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Old 04-14-2010, 07:59 PM   #1
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lost my whole life

Hi
Last Tuesday April 6, my whole life changed, my husband of 43 years, passed away from pancreatic cancer, in 7 weeks he went from a healthy man eating good food, excersizing doing all the right things, supposidly, to having a stomach ache, winding up in the hospital Sloane Kettering Cancer Hospital, after he was admitted he got blood clots that broke loose from his legs they say from the cancer, and his blood pressure plummetted and they couldn't get it back up, they tried everything. He never got a chance to fight the cancer, he suffered horribly the last few days of his life, I don't know how my sons and I will ever be able to live with the sight of his tormented face in our brains, although they gave him all the medication they possibly could it just wasen't enough. I don't think I can do this

 
Old 04-15-2010, 06:20 PM   #2
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Re: lost my whole life

I am so very sorry that you are going thru this too. I also lost my husband Jan. 09, and he was on life support but all his organs started failing. I had to tell them to take him off and be there while he passed away. He exhaled his last breath in my mouth. I will never ever forget that for as long as I live. He passed away due to cirrohosis of the liver. He was diagnosed in July of 08. I thought he would make it to getting a liver transplant but he went downhill fast and his body could not withstand all of what it was going thru. We were married for 39 years. He was the only man I have ever been with and I am having a very difficult time living my life alone without him.

If you feel like talking to someone, I check in here everyday 2 times a day.

Please take it easy and come here to vent and say how you feel. It will help you and you at the same time will be helping others, like me, to know we are not alone on this horrible journey.

God bless,
Darlene

 
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Old 04-16-2010, 12:20 PM   #3
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Re: lost my whole life

Hi
I know you understand what i am feeling, I feel like i can't breathe, my insides feel like there is an earthquake going on. I am at my cousins house now and haven't been home yet, going home on Tuesday, apprehensive about it. Johnny was my life, I also was with him as he drew his last breath, I just can't believe it, and don't know how I will go on without him, I don't know how to live without him, I don't know if I want to, I am still waiting for him to come through the door. My heart is broken, He suffered so much the last 3 days, it is so unfair, how do we do it? I just can't imagine living without him.

 
Old 04-18-2010, 11:17 AM   #4
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Re: lost my whole life

Hi closs, I was just checking in with you to see how you are doing? I hope you are taking it easy. I know this is so very hard and I am here if you need to talk.

Take care
Darlene

 
Old 04-18-2010, 10:03 PM   #5
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Re: lost my whole life

Thank you for checking in on me, I really don't know how I am, I just feel so numb, I am going home on Tuesday very nervous about it. Johnny was creamated and he is there waiting for me, I just want to be near him, He was my everything, and i depended on him, he was always there for me, I am scared.

 
Old 04-18-2010, 10:22 PM   #6
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Re: lost my whole life

I know exactly, I mean exactly how you feel. The fear is unbelievable. I was scared all the time, still am most of the time. You are feeling so totally alone even tho there are people around you, you feel you are alone in your world. You are still numb and in a fog and will be for some time. Everyone feels differently at different times but it was a good 8 months til I felt the fog had cleared. Then reality really sunk in.

Please write me after you get home if you feel up to it and let me know how you are doing. ok? Just take it 1 minute at a time because right now it is very hard to even think of taking 1 day at a time.

Take care and I will be thinking of you.

Darlene

 
Old 04-19-2010, 05:38 PM   #7
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Re: lost my whole life

Hi Closs and Darlene.....I just wanted to pop in and offer you (((HUGS)))

I am grieving too, I lost my little brother after a 3 year battle with Autonomic Failure. It was so difficult for our family to lose him at the age of 46. And when our family was just catching our breath, my perfectly healthy mom called on New Year's Eve to inform us that while they were checking her out for a broken rib after a fall they found her liver to be significantly enlarged and a MRI revealed Biliary Duct Cancer.

We thought it might be a blessing in disguise but discovered that it was the most aggressive form of liver cancer close to Pancreatic Cancer and that it was too progressed to do anything.

And then my perfectly healthy mom deteriorated before our eyes....in less than 3 months we lost her.

This all happened just about 3 weeks ago and losing my little brother was so terrible but the pain of losing my dear mom after she suffered through seeing her youngest child die has just been so unbearable for me and my family.

I am having such a hard time myself....I can't seem to get back into the swing of things.....I feel lost and miss her so very much. We spoke by phone everyday and I ache to be able to do that again.

She wasn't just my mom, she was my very best friend.

I am so sorry for your losses, I understand how painful it is and am glad that I can share my pain and know it would be understood.

I was lucky in the sense that my brother and I insisted on making a week where we were just all together as a family....my dad, my mom, my brother and I.

I was down in FL for the winter to recuperate from the loss of my younger brother and my other brother and I decided to take mom and dad away from the doctors and hospital for a week so we could just be all together before she wouldn't be able to do so. And it was a blessing to have that time together.....just to be in one place for a week was a gift that we gave ourselves.

