Hi there.....I just lost my mom and yes, it's such a GREAT loss but I am hoping that how I am feeling now, which is numb, fatigued and really sad will change because I know that is not how she would want me feeling, certainly not for 34 years as you describe.
I think that you need to perhaps look at it from your mom's perspective. I know that my mom did everything possible to make sure I was happy and even when she KNEW she was going to die from this cancer she told me that she wasn't scared but more concerned about how I would be.
She made me promise that I would be alright and take care of myself and I intend to keep that promise.
I know that for now I must take this time to grieve and give myself "permission" to do so.
And eventually, with baby steps I will go on to live holding all the wonderful memories in my heart that she would want me to remember.
I think that your mom, like mom, would want us remembering all those good and special times and not have them overshadowed by that day in the hospital that she couldn't control and has taken up residence in your mind more than the good memories. That is what I am doing to make sure I don't get stuck in the mode of allowing my mom's life, her wonderful life, to be overshadowed by bad memories when there were far more wonderful and special ones.
We can choose what we want to remember of our loved ones and plant that within our hearts allowing it to grow, something that can never be taken away and can live on within us until we are reunited with them.
I received this poem just yesterday from a dear friend and I plan on printing it out and reading it whenever those bad feelings try to take over. I thought I would share it with you and it can be a start for you to move forward KNOWING that this is not the way that your mom would like her memory to be for you at this time. I hope it helps.
YOU CAN GO ON
You can shed tears that I am gone, or you can smile because I have lived.
You can close your eyes and pray that I will come back, or you can open your eyes and see all that I have left you.
Your heart can be empty because you cannot see me, or your heart can be full of the love that we have shared.
You can turn your back on tomorrow and live for yesterday.
Or you can remember me and only that I am gone, or you can cherish my memory and let it live on.
You can cry and close your eyes, be empty and turn back, or you can do what I would want...
SMILE. OPEN YOUR EYES, LOVE AND GO ON
May God bless you and help you move forward to a life of peace and happiness.
(((HUGS))) ~ Ivory