I'm a total loser.
This is how I'm feeling right now...like a total loser.
I didn't grow up with an eating disorder. I don't even know if I really have one.
I grew up with a mom who was obsessed with her looks. For some reason, it never rubbed off on me. I always knew my biological mom didn't love me, and I think that's why.
I was adopted when I was seventeen by another family; sweetest, kindest people in the world. My adopted mom is overweight. That does not bother me in the slightest; but it bothers her. Since I've known her (about 8 years now), I've heard her constantly talk about how fat she is, how she hates that she's fat, et cetera. I think that has really rubbed off on me. I seriously never had a problem growing up, but, at the same time, I don't want to say that it's her influence.
Anyway, I still didn't have a problem, I think, but I started having thoughts of "I'm fat; I'm ugly; I'm worthless..."
I hated it. It's not me!
I still didn't have a problem.
A couple of years ago, my little sister died. It was unexpected; and she was like my baby. I didn't know what to do--I was completely devastated.
I think that's where it all started. I couldn't keep anything down for about 10 days after she died. I lost about 35 pounds in those 10 days. I was a pretty healthy person, I think--5'4", 140 pounds. After the 10 days, I was at about 105 pounds.
My mom told me to weigh myself one day. I hadn't even realized I had lost weight; nor did I care. When I saw '105' on the scale, it scared me. I started eating, but it has taken nearly 2 years to get to 135.
In the months that followed my sister's death, I had to go back to college to keep a scholarship. I found myself not able to eat much at all, and puking anytime I felt sad about her death (which was often).
Now, a couple years later, I'm back to about 135 pounds. I lie and tell people I weigh 140.
I feel so ugly and fat and worthless. I hate myself. I don't know what to do anymore, and I don't think I care that much anymore.
I don't care about food. I can't really taste it anymore, and it just gives me a stomachache, anyway. It is pointless to eat. All it does is make me feel sick or fat.
If I eat, I just drink smoothies most of the time. At least I don't have to think about it. I don't have to chew it.
I don't even know if this constitutes an eating disorder. I am just sick of myself, I was lying awake, and thought I wanted to say these things somewhere. No one around me would care to hear any of this. If I talked to my mom, she would either be disgusted because all she can see is how fat she is, and how dare I think I'm fat; or, she would freak out and think I'm too thin. She thinks I'm too thin, anyway.
Other people say I'm fine, but I looked online at a fat-indexing computation thing, and it says I should be worried about my weight.
Sorry to even post this. I think I'll delete it tomorrow.
I don't see how anyone could see anything worthwhile in me.
Last edited by mod-anon; 05-30-2010 at 04:27 AM.
Reason: merging posts