I lost my mom 3 months ago and am feeling a bit like you. She was only 73 and we had lost my little brother only 9 months before her. He had a rare illness and we had time to make the journey....my mom suffered through losing her youngest child and yet emulated such grace in doing so.
And then while still grieving for my brother my mom discovered when falling on a suitcase handle and checking for a broken rib that she had Biliary Duct Cancer that was in her liver as well.
It knocked the wind out of us....and within 2 months she was gone.
But she went so gracefully and on her own terms.
I cry for her like today when I was making her banana bread for the first time since losing her and as I did forgetting if there were 1 or 2 eggs and wanting to call her and knowing that I couldn't.
It's my birthday this week and my dad arrived today to spend it with me driving from PA. I miss mom and know that he is here with me knowing that....she already gave me a birthday present in a way that only would come from her.
In the past my mother in law, who I do love dearly, often oversteps her boundaries by coming for a visit even when it was inconvenient for me. She came many times for my birthday when my mom wanted to be with me and my mom gracefully bowed out.
This time when I told my MIL that I was having my dad in for my birthday and she wanted to come as well and seemed to be pulling the same Shenanigans she called back a few days later saying that she was coming a few weeks later.
I KNOW that my mom intervened from above to make sure that I had the birthday that I needed with my dad.....I could hear her saying that what she couldn't do for me on earth she can easily do from up above.
Be open to receiving your mother's love....it will come in different ways and you will feel it.
I miss talking to my mom and being able to pick up the phone and hear her voice on the other end. But I am finding such comfort in the memories we made together....there are so many of them to pull from and which will always be here with me until we are together again.
I hope that you get some comfort from what I have shared. I am here for you if you need to talk some more.
I do find talking about my mom really helps me get through the difficult days.
And having the wonderful family and friends that I do really helps too.
So give yourself permission to grieve.....everyone goes at their own pace. My church has a bereavement group that will be meeting in the fall. I am thinking about attending because it will help to be amongst others who have suffered a loss who understand how difficult it is.
Sending you lots of (((HUGS))) from another who lost a very special mom.
Love ~ Ivory