Its horrible pain during and unbearable pain after. Its been 23 days and my 17yr old daughter crys herself to sleep, my 4yr old son looks for dad several times a day and I just TRY to be there for them. Im so sorry for what your going through. I never knew a thing about pancreatic cancer until 2 months ago. I hate the disease. The drugs it takes to ease the pain robs you of what little time you have left. Take care
Janet
Thank you for the reply and hugs. For some reason kindness of strangers helps alot. Hearing others that went through something like this say they wished it was over too makes me feel better. Everyday I think I can't do this, but I don't have a choice. He keeps repeating over and over help me. It breaks my heart- I miss him, the man he was so much. His father and sisters don't seem to understand, they want to keep him alive they don't realize he is no longer living. He hasn't eaten anything for 2 months, (he has a feeding tube). He doesn't talk, watch tv or even care about much of anything. He can walk a few feet to the bathroom and thats about it. He spends hours in the bathroom because he thinks he is constipated, even after a bowel movement. Well I am rambling on and on Thanks for listening. Gracie
I am so sorry for your loss, I feel your pain. Two months ago my husband of 20 years was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer, it is stage 4. Doctors advised against treatment he is too weak and pancreatic cancer doesn't respond well. He is 42 years old and before feb. 17, he was a seemingly healthy man with unexplained stomach ache. Now in two short months our life went upside down. We or I decided to do home hospice because he no longer can make any decisions. He is in pain almost all the time, so he is taking some strong medication. He barely says more than one word at a time. He is nothing but skin and bones with a huge swollen belly that he can barely hold up. My best friend the love of my life he is still alive but he is already gone, I don't know how much longer I can see him suffer...it's killing me. And I am so worried about our children how are they really dealing. They are so strong on the outside we have two men 16, and 18 . So I have been thinking if his suffering would be over then maybe we could begin grieving it might be better.
Oh my heart goes out to you, it is such a horrible terrible disease, I know what you mean, my husband turned into skin and bones in a matter of weeks, I know the pain that he was in, I feel so sorry for you and your family, I know how your heart hurts, mine is broken, and your husband is so young. I don't understand why these things happen?, I just don't get it
I will pray for you and your husband and family, I hope his suffering dosen't go on too long. It is a horrible way to have to remember him.
God Bless
Karen
So how did it go today, Karen?? Did you get some sleep???
They say that if you just make a goal of one thing to do that will allow you to step out of that comfort zone that it will keep you grounded.
I did that yesterday.....I went out to get my eyebrows waxed and to get a few cards for birthdays coming up.
I also picked up a windchime for mom's garden and a few other things.
When I got home I felt exhausted, out of breath and as if I could crawl right back into bed.
I got the mail and in it was a note from my dad with a picture of the box that holds mom's remains that a friend of theirs made out of wood. He had asked my mom if he could do that for her, he is quite talented and she told him that she would be honored.
Well it's beautiful....it has a beautiful angel carved into it, that gracefully is bending with it's caring, gentle hands extended outward ready to assist anyone in need. It so perfectly captures my mom and sitting next to the box is a picture of my mom on her wedding day holding her bouquet and so happy.
I cried most of the day after that, dad's note said how he has it placed on the coffee table where he sits each morning, says a prayer and talks to her about all the wonderful things she did and memories they made together.
Tomorrow marks the one month anniversary of her death.....the other day marked the 10 month anniversary of my brother's death.
Not even a year and two wonderful people no longer here with me....it aches so much and I wonder if that ache will ever go away.
Today I took a shower, I felt weak and as if I were going to faint. I didn't have much energy but I took a ride to the local drug store to exchange an item....just to get out for a bit. And I got myself my favorite slice of pizza to bring home.
I am trying to take care of myself.....for my mom and brother because I promised them that I would. I don't want my dad or other brother to worry about me and we are trying to be strong for one another.
I guess that is all we can do until we can breathe again.
Sending some extra (((HUGS)))) your way ~ Ivory (Karen#2)
Hi Karen #2
I am trying so hard, Yesterday some friends of mine came to get me out of the house to go have a cup of coffee and talk awhile, it was good to get out, once I was out I went to the grocery and got some food, today another friend came by and we took a walk and had some lunch, hard for me I have to push the food down, I am not hungry at all but I know I have to eat, I lost so much weight since this all happened. Tonight my son came over with his family to put some lights around the house and we had some dinner, it was awful, felt so strange without him at the table. My stomach got so knotted up and I felt so depressed. I understand your feeling so weak, I do to, anything I do drains me, I also understand that you don't want to worry your father and brother but you need them, I know how sick you feel and I hope that someday we will feel a drop better, but I don't know how or if that will ever happen.
Bless you, take care, I am trying to also, all we can do is try, I hope we can do it.
