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Death of the mom who abandoned me

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Old 09-20-2010, 02:44 AM   #1
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Arizona
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HiddenTears HB User
Unhappy Death of the mom who abandoned me

I guess I am here because my story is so complex that I don't know anyone who can relate. It had already been a rough year when I received a call...

Let me foreshadow I am one of six children that was abandoned by my mother, she left me and another sister me being just an one year old, and my sister three. After that she had two more children, on her third marriage had additional two more. When they were 6 and 7 she lost contact as well, at that point it was clear she had major issues and all of us were clear of that. Through the years she used all our credit and made an appearance every once in a while that were always very disturbing. Example, when I was maybe 8I went to visit her on an Easter, I had found waster candy and got into one piece of candy, my punishment was that she took the two gold fish she had gotten for us and made us watch while she fried them on a pan. Another moment maybe two years later she was angry that I wanted to go home at a BBQ and locked me out side, when I started to cry to go home she turned on the weed whacker and sliced the top of my foot open than poured bleach (to disinfect) over it asking me if I learned my lesson. So in my mind I associated her with evil and just would tell people my mom had died.
Obviously my mother had issues, but my coping was to leave her dead or didnít exist in my mind.

So back to the phone call, all the kids had reconnected to some level through the internet. The third child called me, I was at the gym, I hit ignore about three times, on the fourth call I knew something was wrong. I answered the phone and she was crying, she told me that our mom had died.
Her and I were the 'hardcore' two, the motivated, have everything under control. Two other kids are mentally ill, one in a group home and one, just like our mother. The other two are somewhat great because they were removed from all contact, but still have some cognitive decision making issues that probably are stemmed from all of this. I cried but felt just empty, due to the circumstances felt if I grabbed the bull by the horns that I would feel better. I made sure her ceremony was in a church, had to clean up paperwork to have her name corrected for burial, and I needed to make sure the eulogy did not state she was a mother because she abandoned each and every one of us and that was something that I felt would be disrespectful. Between all of us there is 8 grandchildren who never knew she even existed just to protect them. I wrote a beautiful I hope eulogy, that I hope inspired all of us as children to move on.
After identifying her body, I was angry I wanted to hit her but was afraid her frozen body would break my hand. It was almost like after I knew that everything was done properly I fell apart and became very that I am a mom and could never imagine leaving my children, ever. I feel overwhelmed that I cant get over this, she never took responsibility she never was there when I needed a mother. And now she can never change that or take it back. I have to see how much I love my babies and know that she was sick but not sick enough to use and destroy our credit and make our lives so much harder.
My heart is so broken, and so filled with confusion and pain. Resentment because all she had done one of my sisters is doing know to her children and that just hurts so badly! My father did the best they could and even though he enables that sister, I understand why, but I feel he resents me for not being like my mom because of the hurt she did on to him and that I am somewhat ok but his other daughter is not. I know that he carries a burden I don't know what I would do and just feel so alone and sad because I never did anything to be left on a street corner as a one year old.

I am searching for guidance suggestions, and any positive advice hop to get past this with no support system. SOS Please takes this pain away!

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Old 09-20-2010, 05:38 AM   #2
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Re: Death of the mom who abandoned me

I am so sorry for everything that you have gone through. And I respect and admire the inner strengh that you have as a person to go through all this and still turn out a wonderful mother (that Im sure you are). I can understand what you are going through (although my experience is nothing compared to the pain youve been through) I was abandoned by my father and he re-married and had another daughter and abandoned her as well. In 2000 when I was 16 we got a call saying he had died of a heart attack. Im ashamed to admit that initially you feel a sense of satisfaction, that the person who caused you so much pain is now gone, he has suffered his punishment so to speak. But then you go through the pain which is normal that your parent has passed away even if you didnt have a relationship with them, just the thought that they are the people that you get life from that you get your identity from. tHen comes the resentment that they have left this world and it leaves us with so many unanswered questions and this pain to deal with. Its like deja vu ,,,they have abandoned us once again. Every individual is different, the biggest and hardest thing i had to do is forgive him, which is what you have to do with your mother. Holding this resentment and hatred is only taking away moments in your life where you couldve been happy. Dont dwell on it, instead focus on your new family, you are a mother so give your evry best to ensure your kids have everything you always wanted and never had. His second daughter contacted me and at first I didnt want to meet her just wanted to forget everything, but she pushed and prodded and finally after meeting her we talked and I realised I was not alone, she was inocent just like me in this mess and we have developed our own realtionship, where we dont talk about how we are sisters but have just accepted that we are.

I wish you the best of everything, mostly inner peace, which will come with time it took me 10 years from 2000 and I have only found it now when Im 26.

Love and God bless

Old 09-20-2010, 09:01 AM   #3
Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: Arizona
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HiddenTears HB User
Re: Death of the mom who abandoned me

I know the anger is there, one of the siblings which is the one I am close to has turned out just like her and her kids are hurting so bad because of it.So it almost like it is being thrown in my face again. I never thought I would even care,but after becoming a mother and I had two kids I felt like maybe I would be able to understand or relate to her decision than.But I just got more angry,I had so much of a harder life and was a single mom and she had no excuse. That is when I did get angry,I have such pain thinking how much I love my kids and would do or die for them how could she just throw us away? I know she was sick, is she was so sick how could she use are credit and commit fraud for years?Same with the sister just like her,she lives like a hoarder and knows it because she hides it,which means her cognitive process realizes its wrong so I can't find excuse for her either. I do feel bad for her, but she has been so cruel tome through the years,it like if she resents me for not being like our mother.

I know I need to let go,I have started counseling but it just is so painful that I don't know how to process. I'm just tired of crying and feeling like the complexity of this is too much at times. I hate that my kids see me sad, that is usually what helps me get through my days but there has been times where I just smile at them and hide my crying in the shower.

Thank you for your kind words! Glad I am not the only one who has been through this!

Old 09-21-2010, 12:27 AM   #4
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fjeeva001 HB Userfjeeva001 HB Userfjeeva001 HB Userfjeeva001 HB User
Re: Death of the mom who abandoned me


It will get better I promise, sometimes you just have to go through the sadness and eventually it will become less and less. Its not your fault just remember that. And one thing Im sure of is that, your mom regrets it now where she is, because now she can see how she hurt you and she can see what she lost out on now and she is watching over you. I also always wondered if my dad thought about me, didnt he feel anything as he saw fathers and daughters together. I would always cry when my friends told me how their dads were protective over them and I never had that. The worst was I got married 3 months ago and you miss not having your dad walk you in. We didnt even put his name on the wedding invitation.You need to forgive your mom and release her. Talk to her, that sometimes helps..because now she will listen to you ..I promise, she can still hear you. I tried writing him a letter and telling him everything that I have felt over the years. It helped alot. It hurt all the more that for 16 years he lived 4 houses away from me but never made the effort to talk to me. When I went to his funeral, it felt like a stranger was lying there infront of me...I wanted hime to wake up so I could be angry at him. People kept on telling me hes still ur father forgive him etc...but I felt they just dont understand but 10 years later, I understand he was human and I know he probably regrets missing out on having a daughter to love him. He lost out ...I wish you the best..hang in there and let me know occasionally how you doing!

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