was pancreatic/bile duct cancer and they said that she would only have months. They were right.....she went so fast and it was unbelievable to see the woman who walked 2-3 miles/day succumb to this.

And the abdominal distention was bad too with some swelling to her legs. She couldn't even walk after a few months.....her losing her independence was so difficult for her. She would only allow the Hospice people to come in once a week, she wanted to do most of it on her own. And she did with my coming in at intervals of time from out of state.

They arranged for her to be transferred to a Hospice Center when dad couldn't manage her at home.....we thought it was just to get her hydrated until they could get her a bed in the nursing home area of her independent living facility where she would have around the clock care.

However, she didn't even last the night....she KNEW that she was somewhere where Dad and our family would have support when she went.....she waited until I arrived from FL....I walked in the room and hugged her and she took her last breath. She had all of us there with her just the way she wanted it to be.

I hope that your husband's suffering ends soon and that he can finally be at peace. We feel guilty wishing for that but it is what we do for those we love.

That is what is comforting to me, that Mom is no longer suffering but still, I wish she were here whole again.

Hug your boys and let them know that they are loved so very much by both you and their dad. Cling to one another and you will find strength in getting through the days ahead.

I wish I could do more....all I can do is share in your pain and let you know that you are not alone.

Love ~ Ivory

 
Old 04-23-2010, 01:05 AM   #21
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Re: lost my whole life

Its horrible pain during and unbearable pain after. Its been 23 days and my 17yr old daughter crys herself to sleep, my 4yr old son looks for dad several times a day and I just TRY to be there for them. Im so sorry for what your going through. I never knew a thing about pancreatic cancer until 2 months ago. I hate the disease. The drugs it takes to ease the pain robs you of what little time you have left. Take care
Janet

 
Old 04-23-2010, 07:19 AM   #22
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Re: lost my whole life

Thank you for the reply and hugs. For some reason kindness of strangers helps alot. Hearing others that went through something like this say they wished it was over too makes me feel better. Everyday I think I can't do this, but I don't have a choice. He keeps repeating over and over help me. It breaks my heart- I miss him, the man he was so much. His father and sisters don't seem to understand, they want to keep him alive they don't realize he is no longer living. He hasn't eaten anything for 2 months, (he has a feeding tube). He doesn't talk, watch tv or even care about much of anything. He can walk a few feet to the bathroom and thats about it. He spends hours in the bathroom because he thinks he is constipated, even after a bowel movement. Well I am rambling on and on Thanks for listening. Gracie

 
Old 04-23-2010, 09:36 PM   #23
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closs86 HB User
Re: lost my whole life

Quote:
Originally Posted by Gracie0418 View Post
I am so sorry for your loss, I feel your pain. Two months ago my husband of 20 years was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, it is stage 4. Doctors advised against treatment he is too weak and pancreatic cancer doesn't respond well. He is 42 years old and before feb. 17, he was a seemingly healthy man with unexplained stomach ache. Now in two short months our life went upside down. We or I decided to do home hospice because he no longer can make any decisions. He is in pain almost all the time, so he is taking some strong medication. He barely says more than one word at a time. He is nothing but skin and bones with a huge swollen belly that he can barely hold up. My best friend the love of my life he is still alive but he is already gone, I don't know how much longer I can see him suffer...it's killing me. And I am so worried about our children how are they really dealing. They are so strong on the outside we have two men 16, and 18 . So I have been thinking if his suffering would be over then maybe we could begin grieving it might be better.
Oh my heart goes out to you, it is such a horrible terrible disease, I know what you mean, my husband turned into skin and bones in a matter of weeks, I know the pain that he was in, I feel so sorry for you and your family, I know how your heart hurts, mine is broken, and your husband is so young. I don't understand why these things happen?, I just don't get it
I will pray for you and your husband and family, I hope his suffering dosen't go on too long. It is a horrible way to have to remember him.
God Bless
Karen

 
Old 04-23-2010, 09:50 PM   #24
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closs86 HB User
Re: lost my whole life

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ivorygirl View Post
So how did it go today, Karen?? Did you get some sleep???

They say that if you just make a goal of one thing to do that will allow you to step out of that comfort zone that it will keep you grounded.

I did that yesterday.....I went out to get my eyebrows waxed and to get a few cards for birthdays coming up.

I also picked up a windchime for mom's garden and a few other things.

When I got home I felt exhausted, out of breath and as if I could crawl right back into bed.

I got the mail and in it was a note from my dad with a picture of the box that holds mom's remains that a friend of theirs made out of wood. He had asked my mom if he could do that for her, he is quite talented and she told him that she would be honored.

Well it's beautiful....it has a beautiful angel carved into it, that gracefully is bending with it's caring, gentle hands extended outward ready to assist anyone in need. It so perfectly captures my mom and sitting next to the box is a picture of my mom on her wedding day holding her bouquet and so happy.

I cried most of the day after that, dad's note said how he has it placed on the coffee table where he sits each morning, says a prayer and talks to her about all the wonderful things she did and memories they made together.

Tomorrow marks the one month anniversary of her death.....the other day marked the 10 month anniversary of my brother's death.

Not even a year and two wonderful people no longer here with me....it aches so much and I wonder if that ache will ever go away.

Today I took a shower, I felt weak and as if I were going to faint. I didn't have much energy but I took a ride to the local drug store to exchange an item....just to get out for a bit. And I got myself my favorite slice of pizza to bring home.