Karen
Thank you for the reply and hugs. For some reason kindness of strangers helps alot. Hearing others that went through something like this say they wished it was over too makes me feel better. Everyday I think I can't do this, but I don't have a choice. He keeps repeating over and over help me. It breaks my heart- I miss him, the man he was so much. His father and sisters don't seem to understand, they want to keep him alive they don't realize he is no longer living. He hasn't eaten anything for 2 months, (he has a feeding tube). He doesn't talk, watch tv or even care about much of anything. He can walk a few feet to the bathroom and thats about it. He spends hours in the bathroom because he thinks he is constipated, even after a bowel movement. Well I am rambling on and on Thanks for listening. Gracie
I know exactly what you are talking about, my husband couldn't eat either and also felt constipated, my husband was also a big strong man, when he was admitted into the hospital they drew 4 liters of fluid from his stomach, he was so sick and didn't know, I don't understand that, but maybe he was lucky, I don't know how anyone could suffer that much, I feel so bad for you and your family, my heart goes out to you, I am so sorry that you are in such pain, but I more than understand,
Bless you
Karen
I posted the following on another thread and thought I would do the same here. It was sent to me by one of my friends who sees me struggling through this difficult time. When I first read it I shoved it to the back of my mind but then realized that if I looked at things from my mom's perspective this is pretty much how she would feel. I have a feeling that if you really look at things from your husband's perspectives, they would pretty much feel the same way.
So I wanted to share it with you and hope it somehow makes today easier to get through.
I printed it out to have close by so that when those feelings that have me feeling numb and wanting to just crawl back into bed come over me, I can read it and somehow find the strength to get through another day. ~ Ivory
YOU CAN GO ON
You can shed tears that I am gone, or you can smile because I have lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that I will come back, or you can open your eyes and see all that I have left you.
Your heart can be empty because you cannot see me, or your heart can be full of the love that we have shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live for yesterday.
Or you can remember me and only that I am gone, or you can cherish my memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your eyes, be empty and turn back, or you can do what I would want...
Dear Ivory
what a wonderful poem, it really made me think, and it was so meaningful, I will also make a copy of it, It was very hard to get through.
Hugs Karen
thanks
Bless you ladies and please know how much your husbands felt your love when they truly needed it. As horrible as the disease is, them knowing that they were so loved, gave them so much peace.
As I too have suffered a great loss, and I thank God for the time we had, and take comfort that she is not suffering anymore.
Carry their memories with you as we all walk together knowing our lives were richer having been truly loved.
hi there life is harder than i can take anymore i am at the point of no return i have been suffering for three years from depression anxiety and sleeping disorder due to a number of horrendous tradgedies that have happened to me and i cannot get over then i am seeing psychologist but its not working and have been on three different types of strong medication from the doctor for two years which doesnt help at all i dont no wat to do anymore im 23 n have been told cannot have children the partner i was with at the time when i found out was a mess himself and we have only just broke up as he was no good for me so now i feel alone and helpless with no one to turn to i have my mum my daughter and other family members around none of my so called friends as i kepted away for so long they dont bother with me anymore i have been taking druggs that much to get a high i am nearly annorexic get poorly all the time and dont care most days dont want to be hear anymore must say something when i am telling a complete stranger all my problems but wat the hell not like u no who i am so it doesnt matter i want to be able to change the way i think about life but as i feel lonely that is not going to happen any time soon seen as though u have had the same feelings wat would u suggest im at the end of my teather now
Hi Carlyjo ~ I didn't want to not acknowledge you here, you sound as if you really could use a (((HUG))) and I am sending one your way.
If this has been going on for 3 years that you are feeling this way I would really encourage you to seek out more professional help. When somebody experiences tragedies as you have followed by extreme debilitating symptoms as you describe you may have to be treated with intense therapy and perhaps with a psychiatrist's help.
Sounds to me like you may be experiencing PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder) and a good therapist and psychiatrist can help you emerge from that.
If you are not doing better then perhaps you need to get a second opinion with a good psychologist who deals with PTSD and conditions like that.
I am sorry for your pain and really encourage you not to give up....drugs are not going to be the answer here as much as they may provide temporary relief.
I know you can overcome this, it won't happen overnight, but with the right professional you CAN get better.....you are so young and have your entire life ahead of you.
All you need is the courage and hope to get you started in finding the right help.
Ask your mum to help you research to find the right help....
I wish you a future filled with good health, peace and happiness. That will come after you find the right team to get you there.
I posted the following on another thread and thought I would do the same here. It was sent to me by one of my friends who sees me struggling through this difficult time. When I first read it I shoved it to the back of my mind but then realized that if I looked at things from my mom's perspective this is pretty much how she would feel. I have a feeling that if you really look at things from your husband's perspectives, they would pretty much feel the same way.
So I wanted to share it with you and hope it somehow makes today easier to get through.
