Hi Little Sunshine
I just lost my little brother about 10 months ago and my mom a little over a month ago.
With my brother, he had a rare illness and was in Hospice Care for well over 3 years. So we had time to go through the reality that we were going to lose him eventually and the journey was although painful, a very beautiful experience for us to be able to make with him.
However, with my mom, who had lived a longer life and you would think one would be more prepared for losing has been even more difficult for me to get through.
Whether it is because it came to us as a shocking revelation that a perfectly healthy woman who walked 2-3 miles a day suddenly, and only months after the loss of my brother, had a late stage bile duct cancer that there was no treatment for OR that we lost her in just a few months since getting her diagnosis still remains to be determined. All I know is that I am struggling through that loss much more than I have with losing my little brother. Perhaps it was because I spoke to my mom almost daily by phone and no longer have that to look forward to each day.
Still, like you, I am walking around feeling numb and in autopilot just like you have described feeling since the loss of your dad.
So I think that it is pretty normal, we have suffered a GREAT loss in our lives and haven't completed our journey of grief. It's going to take time, I guess.
They say that there are stages to grief and loss and that each of us will progress at our own pace. That of anger, denial, bargaining, depression and eventually final acceptance.
I think that you and I are at the depression phase, the one that proceeds final acceptance. How long we will remain here is yet to be determined.
I know for me, as Mother's Day approaches I am feeling more and more a sense of the loss of not having my mom physically here with me anymore. I am trying to deal with that the best that I can trying to figure out how I will celebrate that day without her here with me.
I will have to find a different way in which to honor her and have yet to figure that out.
I would guess that you will have the same struggles as Father's Day approaches.
Just wanted to let you know, I understand and that even though I don't have the answers to your questions that I am journeying this path right beside you.
So you are not alone....I think we just need to give ourselves permission to feel whatever we do feel, even if it is numbness, realizing that there is no rhyme or reason to grief and that each of us will cope with our losses differently.
IF you or I get to the point where we do not participate in life anymore it may be time to seek out some professional help to help us progress towards a final acceptance.....but for now I think that this is all perfectly normal what we are feeling and experiencing.
Please know that my thoughts and prayers are being sent your way for your deep loss hoping that you are able to get through the difficult times ahead.
(((((HUGS)))))) ~ Ivory