Mom was weak and pain but the doctors supported us in this venture and worked with us by phone to make her comfortable. It was just my brother, dad, mom and I. WE had my aunt (mom's only sibling) & uncle fly down for a few days as well.

One thing on Mom's "Bucket List" was to go to this restaurant she heard about....the doctors worked with us to get her feeling up to that and we took her to it...a place called "Stir Crazy" where they cook up made to order chinese food over a fired up Wok!!

She smiled and we had a wonderful week together. I bathed her and the most precious memory I have of that week was of my brother and I tucking mom and dad into bed each night.

Mom returned home and things worsened day by day. Three weeks later she was admitted into a Hospice Center to try to hydrate her from not being able to keep much down. That night I got a call that she had deteriorated, she was unresponsive.

I got a flight to get to her....I entered the room and hugged her and told her I was there and loved her. She breathed her last breath and I heard it.....she waited until we were all there. My brother and dad and I. She KNEW that we were together just the way she wanted it to be.

I am thankful that we had that precious week together, it is what is getting me through this difficult time knowing that we seized the moment and made that memory together to add to all the rest.

I go on because that is the way that mom would want it to be.....it was her legacy to mourn when we need to mourn and to dance when we need to dance. She did this when she lost her youngest child and I think I owe it to her to do the same.

My oldest daughter graduates college in just a few more weeks.....Mom had that on her "Bucket List" to see her first grandchild graduate college. She KNEW that there was a chance that she wouldn't be there and handed me a necklace from her jewelry box during one of my visits to her, placing it in my hands in a velvet pouch, a beautiful cameo necklace, and asked me to give it to my daughter on her Graduation Day if she wasn't there. In a few weeks I will do so, knowing how touched my daughter will be that her "Granny" remembered her in such a way.

I don't know how I will make it through Mother's Day....mom always sent me a card with a hand written note telling me what a wonderful mom I was to my girls and how thankful that she was that she could watch me be the mother I was to them. She took the day to honor ME and this year I will miss that gesture and her presence here to honor her.

But I will find a new way to do so, I guess.

We need to go on....it is so difficult and I too am in a fog but I think about how my mom and brother lived their lives and how I need to honor them by doing the same.

I hope that some of what I share helps.....it sure is easier when others know the pain and share in it.

Thanks for listening and know that you both are in my thoughts and that I am holding you in the light hoping that it gets easier.

(((HUGS))) ~ Ivory

Last edited by Ivorygirl; 04-19-2010 at 05:49 PM.

 
Old 04-20-2010, 11:20 AM   #8
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grandma2o2girls HB User
Re: lost my whole life

Hi Closs,
I know that you are going home today and I wanted to tell you my thoughts are with you. Please just take it easy as I know this will be hard. If you need to talk, I'm here.

And to Ivory, thank you so much for your post. I am sorry for what you had to go thru also. When my dad died in 86, I think I cried for a day and my mom passed in 06 and I also cried for a day. It had alot to do with my childhood and what I went thru. They never said they were sorry for what they did and I felt there was never any closure.

With my husband, he rescued me from that home and I loved him dearly. He was and still is my life. I am just devastated of losing him. I thought if ever he passed that since the way I grieved (if I did at all, maybe grieved from what I didn't have with my parents) for my parents that I would be able to handle it. So very wrong I was. This is unreal.

Thank you again for your post.

Darlene

 
Old 04-20-2010, 01:39 PM   #9
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Re: lost my whole life

I lost my husband March 30, 2010 just 5 short weeks after diagnosis of pancreatic cancer. I felt like I had written the words you wrote. The shock of the diagnosis didn't even get a chance to sink in. I'd say you feel that way. I'm sorry I have no advice just tears for you for I know how bad your hurting. I've turned to my computer these last few days in attempts to find someone who understands. I'm so tired of hearing how it will get better because right now I don't see that.

 
Old 04-20-2010, 10:26 PM   #10
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Re: lost my whole life

Dear Darlene, i know you know what i am talking about, the horror of this disease, in 7 weeks he went from fine, to gone, I did get home today, and it was very hard my son went home and i am alone with my husbands ashes, i can't even explain how i feel, i can't find the right words. It is after 1 in the morning and i am not tired at all, i haven't stopped moving around since my son left doing stupid things, I am going to my family doctor tomorrow hopefully he can give me something so that i can breath again. my insides are in knots. Isn't it so horrible, that they are gone, I hope i can function without him.
God Bless
Karen

Last edited by closs86; 04-20-2010 at 10:38 PM.

 
Old 04-20-2010, 10:28 PM   #11
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Re: lost my whole life

Dear Ivory
I am so sorry for your losses, how can you go through such terrible sickness with someone you love twice, I just don't understand why??? I miss him sooo much
god bless,
karen

Last edited by closs86; 04-20-2010 at 10:41 PM.

