Ok, I donít really know why I am talking about this here Ė hoping it will help sort me out probably. As Iím not good at taking emotions maybe writing will work. I donít even know why I want to do that, I donít know anything at the moment....
A few days ago one of my closest friends rang me up to tell me that her father had suddenly died. The circumstances were pretty horrific, especially for her, and my mind just went blank and I think I was pretty useless for the rest of the conversation. She had actually rung more to tell me I might not be able to stay with her family later in the month (I was going to because her house is a lot closer to my placement than mine). So typical of her Ė her dad dies and a day or so later she is apologising for a very minor inconvenience to me!
I am just... there is no way I can explain how I feel. Grieving for a wonderful man I barely knew. Grieving for what she and her family have lost and what they have to go through. Pain. Numbness. An insanely overprotective desire to fix everything even though logically I know there is nothing I can do. Feeling a bit stupid for being so affected by the death of someone I didnít know well, but knowing really that although some of it is for her father, most is for her and the pain she must be going through. Not being able to explain that difference well. Irrational hurt that I am not the one she turns to, followed by guilt and being honestly grateful and glad that she has so many people to support her. Guilty for being so terrible on the phone Ė thinking back she sounded like she might have wanted to talk, but I suck at emotional stuff (especially if its thrown at me out of the blue) and am never good on phones anyway. Overall, I am just incredibly messed up. And feel bad for me being messed up when it is her family going through hell, not me. And now feeling bad for writing a load of muck about how this is affecting me when really my thoughts and feelings are centred around her. It feels disloyal in a way, as though I am trivialising her pain. I just canít say any of this to people, because that would in some way make it look like I care more about how I feel than her and her family. I donít, and hopefully getting this all out will stop some of my negativeness. I tend to be a very empathetic person, I just dont know if feeling all this is normal.
Realistically I know there is nothing I or anyone else can do at the moment to help her. But thats doesnít stop me thinking there should be. I tend to be a practical person, and instinctively look for ways of fixing things or trying to help or improve matters. And like most people I truly hate it when those I love are hurting. I donít know what to do...
I live about an hour away, and managed to go and see her for a bit yesterday. They live in a very close community and have been having loads of visitors which I think they are all very touched by, but understandably they are still in shock. The funeral is in a couple of days. I dont know whether to go or not. I only met her father a couple of times but am very close to her, and would probably be the only one of her friends from uni who could make it. I mentioned coming to her when we were discussing funeral arrangements and she only to come if I want to, she doesnt want me to feel awkward. Which I probably would, as I wouldnt know anyone there, dont speak the language it will be held in much and dont know the area so driving (which I hate anyway) would add to emotional anxieties for me. But worrying about things like that when she and her family are going through so much seems wrong... I dont know if she would like it if i went, she was pleased that i made it up to see her yesterday. And even though at the funeral she will be busy and distressed and stuff, maybe in the future sometime she would like to know that I wwas there? As someone who knew her dad through her, cared because of her and cared enough to come? I dont know, dont think this even makes sense... sorry.
Sorry this is such a black hole of messed up feelings. Any advice would be very much welcome
The following user gives a hug of support to BlueSeren: iknowpain1952 (01-28-2011)
I don't know if I can say much here- but I thought that everything you said made sense, and was pretty real, too.
I have had a couple of experiences this year- my Cat died and my Great aunt, and now my old boss. Each time, I got totally thrown for a loop, thrown into the deep end. Right now, today- I am so sad, I can't even talk.
Shortly after my cat died, I realized that I couldn't talk about it to anyone I knew. It got really complicated and I didn't have the words to express how deep and hard to untangle the feelings were. People thought I had a reason to be sad, but not as sad as I was. I guess maybe six months later, I made the connection that I never really had a chance to grieve my grandparents deaths. My family does not really talk about emotions, and I was in high school trying to get really high grades, and the whole attitude was that bad feelings just slow you down...
So I never felt any of it. That wa a long time ago.
I think when my kitty died, it just kinda popped the cork.
It has been about 8 months, and I feel conflicted all the time- a lot like you said. But don't question yourself. Whatever your feelings are -they make sense. Just go with it.
Keep writing, even just to yourself. Or to your friend.
Maybe you are just learning what it is like to grieve.
I felt totally clueless, I ended up reading a lot of books. That helped.
Anyway, best wishes to you and thanks for putting how you feel out there. You sound really down to earth and I'm sure you will find your way through....