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Old 06-08-2010, 11:35 AM   #1
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Anticipatory Grief

I have got to pull it together, but I cannot stop crying. I don't know if I am going to be able to make it through things without falling apart.

My Dad is in hospice. He's been fighting with Alzheimers for years. I thought I'd dealt with most of it years ago, and maybe I had. But now that he is in hospice I am falling apart. I have no one to support me in my life. I have to be strong for my Mom and my siblings and I are estranged completely. My friend of 35 years attacked me the other day for grieving this loss and other things and so I am grieving the loss of a 35 year friendship too. She was going to go to the funeral with me but now she is not welcome.

At any rate, I am leaving two weeks from today to go see him one last time and say good-bye. I have no idea when he will die. I do hope he lasts until I can go see him. But I am terrified of getting on the plane, renting the car and saying good-bye. Mom tells me he has really gone downhill since I last saw him last September and reminds me that these final images are going to be etched in my brain. I know this, but I feel it's the right thing to go see him one last time.

I do see a therapist and thank God I see him today. Before Dad went into hospice I was not even over what happened last November when I realized the man I wanted to spend my life with was nothing more than a narcisstic womanizer. So in the course of these past 12 months I've ended that, am having to end a 35 year friendship, and my Dad is going to die. I am overwhelmed and just cannot stop crying.

Is the grief worse when waiting for someone to pass or is it worse when they pass or is it worse after they pass? Because I am just barely hanging on by a thread here. Thanks for any replies.

 
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Old 06-08-2010, 06:45 PM   #2
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Re: Anticipatory Grief

I'm sorry I have no first hand experience about this, but I just wanted to say that I'm so sorry that your Dad isn't doing well, and that people close to you aren't understanding
why you're so upset. That seems very heartless to me.
In much, much time I am betting that your memories of your Dad will be a blessing to you and not a horror. What you are going through, and will be growing through, is not easy. Don't try to "be strong" for others. It's okay to grieve.

blessings, Sue

 
Old 06-10-2010, 07:26 AM   #3
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Re: Anticipatory Grief

Quote:
Originally Posted by braveheart226 View Post
I'm sorry I have no first hand experience about this, but I just wanted to say that I'm so sorry that your Dad isn't doing well, and that people close to you aren't understanding
why you're so upset. That seems very heartless to me.
In much, much time I am betting that your memories of your Dad will be a blessing to you and not a horror. What you are going through, and will be growing through, is not easy. Don't try to "be strong" for others. It's okay to grieve.

blessings, Sue
Thanks, Sue. I do hope you are right.

While it's okay to grieve and I figure pretty much unavoidable, I have been falling apart way too early in this whole process and it's rendered me non functional. My one Dr. was not willing to help me out at all so I went to my other Dr. yesterday and he did. He gave me something to take for anxiety if I need it. Just knowing I have it has helped immensely in that I feel like I am not going to fall apart.

I went to a grief group the other day but I guess it was for people whose loved ones have already passed. So there goes that resource at this point in time.

 
Old 06-11-2010, 07:39 AM   #4
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Re: Anticipatory Grief

Anotheryear,

My heart goes out to you at this difficult time. Hugs

I lost my brother last year who was on hospice at the age of 50. I can say this to help ease you just a little bit. While my brother was on hospice, there is counseling from hospice to help you thru the grieving process (because it starts at diagnosis) It does not matter where you live, they will continue to help any relative that needs it for one year after the loss of your loved one. It's never easy to know your leaving your loved one but on the same token, you know the suffering is over and this will make it somewhat easier to handle when that time comes. I am still grieving right now and taking things one day at a time. Hopefully you will be able to do the same.

My deepest sympathy for you right now,
Kathy
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Old 06-13-2010, 05:45 AM   #5
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Re: Anticipatory Grief

I know that everyone reacts differently in situations like this. I know as my husband's health declined after a lenghty illness, I felt loss of what had gone by the wayside as his health deteriorated. He was no longer the strength of the family, the protector. Our converstaions were more focused on his health and not the day to day that we had shared for so many years. Our private time together consisted of medications, and instructions, and caring for his needs. You feel lost at being powerless to change the outcome. It is a stage of grieving for what was, even though one is still with you in body; in essence they are gone in spirit. I know exactly what you are feeling. Please know that well-intentioned people will say things that seem very hurtful at times. My best advise is to remember we all should strive not to judge another until you have walked in their shoes. Maybe your friend needs a reminder. God bless you.

 
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