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Old 10-16-2010, 08:36 PM   #1
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Join Date: Oct 2010
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tryintobestrong HB User
loss

I actually joined this board for something else that I am going through, which is pretty hard. As I searched through other threads I found this one and I have been reading a lot of story's on here which have made me cry and also remember a lot of feeling's I have been through and felt with a loved one's passing. I figured since I have read so many of your story's I would also share mine.


In April 2000 I lost my grandpa. My grandpa was usually a bit hard on some people and could be a bit mean at times but you knew he loved you. I was grandpa's girl. He wasn't very affectionate before getting sick. He had leukemia and lost a leg from diabetes. Me and my mom were pretty much the only ones that took care of him. One time him and my mom got into a bit of an argument and she told my uncle (her brother) and his son to make sure they change his bandages on his leg cause she wouldn't be coming for a week or so cause of the argument. Well after a week she was a little worried, so we headed over there. When my mom went to change his bandages his leg was full of maggot's. They never attempted to change it. My mom sat there and picked out every single one. Well he ended up loosing that leg in the end. Me and her use to have trouble getting him down the stairs cause he had one leg and it was about 8 cement stairs we had to take him down. The neighbor would help if he saw us but other than than it was usually her and me or just her. One time she tried taking him down the stairs and they both fell and my grandpa hit his head and it was bleeding and my mom had so much guilt but she tried to do everything on her own. She had 4 brothers and one lived with him but they were never around to help. But I still remember her crying because she felt so bad. When my grandpa got real sick he started to tell me he loved me everytime he saw me and was more caring than ever. I remember he was sitting in his wheelchair in the kitchen and he asked me to hold his hand while he slept and before he fell asleep he said "I;m scared to die" than he just dosed off. I remember standing there forever not wanting to move or wake him. I knew while he was asleep he wasn't thinking about those things, so I just let him sleep. When he passed I heard my mom scream and I heard her telling her husband he is dead. I knew it was him and I just started crying in my room. I remember at the funeral so many people were laughing and talking and I kept wondering why is everyone so happy. I was hurting inside but I couldn't cry. I did most of that by myself. The one thing that bothered me the most from his passing was, I use to walk him to Mc Donalds in his wheelchair but I use to feel embarrassed because he had one leg but I would always do it if he asked. But I hate that I was ashamed of someone I loved so much. He was a bit of a bitter man at times but everyone knew he loved all of us and they always said I was his favorite. Years later, my mom told me that he said he could see me riding off with a black man on a motorcycle. I dont know why he said that but I did end up with a black man but no motorcycle, lol Thats what made my mom remember him saying that. After I lost him, I knew I couldn't bare to loose my Grandma but she was already sick and after he died she got sicker. My mom told me the DR. said she had 6 mths to live. Again me and my mom took care of her also. My grandma's dad was still alive, so my grandma wanted to go see him. My mom couldn't go so my stepfather said he will take her and I also went, cause she needed help with everything and I would massage her feet, hands, legs, etc cause of pour circulation and make sure she took all her meds on time. We went there for Thanksgiving and she saw her dad and her sisters. Visited her moms grave and other stuff of course. When we got home she got worse. She couldn't walk to the bathroom by herself, she was just weak. We could hardly get her to eat. I remember I cut an apple up for her and she was actually eating it and my moms like hurry up mom, we got to wash your hair. It came out so quick, but I told her to shut up she is actually eating. They both kind of laughed. Right before she died, she called me on the first day of Christmas break cause she wanted me to stay the night and clean before everyone came over for Christmas. I had already made plans with a friend to stay the night with her so I told her I will call my brother and have him come and do it and stay. Well the following day my mom came and picked me up and than we went to Grandma's to get my brother. Me and my brother were both trying to stay the night but mom said no. So we gave her a hug and kiss goodbye and went home. She died that night. Whats crazy is my brother told me how she got up and made him oatmeal like she use to do but hasn't in so long and that they ordered pizza and she actually ate. It was like she got better for one more day and than died. My uncle found her he stayed with her but she was already gone. The thing that I always wondered was that night my alarm clock just froze at 2 something in the morning. I cant remember the exact time cause at the time I didn't think nothing of it. But I wonder if that was the time she passed. Cause the alarm clock worked fine but why did it stop at that time and just stay there. My grandma died Dec. 22 2000 8 mths after my grandpa. The 23rd we were suppose to have our xmas party at her house cause alot of the other family was going to their in-laws for xmas eve and xmas day. My grandma felt so bad she had no gifts for nobody. She had 13 grandchildren, 5 kids, plus their wives and so on. But she would always get a gift for everyone. Apart of me always believed she died on the 22nd cause she didn't have gifts for everyone the following day. She loved Christmas. I remember I asked her if she was scared to die, she said no but probably only said that to make me feel better. She said she couldn't wait to be 70 but she didn't make it. She would have been 70 feb. 2.The one thing that made me feel a little better was after she died, my mom told me she had told her, she had a dream of her mother and she said she was waiting for her to come home. I hope that also gave her peace before she died. Im sorry if this such along post. Im 25 yrs old now and this happened when I was 15 but even 10 yrs. later I always think of them and how much my life would have been different if they were still here. I still remember their faces. Sometimes I think I could smell her (grandma). I know im definitely better than I was 10 yrs ago and it does get easier as time goes by. I myself thought I would never get over all the grief I felt. But now I just remember them and I know I always will for the rest of my life, till I meet with them again.




Thanks soo much for reading this and I hope it wasn't to long or to much in detail. I kind of just typed everything I was feeling or thinking. I don't think I'm grieving anynore, I think I'm just remembering!!!!!!!

 
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Old 10-28-2010, 07:49 AM   #2
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Join Date: Sep 2010
Location: australia
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Tristabella HB User
Re: loss

I too have lost a lot of dearly loved family members and a few friends also, and while their loss doesn't get easier you learn to live with the pain and loss of them being there. I try to think of the good times and that certain wacky or funny thing one of them did, or the little nicknames each had for me, I also count myself as very lucky having them in my life and know they are watching over me and that we'll meet one day again when the time is right. Thank you for sharing your story, I think it helps so much to write things out, it helps them become more clear in your mind and to remember the little things with fondness.

Bella

 
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