riceball

Hello all -

My father passed away about 4 months ago and I still feel as though I have not really "dealt" with the reality of it. I am a musician and music student, so my life is always busy. People have even mentioned lately I am handling the death of my father really well, but the harsh truth to the situation is I have not handled it at all. I feel sad and upset most of the time and I don't know how to deal with it.

My dad was ill for a long time before his passing, however, his actual death was very traumatic and sudden. He had a massive heart attack in the kitchen of our house. My mother and I watched him fall onto the tile flooring and on the way down his hand was torn open by a cabinet handle. There was blood everywhere. My fiance is a medic and had just left, so he immediately came back and helped me roll my father onto his back. He had been tangled up in his oxygen cord and I started chest compressions. Of course emergency vehicles were already sending out aid, my mom had called them. They arrived after about five minutes and took over. My father passed officially 45 minutes later at the local emergency department.

I can still see the scene in my mind and feel his heart beating under my hands as I compressed his chest. I have this internal guilt which is slowly eating me away...I feel like I could have done something more. I could have saved him...I am a little lost right now. I am not sure what I should do.

I have some people close to me telling me I should be over it and back to my old self. It is difficult for me to believe I should be over something so traumatic. Just typing this here helps a little.

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"When you're drowning, you don't say 'I would be incredibly pleased if someone would have the foresight to notice me drowning and come and help me,' you just scream." - John Lennon