Originally Posted by MissDK
I'm hoping someone can relate to me or help me try to feel better about my situation. I never post on boards but I was reading some posts on here tonight and felt compelled to post. Sorry if this is long.
I lost my mother when I was 16, and it was horrible. I only had my father and he was always out of town for work and I was very lonely and extemely depressed and suicidal. I had horrible panic attacks one was so bad I had to go to the hospital and my heart rate was so high I couldnt breathe and they came over with the crash cart and injected me with something to bring my heart rate down. Ever since I have been so afraid of having a panic attack that bad as I still get them but not to that extreme. I tried therapy but it didnt work for me. I hate talking about my feelings to consulers because they dont give you advise they just listen. If I talk to my friends or boyfriend they seem uncomfotable seeing me so upset about it and dont really know what to say.
Luckily I met my boyfriend and he helped me keep my mind of off things and I was able to start to be normal again after 2 years. My father was diagnosed with cancer last year and died within 3 months of finding out. The worst thing was I stayed at the hospital all the time with him and some friends made me leave to go home to shower and eat and while I was gone he passed. I am so upset about this and I know not to dwell on it because its not going to change anything but I cant help it.
I have no family (my moms side was very small and live on the east coast, I am west coast) and barely talk to me. My fathers family lives in another country. I have no siblings and I feel so alone. No one will ever see me have kids or get married or see me grow up. I have no one to go to for advice (parents always know best). My boyfriends family is very good to me but its not the same. I hate when people who dont know my personal life ask me if I'm going to my parents for Christmas or ask about my parents because I dont want to bring it up. They always ask so many questions and give me a horrible look when I tell them.
My boyfriend wants to get married and have a wedding and I just want to sign the papers and we argue about it all the time. I dont want to have a wedding with no one on my side! How horrible to walk down the isle by yourself?? He says its not fair to not have his family there which is true but I feel like I have no strength to do this.
I feel so sad and I dont know anyone my age who has gone through anything remotely similar. Please if someone is out there with advise or words experiences I would appreciate it so much. The holidays always make me so sad and I dont know what to do anymore. I have no faith in anything. Its awful.
Thank you for reading...
It goes without saying that I am so very sorry for what you've gone through. I am an only child with no family (other than an uncle - mom's brother - who lives in another state). I lost my parents when I was 34 (2007, mom) and then at 36 (2010, dad). I was EXTREMELY close with both parents - they were my parents, my best friends, my support system, my sounding board, my champions... They were my life. To lose them both (to cancer) so quickly and so close together... It's taken a lot of self-pep talks to pull myself out of bed every morning and go about my life. I do have a daughter who keeps me going, as well as her father who was weathered many a storm with me as I completely lose and then get it back dealing with the changes and grief.
I feel like I'm really caught in a horrible snafu because I get invitations to people's gatherings (for holidays mostly) and although I appreciate the offer, I'm still an "outsider" in someone else's family/life/traditions and I feel sad and jealous. I too cringe when people ask about my parents/family. I talk about it as little as possible because I simply cannot go there...
The same could be said for a wedding, so I understand completely what you are going thru. Your boyfriend can't even comprehend your pain as he has no frame of reference what it's like to be so "alone." I would hope that he could find a way to be sensitive to your great losses and agree to a small, intimate wedding or something, or change the rules where he walks down the aisle with you to your new life together... Break the traditions and rules to make it more intimate/comfortable for you.
I look forward to going back and reading other replies...I jumped to respond as soon as I read your post and am sure you've gotten a lot of kind words and shared examples.