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Old 10-18-2010, 08:27 AM   #1
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october is a difficult month for me

It seems like the fall months approaching into the holiday season is the most difficult time of the year for me. October is breast cancer awareness month and I feel as though I have a love-hate relationship with this. I feel that the Susan G. Koman cause is excellent! Many people get involved in the cause and truly make strides to beat breast cancer. My best friend who was 28 years old died 5 yers ago from advanced breast cancer. My life has forever changed as a result of this. I was never one to get close to people, I was always more of a loner. I don't know how this happened. How we became such good friends. We were so similar and had so much in common. I was devastated when she died. I don't even like talking about her. That's aweful, I know. I can't bring myself for visiting her place of rest. I feel guilty for not going, but then I don;t want to go at the same time. Sounds crazy. It's times like these that I wish I could just call her on the phone or stop over her house and we could talk, watch tv, or just be. I miss that. I miss feeling whole and complete. I miss having a best friend. My feelings seem to intensify this month, especially with all the hype about breast cancer. I really hope that they do find a cure, but it sadens me to know that my best friend won't be around to see it. She didn;t deserve the pain and suffering that she underwent. I wanted her to get better so bad, but instead I just watched her wilt away. It was aweful and it devestated me. I guess in a lot of ways it still does. Anyway, I just wanted to share how I am feeling. It's easier to do behind a screen. Thanks for reading.

 
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Old 10-18-2010, 05:05 PM   #2
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Re: october is a difficult month for me

I'm so glad I found your message. My friend died 2 months ago. She had Her2 cancer (breast) and she was VERY into the fundraisers, walks, etc. I did alot of research on her disease and knew that she was not going to live. I got excited for her and her other friends when they "walked", but I refused to go. I wanted a CURE for her...if someone could have promised me that...I would have walked my tail off....I never told her why I wasn't walking, not the real truth...that I knew she was going to die soon...I told her that it angered me that they collect all this money and i have not witnessed significant cure rates. Since she has passed there have been a couple walks...and I don't go....I'm even struggling with a fundraiser they are having on her behalf...because I wanted to have one when she was alive to give HER and her adopted son the money to enjoy themselves while she was still alive. I'm angered by other people benefiting by this fundraiser...even thou it is her husband. Well, he has started dating already..and I don't want to put additional money in his pocket. He was faithful...this is my problem. So, I am not posting to give you ways to get out of your funk....because I am in the same funk and have also been in it for 5 years...I'm posting so that you know that you are not alone with your "anger" and love/hate relationship with the causes. Looking forward to posts that give you hope as I may draw from them also. Hugs.

Last edited by Misssty; 10-18-2010 at 05:06 PM. Reason: changed a spelling error/so mad can't type right!

 
Old 10-19-2010, 08:35 AM   #3
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Re: october is a difficult month for me

Kelly and I attended various Susan G. Komen fundraisers. She was an advocate for the cause and I tried to be as supportive as possible. When she had a recurrance, I too knew that she wasn't going to survive it again. That was the worst. I went to every chemo, every procedure, every surgery, every hospitalization. I didn't want to leave her and I didn't. The weekend before she died she asked me if she was dying and then told me that she didn;t want to leave me. Boy was that conversation rough!! I just feel consumed with anger, guilt, and sadness. I feel so disconnected from people. It angers me when I see people togrther that have been friends for years. I don't expect much from life. I just can't help but think that I didn;t deserve her and am now suffering as a result. Sounds wierd, but that is how I feel.

 
Old 10-19-2010, 05:34 PM   #4
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Re: october is a difficult month for me

yes, I use the term empty. And my friend was empty at the end too.
She was conscious the first week (of the last 2 weeks) she was in the hospital. I also went everyday. The 2nd week they were just waiting for her body to give up and she was unconscious....I was so ANGRY and I feel much as you do when I see friends together. I can never replace her. But, we must somehow heal because this is a very sad way to live...to be depressed and longing for someone we will never see again. I have been trying to figure out the WHYS. My son mentioned to me tonight that maybe she was one of Gods fallen angels and that she was put here to adopt "her boy" from Russia to save him from whatever terrible life he may have been in for and after she saved him (fullfilled her purpose here)...God wanted her back. That softened me a little and helped for about 5 minutes! I feel for you and I certainly can identify.

 
Old 10-20-2010, 04:57 AM   #5
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Re: october is a difficult month for me

It's interesting that you say that - about the WHYS. I have been taught and have come to realize that change begins when you turn the whys into whats. An example being - why did this happen, what can I do about it now. It makes sense and I agree with it. It gives you more control and I think that when we have some control, it can also help with the healing process. It's wierd. I think that I am just afraid. I have been feeling badly for the past 5 years that I think that I am afraid to get close and allow another to really get to know me. I was a loner prior to meeting Kelly and then it changed. I get to used to the change and then when she passed, things just fell on me. I just feel like an outcast. I'm sure most of that is my perception. I am just very hesitant to get close. It scares me. I never used to be afraid of things and could always handle things that came up and now for the first time in my life I feel hesitant and unsure of myself. This is a different feeling for me, one that is definately not familiar. I guess that explains some of my disconnect from other people. It's been really nice talking with you. For the first time, it really seems like someone else understands. It's interesting, that are stories are so similiar.

 
Old 10-20-2010, 01:25 PM   #6
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Re: october is a difficult month for me

I felt the same way when I read your post...I didn't know why I was feeling disconnected...I didn't realize that Christines death made me feel like WHY BOTHER.
But, it did...I have one other friend....and I don't worry about her dying...she's younger than me....I smoke alot and she is always reminding me of cancer..she just quit...so I have distanced myself from her lately.
Anyway, you did need time to heal...and we all heal in our own time....I just hope that we both do heal...because life is too short to shut ourselves out of it...we don't want to die old and LONELY. Or do we care? LOL

 
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