I printed it out to have close by so that when those feelings that have me feeling numb and wanting to just crawl back into bed come over me, I can read it and somehow find the strength to get through another day. ~ Ivory
YOU CAN GO ON
You can shed tears that I am gone, or you can smile because I have lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that I will come back, or you can open your eyes and see all that I have left you.
Your heart can be empty because you cannot see me, or your heart can be full of the love that we have shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live for yesterday.
Or you can remember me and only that I am gone, or you can cherish my memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your eyes, be empty and turn back, or you can do what I would want...
I want to thank everyone for their hugs, kind words and prayers. My husband passed away yesterday just two months after being diagnosed. He was suffering so much I am glad that is over.He went in peace and with mmuch dignity.My sons and I will have to go on he would want us to .
Oh Gracie, I am so sorry about your loss as relieving as it may be. I know that we don't want our loved ones to suffer and to have them stay longer and do so is only self-serving.
I felt jipped when I got to my mom and entered the room only to be able to hug her and hear her last breath. I wanted to say so much more and have more time but after thinking about it, all that I needed to say had already been said, and to have had that time would have just been for me and not in her best interest.
So, I understand the relief and the peace that you feel and the deep love that goes into letting go.....it is the ultimate sacrifice and gift we have to give our loved ones to come to those terms.
Still, it isn't going to be easy, as much as you have prepared for this. You will be going through an array of emotions and that is okay. Let it be what it is and give yourself "permission" to go through whatever may come over the next few days, weeks, months and years.
Please come back here if you need to and let us help you through any bumps in the road.
And please know that our prayers and thoughts are with you and your family every step of the way.
Hi Gracie
I am so sorry for your loss, My heart goes out to you, I know how much it hurts, even though you didn't want him to suffer anymore, It is different now. I hope you and your sons find strength and, peace, I had a pretty tough day today, I am going to counseling on Wed,
Take care and God Bless
Karen
Hi
I feel so bad for you, you are so young and are in such inner pain. The drugs are not going to make the pain go away forever, you need to look for some help, if one therapist isn't helping you need to try someone else, don't give up, life is to precious. My heart is broken, so I understand the despair but I am going to a counselor on Wed, you have to reach out.
I wish you the best, and please don't give up, ask your mum to help you
Karen
I also thank god for the time we had together, but it ended to abruptly, and horribly I just can't accept it, I feel like he is going to come home any minute, it is horrible. I hope I can make this adjustment without losing my mind .
God Bless
Karen
Hi Ivorygirl Karen #2
I had a pretty bad day today, My son was over and we have to get my husbands fish tanks taken care of, he had at least 5 huge tanks it was his hobby, but none of us know anything about it so we don't want the fish to die, he really loved them, it was very hard going through all his stuff and putting it up for sale, it really got to me, then we had to choose an urn for his remains, which was very stressful for me. I am so tired but can't sleep yet, I hope tomorrow will be a little easier. I am also going to a counselor on Wed, I hope they can help me, I don't know how but I hope they can. Well I better try to sleep before the ambien wears off
Hugs Karen
Hi Karen #1 ~ Just wanted to do a check in with you to see how things are going.
I am sorry to hear that you had a hard time with the fish tanks and getting things together to sell.
I, too, had a difficult time when my dad wanted us to go through mom's things even before the funeral.....he has his own health problems and I did so, as difficult as it was, knowing that he would have a difficult time doing it himself and would attempt it after we left on his own.
Have you met with a counselor and did it help??
Please be gentle with yourself and try to take good care of yourself.....allow yourself to grieve but also make sure you get the rest you need so that you come out of this taking care of you own mental and physical well being while you do so.
I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers hoping that the difficult days become easier.
Hi Karen #1 ~ Just wanted to do a check in with you to see how things are going.
I am sorry to hear that you had a hard time with the fish tanks and getting things together to sell.
I, too, had a difficult time when my dad wanted us to go through mom's things even before the funeral.....he has his own health problems and I did so, as difficult as it was, knowing that he would have a difficult time doing it himself and would attempt it after we left on his own.
Have you met with a counselor and did it help??
Please be gentle with yourself and try to take good care of yourself.....allow yourself to grieve but also make sure you get the rest you need so that you come out of this taking care of you own mental and physical well being while you do so.
I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers hoping that the difficult days become easier.
Love and (((HUGS))) ~ Ivory/Karen#2
Hi Ivory/Karen#2
Thanks for thinking of me, I haven't seen the counselor yet, tomorrow, I am looking forward to it, hoping it will help, it is very hard when you have to touch things your husband loved and find homes for the fish, I feel like I am getting rid of things he loved. I am trying to rest, but I have a lot of nervous energy, trying to hard to keep busy, today I cleaned and trimmed the whole back yard, I got so overheated, but didn't even stop just kept going. Thanks for your prayers, I need them
Hugs Karen #1