 
Old 04-20-2010, 10:30 PM   #12
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Re: lost my whole life

thank you for thinking of me, this was a very hard night for me, but i am here with his ashes by my side, i don't know what is next, I will go to my doctor tomorrow, and then I will look for some bereavement groups or counselors, I know I need it.
thanks again
karen

 
Old 04-20-2010, 10:35 PM   #13
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Re: lost my whole life

Quote:
Originally Posted by jfrthng View Post
I lost my husband March 30, 2010 just 5 short weeks after diagnosis of pancreatic cancer. I felt like I had written the words you wrote. The shock of the diagnosis didn't even get a chance to sink in. I'd say you feel that way. I'm sorry I have no advice just tears for you for I know how bad your hurting. I've turned to my computer these last few days in attempts to find someone who understands. I'm so tired of hearing how it will get better because right now I don't see that.
I can't believe that you went through the same horror, It was like and still is like I am in the middle of a nightmare and waiting to wake up, although in my heart i know that i am not going to wake up, I am still in a fog, my insides feel like a giant knot, I just came back home today, my cousins scooped me away after the funeral, for a week, Coming home was very hard, his ashes are here with me now, so I feel like he is home, although I was devestated to see my Johnny in this box. I wish I could go to sleep tonight, but I am having trouble.
God Bless, I will pray for you also
Karen

 
Old 04-21-2010, 07:17 AM   #14
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Re: lost my whole life

Hi, Karen (we so happen to share the same name) ~ I am sorry that your homecoming is so painful. I found that to be the most difficult time as well.....well 2nd to walking into Mom and Dad's place after leaving the Hospice Center and her not being there.

Then after the service and going back to the hotel room trying to be strong for my dad and letting it all out wondering how I am going to go on without a mom in my life.

And then coming home to the quiet and the reality. Eventually you will sleep but it is good that you are going to the doctor.

It's going to be difficult, the usual patterns of your life and the quietness will echo the reality of Johnny not being there.

I would imagine that for you it is much more difficult in that sense because I still have my hubby here with me, for me it is not being able to pick up the phone and talk to my mom which we did almost everyday, sometimes a few times depending on what was happening. Now I find myself talking to my aunt (mom's only sister) or my dad or my other brother who are feeling the same void in their lives.

It's going to take time, Karen, and nobody can say how long.

Somebody told me that the rule of thumb for any major change in one's life is a good year, I don't know because we haven't even reached the year mark for my brother and I still ache inside from that loss.

So I am giving myself "permission" to grieve as long as I need to and encourage you to do the same.

It is easier letting it out with others who are experiencing the same.

Yes, for me I feel as if I suddenly lost half my family. I still have dad and my other brother but it feels off balance without my mom and my youngest brother.

I found that making a garden for mom helps....I then have a place to sit and be with her and talk. Perhaps in time planting a tree in honor of Johnny will help, something that you can watch grow over the years.

But for now be gentle to yourself.....nourish yourself and try to rest.

I find myself sleeping more than I should and am probably a little depressed. That is, from what I have read, a normal stage in the grieving process so I am not too worried.

I am glad that you are going to your doctor today.....he will help you through so that you can get through the difficult days/months ahead.

Allow your son/family to reach out to you and help you if need be....they need to cling to their dad's/Johnny's memory by being near the closest part of him, YOU.

I talk to my dad now almost everyday by phone.....we never did so but I KNOW how difficult it must be for him to come home to the quietness. Thank God he is in an independent living facility with lots of things to do. My brother and I often refer to it as "a cruise ship on land" because all he has to do is walk out his door and there is tons to do. And thankfully he is doing that which comforts me.

I encourage you to do the same....as much as you would like to just stay behind the confines of your home, make it a point to at least go for a walk daily. I walk my dog and that helps me quite a bit. As far as other things, it takes alot of motivation to do them but I do get out to the store and just started seeing friends again this past weekend.

Well, I didn't mean to ramble on, just wanted to extend a hand your way and let you know that we are walking right by your side.

It's a difficult journey but it sure becomes easier when traveling with others who understand the loss and the pain.

Love and ((((HUGS)))) ~ Ivory aka Karen#2

Last edited by Ivorygirl; 04-21-2010 at 07:23 AM.

 
Old 04-21-2010, 05:07 PM   #15
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Re: lost my whole life

Quote:
Originally Posted by closs86 View Post
I can't believe that you went through the same horror, It was like and still is like I am in the middle of a nightmare and waiting to wake up, although in my heart i know that i am not going to wake up, I am still in a fog, my insides feel like a giant knot, I just came back home today, my cousins scooped me away after the funeral, for a week, Coming home was very hard, his ashes are here with me now, so I feel like he is home, although I was devestated to see my Johnny in this box. I wish I could go to sleep tonight, but I am having trouble.
God Bless, I will pray for you also
Karen
Im thinking I need to find a local support group. The days and nights are long and never ending misery. Have you found a way to sleep?
Janet

 
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