I am trying to take care of myself.....for my mom and brother because I promised them that I would. I don't want my dad or other brother to worry about me and we are trying to be strong for one another.

I guess that is all we can do until we can breathe again.

Sending some extra (((HUGS)))) your way ~ Ivory (Karen#2)
Hi Karen #2
I am trying so hard, Yesterday some friends of mine came to get me out of the house to go have a cup of coffee and talk awhile, it was good to get out, once I was out I went to the grocery and got some food, today another friend came by and we took a walk and had some lunch, hard for me I have to push the food down, I am not hungry at all but I know I have to eat, I lost so much weight since this all happened. Tonight my son came over with his family to put some lights around the house and we had some dinner, it was awful, felt so strange without him at the table. My stomach got so knotted up and I felt so depressed. I understand your feeling so weak, I do to, anything I do drains me, I also understand that you don't want to worry your father and brother but you need them, I know how sick you feel and I hope that someday we will feel a drop better, but I don't know how or if that will ever happen.
Bless you, take care, I am trying to also, all we can do is try, I hope we can do it.
Karen

 
Old 04-23-2010, 10:00 PM   #25
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Re: lost my whole life

Quote:
Originally Posted by Gracie0418 View Post
Thank you for the reply and hugs. For some reason kindness of strangers helps alot. Hearing others that went through something like this say they wished it was over too makes me feel better. Everyday I think I can't do this, but I don't have a choice. He keeps repeating over and over help me. It breaks my heart- I miss him, the man he was so much. His father and sisters don't seem to understand, they want to keep him alive they don't realize he is no longer living. He hasn't eaten anything for 2 months, (he has a feeding tube). He doesn't talk, watch tv or even care about much of anything. He can walk a few feet to the bathroom and thats about it. He spends hours in the bathroom because he thinks he is constipated, even after a bowel movement. Well I am rambling on and on Thanks for listening. Gracie
I know exactly what you are talking about, my husband couldn't eat either and also felt constipated, my husband was also a big strong man, when he was admitted into the hospital they drew 4 liters of fluid from his stomach, he was so sick and didn't know, I don't understand that, but maybe he was lucky, I don't know how anyone could suffer that much, I feel so bad for you and your family, my heart goes out to you, I am so sorry that you are in such pain, but I more than understand,
Bless you
Karen

 
Old 04-24-2010, 09:00 AM   #26
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Re: lost my whole life

Hi Karen #1, Gracie and Janet ~

I posted the following on another thread and thought I would do the same here. It was sent to me by one of my friends who sees me struggling through this difficult time. When I first read it I shoved it to the back of my mind but then realized that if I looked at things from my mom's perspective this is pretty much how she would feel. I have a feeling that if you really look at things from your husband's perspectives, they would pretty much feel the same way.

So I wanted to share it with you and hope it somehow makes today easier to get through.

I printed it out to have close by so that when those feelings that have me feeling numb and wanting to just crawl back into bed come over me, I can read it and somehow find the strength to get through another day. ~ Ivory


YOU CAN GO ON

You can shed tears that I am gone, or you can smile because I have lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that I will come back, or you can open your eyes and see all that I have left you.
Your heart can be empty because you cannot see me, or your heart can be full of the love that we have shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live for yesterday.
Or you can remember me and only that I am gone, or you can cherish my memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your eyes, be empty and turn back, or you can do what I would want...

SMILE. OPEN YOUR EYES, LOVE AND GO ON

 
Old 04-24-2010, 09:03 PM   #27
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Re: lost my whole life

That's beautiful Ivory. It took me 10 min to read it though. The crying never ends.

 
Old 04-24-2010, 10:24 PM   #28
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closs86 HB User
Re: lost my whole life

Dear Ivory
what a wonderful poem, it really made me think, and it was so meaningful, I will also make a copy of it, It was very hard to get through.
Hugs Karen
thanks

 
Old 04-24-2010, 10:33 PM   #29
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islandjohnny HB User
Re: lost my whole life

Bless you ladies and please know how much your husbands felt your love when they truly needed it. As horrible as the disease is, them knowing that they were so loved, gave them so much peace.

As I too have suffered a great loss, and I thank God for the time we had, and take comfort that she is not suffering anymore.

Carry their memories with you as we all walk together knowing our lives were richer having been truly loved.

 
Old 04-25-2010, 06:09 AM   #30
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Re: lost my whole life

hi there life is harder than i can take anymore i am at the point of no return i have been suffering for three years from depression anxiety and sleeping disorder due to a number of horrendous tradgedies that have happened to me and i cannot get over then i am seeing psychologist but its not working and have been on three different types of strong medication from the doctor for two years which doesnt help at all i dont no wat to do anymore im 23 n have been told cannot have children the partner i was with at the time when i found out was a mess himself and we have only just broke up as he was no good for me so now i feel alone and helpless with no one to turn to i have my mum my daughter and other family members around none of my so called friends as i kepted away for so long they dont bother with me anymore i have been taking druggs that much to get a high i am nearly annorexic get poorly all the time and dont care most days dont want to be hear anymore must say something when i am telling a complete stranger all my problems but wat the hell not like u no who i am so it doesnt matter i want to be able to change the way i think about life but as i feel lonely that is not going to happen any time soon seen as though u have had the same feelings wat would u suggest im at the end of my teather now

 
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