This post is graphical so please dont read if you are upset by that.
Quite a long winded story but here goes.
im currently employed in the armed forces and have been for the past 3 and a half years. I recently had 3 months off to give a kidney to my mum as she has been through so much in the past 10 or so years, so i decided to give her a break by donating.
The operation went very very well with both me and mum managing to get home for christmas. We were both in agonising pain but managed to pull through to have a nice christmas together.
Shortly after xmas mum got some sort of throat infection while recovering from the op, it later pushed it further and further to the point where she admitted herself to help. During her stay in hospital she contracted Swine Flu and shortly after passed away. During this time i was unable to see my mum due to my wound being heavily infected which would have created all sorts of problems if id have entered her room.
After all of the hospital grieving i had to knuckle down and stay strong for the future. Ive had to take responsibility for moms council property, manage alot of bills coming in the house, look after my girlfriend who is depressed and also my aunt who is on heavy anti-depressants and then go back to work 14 days after mums death.
I always knew i would find it tough going back to work but never truly understood until i did. Id go as far as saying it kills me inside to be there. It makes me feel lost, destroyed and alone being there. Im suprised ive survived this past month.
Ive been through all the interviews i need to, to get me out of the army in around 2 months time but i just cant face going back again. Ive come back for easter leave and alway knew that if i came back home from work, id end up in the situation where i cudnt go back.
Ive spent my 2 weeks away from the army very well, ive rtied renovating my mums garden which she always wanted, ive planted plants for her and planted a weeping cherry tree where i plan to spread her ashes.
For the past week or so i have been thinking of ways to not go back, and so at first i devised a plan to stab a knife through my hand. I thought nothing of it at the time because i still had a week left before having to return. Today came the day to go back. I had 2 hours in which to figure out what i was going to do, i stood with a knife over my hand but cudnt face it knowing i may lose feeling in my hand( at this time i was thinking sensible ) but then i grabbed a glass, smashed it and jabbed it into my hand which didnt work, i tried all sorts. I got to a point where i just got carried away with harming my hand and didnt even care about the pain. I got some broken glass and started hitting it with a hammer in the palm of my hand but again it didnt cause enough pain to stop me from going back. I then found the sharpest peice of glass and dug it in deeply, several times which had quite an effect.
I then got to A+E and got it sorted.
I then realised what i had done was pointless and started thinking about other ways.. I can now see that this is only going to get worse and so im going to a GP to confess all tommorow, but this worries me because ive told doctors that it cud get to this point even though i never thought it would and they didnt seem to know what to do, they just said a few words to my boss at work and that was that, nothing realyy happened.
I cant bare to go back and leave my mums house. Ive worked out a new career i want and have arranged a course and everything.
again sorry about the graphical nature of this post but i thought it was needed to get the whole picture.
Last edited by michaelb1915; 04-18-2010 at 08:28 AM.
The following user gives a hug of support to michaelb1915: schmatti (05-10-2011)
Oh Michael, I am soo sorry for your loss....I too recently lost my mom only weeks ago and am having a tough time of it in terms of my grief. I also lost my little brother about 9 months ago, only 6 months before my mom discovered that she had cancer. So I am truly filled with pain in having two great losses like this but my mom is hitting me very hard.
In your case, you lost two things....you lost a kidney, and oh what a loving sacrifice that was for your dear mom, and then lost your mom in such a terrible unexpected way. And not being able to see her before she passed, oh how awful that must have been for you to not be able to go to her when you really wanted to.
But she would have wanted it that way, a mom is like that and wouldn't have wanted you to put yourself in harm's way. So if there is any guilt in that you need to release yourself from it's grip and KNOW that your mom would have insisted that you not risk your own health to see her.
Now....your issue here is your grief and how you are dealing with it and not returning to your job. You are definitely in need of some professional support in all of this since you obviously have plans to bring harm to yourself if you have to return to work.
I commend you in confessing all to your GP, that is a GREAT start. How did that go???
If I read your post correctly, arrangements have already been made for you to leave the armed forces in 2 months....that is a goal you need to reach.
Do you have any sick leave or any other time that can be utilized to take off???
I am thinking that perhaps you can get some mental health leave or at least be followed closely by a psychiatrist to get you through these next two months.
It sounds like you may need a medication to help you get through this after seeing a good psychiatrist.
I hope that your GP puts things in action to help support you through this.
You do need to seek the help out to keep yourself safe. I know how difficult this must have been to disclose but with the proper support you WILL get through this.
You have been through a really tough time both physically and emotionally and having to be there for your girlfriend as well as your aunt in addition to all of this is just way too much to take on.
AS they say, one must put the oxygen mask on themselves before assisting others and I think that it is time to take care of yourself.
Please post an update and know that you are in my thoughts and prayers.
Hi Michael.....just checking in and letting you know that I was thinking about you. I hope that your visit to your GP helped point you in the right direction of finding the help and support that you need.
When you are able to, PLEASE, check in and let us know how things are going for you.