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Old 09-07-2010, 03:34 PM   #1
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redwind30 HB User
no family

April 24 was the day my world ended. The day my precious husband passed away. I know all of us are dealing with the same issues. The lonliness, the fear, frustration and pain that seems like it will cut me in half. I am just wondering; for those of you who like myself don't have any family close by, do you think the pain is worse? I am constantly afraid that I will get sick (I am only 50, but as we all know so well being young is no protection) and I won't have anyone to take care of me. As a matter of fact, shortly after I lost him, one of my cousins said "if you get sick or you have to have surgery, you will probably end up in a nursing home until you get better". Now, I can't get that thought out of my head. Having surgery or being in the hospital and not having and advocate. Not having anyone to help me through it.
Even everyday life seems like it would be better if I had family close by; stupid stuff like "do I need an electrician or just a handyman" "should I take the dog to the vet or not" "do I really need all of that maintenance work done on my car".
Just being able to show up at somebody's house for supper unannounced.
And one of the most important things of all just having someone put their arms around me and saying "I love you, I am here for you"
Just need to know if anyone else without family feels the same as me????
Thanks!

 
Old 09-08-2010, 02:59 PM   #2
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Re: no family

I felt really sad reading your story, so sorry you lost your husband and that you feel alone. Have you thought of moving closer to your family? Why didn't your cousin say he or she would be there for you and not come out with an insensitive comment about going in a lonely hospital or home or alone. That was really heartless what she said. She should of said ''i'm always here if you need me, your my family and i love you and im here if you just want to talk to someone about the hurt your going through over your husbands death''. Sending cuddles to you xxx

 
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Old 09-09-2010, 01:42 PM   #3
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Re: no family

Firstly, I am so sorry for your loss.

And yes, I am in a similar boat. I've lost both of my parents over the past 3 years. I am an only child (an adult child) with a young child of my own. I have only ONE other living relative, an out of state uncle that hasn't even come up to visit me after the losses, so to say I feel alone is an understatement, because I AM alone.

I am isolated in the grieving process because I don't have family to somewhat fill the void. I am not married, although my daughter's father and I have been on and off for 14 years. I won't marry him and put myself in a generally unhappy situation just to have someone...I still have to be true to my feelings, through I am sad and lonely for a real family connection, especially with the holidays coming up pretty soon (again).

There are days when I want to crawl up in a ball and just bawl my eyes out, but instead I get out of bed and do what I need to do for my daughter and myself, and trust that one way or the other it will work out just as it's supposed to, but the sad reality is that it "working out as it's supposed to" isn't synonymous with "for the better." I've experienced a lot of stress, sadness and heartache over the past 4 years to feel fully optimistic about the future. I try to make the best of it and am grateful to have great friends in my life, but I know that I will forever be an "onlooker" participant in their lives and holiday celebrations and MY family, those with whom I did everything with and for who know me better than I even know myself, are gone and will forever be gone.

I am sure I am not helping you feel better, and for that I am sorry, but I do understand the feelings of isolation and loneliness, and sometimes it just helps to know that there other that "get" you and what you're going thru, especially when dealing with different levels and circumstances of grief.

 
Old 09-20-2010, 06:45 PM   #4
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Re: no family

Yes, I can tell that you really do "get it". I too feel like I will forever be an onlooker and will never really be a part of anything or anyone. Both of my parents are gone. My brother is over 500 miles away with adult children and grand children. I feel as if I really don't matter to anyone any more. I dread the upcoming months. Last week was my birthday, Next month would have been our 12 Wedding anniversary and I don't even want to think about Thanksgiving and Christmas. I don't know if the pain will ever end. This world is made for couples and families. I don't think they have any idea how blessed they are to have each other.
Thanks for listening.

