I had a miscarriage December 2009. I was about 3 months along. Since the miscarriage happened, I've been having a very difficult time dealing with it. When it first happened, I guess I dealt with it the way most people would consider normal. I found out their was no heart beat and my first reaction was disbelief. Then I cried uncontrollably. Then when I realized I had to have a D & C done, I freaked out and panicked, not thinking I could go through with it,. Every aspect, both physical and emotional, of the D & C scared me to death. When it was over, I began grieving like most people do when someone extremely close to them dies. I had no appetite, didn't take any phone calls for weeks, had no interest in talking to anyone, not even my parents. As time, went on i thought, just like most people, that evenutally it would get better and easier to deal with. I wouldn't say that it's gotten easier, but it has started to feel different, but not for the better. I still feel the empty feeling of the loss, but it's not at the forefront of my mind as much. I've noticed that I have become more bitter and angry. I don't have patience for anything or anyone, everything pisses me off. I get very stressed out when I have to be around anyone. My stomach is always in knots and I actually think I may have an ulcer. I don't know what to think about how I feel because when I know Im going to be around people, I get stressed out and panic, but then when I am around them, it's like I turn off and feel nothing, or make myself feel nothing so that I don't risk getting upset around them. I'm afraid that I'm evolving from grief into full-blown depression. I think that the reason it continued to get worse is because my husband and I have been trying for months to get pregnant again and it's not working. So i'm dealing with, not only the frustration of that, but also the fear that maybe something is wrong with me and that's why I lost the first baby. I don't know what to do. Sometimes, I feel so overwhelmed by all the different emotions I'm feeling. When all this first happened, I felt like I had a clear understanding of how I felt, even if I didn't understand why it happened. Now, as time goes on, it's so hard for me to even my sense of my own feelings. Even trying to write it down here is giving me a headache.
I know that there are no words that can warm your heart right now but I am so sorry for your miscarriage. I experienced a miscarriage with my first and only pregnancy just last month.
Reading your story resonated with me so much. As time has gone on, I find myself angrier and more bitter day by day. When I went in for my very first confirmation appointment, I was told that I was 9 weeks and 2 days along. I was given my due date and even a bag of books and pamplets on pregnancy by my doctor's nurse before I actually saw my doctor. After my doctor saw me and did the ultrasound, I was told that there was no heartbeat, no fetal pole and the fetus didn't look developed past 3 or 4 weeks. The fact that I'd been given my due date and lovely baby books BEFORE I had the ultrasound and was told of the miscarriage seemed like a cruel joke. In fact, the next time that I see my OBGYN, I'm going to suggest that she and her staff not give the books and due date to the couple until everything is confirmed ok in the ultrasound.
I know how you feel. Even though my pregnacy was totally unplanned, and even though at first I wasn't sure that I could go through with the pregnancy, I still feel cheated. That was MY baby and no one had the right to take it from me!!! I've always been a dutiful Catholic girl and I feel angry with God.
Just today I had lunch with 2 friends from high school. (I'm 30-years old.) One has 2 girls and is currently pregnant with twin girls and she's had FIVE abortions in 13 years, and my other friend has a beautiful 2 year-old. The mother of the 2-year old is extremely overweight and she didn't even know that she was pregnant until she was close to 6 months along due to her size. I don't say this to be mean at all, I only mention her being overweight because she didn't even think she could ever have children. She had a 2 date fling with a guy and she got pregnant and now she has a beautiful little girl. I, on the other hand, am healthy, 5'9'' 140lbs, don't smoke or drink and I did EVERYTHING RIGHT! But I have a miscarriage while it seems that everyone else doesn't?!!! How is this fair? To make things even harder on me, my very best friend is expecting in September with her first child and she's over the moon. I'm happy for her but I don't know how I can bring myself to fly to New York for her baby shower next month.
Klb, I'm thinking of looking for miscarriage support groups/classes in my area sometime soon. Have you considered this, too? I think this can help women (and men) who feel the way we do. I'm trying not to shut the world out but it's hard. I go to work, come home and drink until I go to sleep. I can't keep living my life this way.
I have been seeing a psychiatrist (I'd been seeing her well over a year before I even got pregnant) and that's been a big help, too. She wants me to go on anti-depressants and, even though I'm against that, at this point I think it may be a very good thing for me. Is there a psychiatrist or therapist that you could see? How does your husband seem to be holding up? Are you able to express your anger to him?
Klb, I wrote for the very first time since my miscarriage on another forum and a poster (a guy of course) told me that I need to try to "get over it!". I sent him the nastiest email I've ever sent!!! This won't be an easy road for us to walk, Klb, and unfortunately this is something that we will never be able to forget. But, my greatest piece of advice to you, to others and to myself is this: Let yourself heal on YOUR terms. If you feel that you need to "snap out of it" because quite a few months have past, don't feel that way. Grieve however long you feel you need to grieve. Don't feel as if because time has passed that you should feel "better".
I pray for you that you and your husband have your beautiful little baby soon! We will see our angels again, Klb. We will...