I lost my son and am devastated
Just this morning while driving home from a short shopping trip, I started to cry. Iím not sure what it was that I saw or remembered that brought the tears. Maybe just the fact that it was Saturday and I thought about the many times my son, daughter-in-law and grandson would go out shopping or to breakfast. Whatever it was, the tears were uncontrollable and the hurt in my gut was gripping.
It has been almost 6 weeks now since my oldest child, 37 year old son Joshua, died of a sudden and unexpected massive heart attack. For the last 10 or so years, he and his wife and child have lived just 2 doors down from me so I saw them often and was very close to my son. Joshua was the most kind hearted person and was always there to help. Because I am disabled and have a difficult time walking any distance, he helped with out complaint if I needed the trash taken out or and errand run. Joshua was a big man with a big smile and a big bear hug.
The night that he died, I heard the sirens coming up the street and always, when you hear something like that, you hope that it isnít for a neighbor or friend. But they stopped and as I left the house as quickly as I could to check on things, there they were, the fire trucks and ambulances in front of my sonís house. The house was filled with chaos and my daughter-in-law and grandson were on separate ends of the couch wailing. I grabbed my grandson and asked him to pray with me. No amount of prayer that night could fix what had just happened. Joshua, my first born, the kindest, sweetest most loving man Iíve ever known was dead.
I remember bits and pieces about the rest of that night but not all. I know that family and friends quickly showed up at the house while the EMTs were there and I remember someone covering me with a blanket. The paramedics had asked us to go outside of the house. It must have been cold. In fact, all that I can remember about the first week and a half is crying and family bickering. But, my son was gone. There was no band aid, no pill, so magic that could bring Joshua back.
It has been about 6 weeks now since that horrible night. My daughter-in-law packed up, abandoned their home and left the state with my grandson in tow. I weep for the loss of my son every day. I weep for the loss of being able to see my grandson almost every day. I weep because this is far beyond the worse nightmare I could ever have and nothing that I do can change the fact that heís gone. I miss him terribly.
I still have trouble looking at photos of him. I canít listen to music. I donít want to go anywhere unless I absolutely have to and I donít want to talk to anyone except a select few. I have no appreciation right now for the springtime. No one could possibly imagine the pain of loosing their child unless theyíve been through it. Never in my right mind did I think that I would loose one of my children. Itís not supposed to happen that way. Parents go first, not children. He was only 37. He was loved by dozens of friends and all of his family and especially by me.
Yes, I am in therapy which helps a bit but it doesnít fill the hole that has been left in my heart. Reason tells me that things will get better with time. Reason tells me that I am not alone in this. Right now I feel drained and would rather sleep the day away, forgo my morning shower or sit in a corner with numbness at my side. Reason isnít working very well.
Like I said, I am devastated over this and don't know if I will ever get over it.