 
Old 09-20-2010, 06:52 PM   #5
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Re: no family

Quote:
Originally Posted by puppyluva View Post
I felt really sad reading your story, so sorry you lost your husband and that you feel alone. Have you thought of moving closer to your family? Why didn't your cousin say he or she would be there for you and not come out with an insensitive comment about going in a lonely hospital or home or alone. That was really heartless what she said. She should of said ''i'm always here if you need me, your my family and i love you and im here if you just want to talk to someone about the hurt your going through over your husbands death''. Sending cuddles to you xxx
I don't know why she didn't offer to come. She doesn't work; is very well off financialy. To be honest I really had not even thought about having health problems until she brough it up. She was very quick to say that she would not be able to come due to family obligations (she has adult children and grand children) However, She also goes on at least two cruises a year and frequently goes to vacation at the beach. I guess the simple, cold truth is that "talk is cheap" and it is easy for her to tell me she loves me, but if I ever really need her I know I won't be able to count on her.

I don't know which is worse; thinking that you can depend on someone and finding out at the last minute that they won't be there for you. Or just knowing up front that soemone whom you dearly love can't be depended on.

As far as moving; I am fifty-one and seven years away from retirement. Too close to retirement to give it up; I only have my income and would not be able to make it financialy.

It is what it is. And, I know I have to find a way to cope.
Thanks so much for listening.

 
Old 09-21-2010, 08:35 AM   #6
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Re: no family

Quote:
Originally Posted by redwind30 View Post
I don't know which is worse; thinking that you can depend on someone and finding out at the last minute that they won't be there for you. Or just knowing up front that soemone whom you dearly love can't be depended on.
That’s a toss up, truly. I have only one other blood relative (that I keep in touch with), my mom’s younger brother. He lives out of state, no more than 4 hours away.

I get a lot of lip service from him, “We’re here if you need anything, we love you.” “We need to make it a point to see each other more,” blah blah blah. I guess that’s only when *I* make the effort to go there; they haven’t visited since 2008 and I’ve been down there to see them at least twice since then. When they were supposed to come up last fall I got an email excuse from him as to having a colonoscopy scheduled for that day (and given all the PTO they have it would have NOT been an issue to reschedule their visit here with regard to time off of work) and then it was, “We’ll visit in the spring.” Spring of ’10 came and went and then it was “we’ll visit soon.” A few weeks ago it was, “We’re trying to get tickets for a sporting event up there, and of course, we want to see you too.” They were unsuccessful at getting tickets so needless to say the discussions of coming up still just to visit have stopped.

And I may be lonely for family but I’ll be darned if I’m going to beg for a visit from them (him and his wife) or deliver myself to their doorstep again because it hurts to keep putting out and not getting anything back, and I'm not going to put myself out there and feel resentment for it so I just shut up about it ( unless I'm on here ) and go about my business.

 
Old 09-23-2010, 07:46 PM   #7
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Re: no family

Quote:
Originally Posted by redwind30 View Post
April 24 was the day my world ended. The day my precious husband passed away. I know all of us are dealing with the same issues. The lonliness, the fear, frustration and pain that seems like it will cut me in half. I am just wondering; for those of you who like myself don't have any family close by, do you think the pain is worse? I am constantly afraid that I will get sick (I am only 50, but as we all know so well being young is no protection) and I won't have anyone to take care of me. As a matter of fact, shortly after I lost him, one of my cousins said "if you get sick or you have to have surgery, you will probably end up in a nursing home until you get better". Now, I can't get that thought out of my head. Having surgery or being in the hospital and not having and advocate. Not having anyone to help me through it.
Even everyday life seems like it would be better if I had family close by; stupid stuff like "do I need an electrician or just a handyman" "should I take the dog to the vet or not" "do I really need all of that maintenance work done on my car".
Just being able to show up at somebody's house for supper unannounced.
And one of the most important things of all just having someone put their arms around me and saying "I love you, I am here for you"
Just need to know if anyone else without family feels the same as me????
Thanks!
redwind30,

I was searching for a grief/loss forum and your post is what prompted me to join here.

My dear husband of 24 years passed away one month ago, and I am lost in the world. The physical absence of someone I loved so much is profound, the void of companionship I had grown so accustomed to is huge, it is an overwhelming sadness.

And like you, I have no family close by – in fact, we only have one grown daughter who is far, far away and has chosen to deal with this loss by closing off, which has caused a rift that I doubt will ever be mended. So I am left with no familial support or concern, and I too, worry almost obsessively about “what if” - illness, accident, who would take care of my pet, my home, the bills, etc. Who would take care of me and look out for my best interests as my advocate. Such thoughts are very frightening.

And I know just what you mean about having someone nearby to help out with maintenance issues . . . I can take care of simple around-the-house kinds of things, but when it comes to major repairs or auto stuff, my husband was the one who took care of all that. And then I worry, if there comes a time when I can no longer do even those simple things, what then?

You become so used to consulting with your husband about everyday things . . . should we do this or that? What do you think about this? Is this something we need? Even if it was something that didn’t really require a mutual decision, you just kind of automatically talked about it because that’s what you do when you’re part of a couple.

And I do understand what you mean about being an “onlooker” . . . I don’t feel I will ever be part of anything happy. I know there are millions of singles, divorced people, and widows and widowers, but it seems the world is geared to happy, festive couples and closely bonded families. When you’re no longer part of a couple, you truly do feel like a fifth wheel . . . fortunately, I have a few friends who are reaching out to me and they’ve been very nice, but they are couples who haven’t been through anything like this, so as well-intentioned as they are, they don’t really understand. One couple invited me to dinner and they are lovely people, but I was sitting in the backseat, feeling so alone, it was just weird - and I looked over to my side, thinking “my husband should be sitting there, we should be going to dinner with this couple together” – and at the restaurant, all I could think about was how I wanted to go home because it wasn’t right being there without him.

Somehow, I think he is going to come back home – he’s in the hospital or something, but he’ll be back soon - and then of course, it is a grippingly sad realization that no, he is not coming back, he really is gone from this world. I don’t know how to deal with this. The world is a very scary place these days . . . and when you’re alone, when you become a “widow” in your fifties, it takes on a whole new meaning. I am so afraid.

redwind30, I hope to hear back from you.

Last edited by sil11; 09-23-2010 at 07:47 PM.

 
Old 09-24-2010, 11:37 AM   #8
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Re: no family

Quote:
Originally Posted by redwind30 View Post
April 24 was the day my world ended. The day my precious husband passed away. I know all of us are dealing with the same issues. The lonliness, the fear, frustration and pain that seems like it will cut me in half. I am just wondering; for those of you who like myself don't have any family close by, do you think the pain is worse? I am constantly afraid that I will get sick (I am only 50, but as we all know so well being young is no protection) and I won't have anyone to take care of me. As a matter of fact, shortly after I lost him, one of my cousins said "if you get sick or you have to have surgery, you will probably end up in a nursing home until you get better". Now, I can't get that thought out of my head. Having surgery or being in the hospital and not having and advocate. Not having anyone to help me through it.
Even everyday life seems like it would be better if I had family close by; stupid stuff like "do I need an electrician or just a handyman" "should I take the dog to the vet or not" "do I really need all of that maintenance work done on my car".
Just being able to show up at somebody's house for supper unannounced.
And one of the most important things of all just having someone put their arms around me and saying "I love you, I am here for you"
Just need to know if anyone else without family feels the same as me????
Thanks!

Nothing worse than to be alone. Especially when there's no family, no close friends, and just making simple decisions that your husband would make is beyond you. It's literally terrifying to face the "what if's" because this life is so very unpredictable. I'm in my late 60's; disabled w/several illnesses, and any family in another country (estranged).

But, for me, the worse part is not having that person to give you those hugs and cuddling that is a huge part of the grieving, as touch is critical. This is the first time I've lived alone, but I'm too ill to have another move in, due to my illnesses.

After two years, I've figured out ways to fix certain things, but it's still a struggle. I can accept my illness more than the loss of someone to cuddle me, and tell me all is going to be fine.

Miracles can occur, but just going through the beginning of feeling totally lost & helpless is the hardest.

So sorry for your loss & suffering. Sending some cyberhugs to help you thru this huge challenge and hoping someone will "show up" to lift your burden.

 
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