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Grief & Loss Message Board
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Old 02-05-2011, 11:46 AM   #1
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Feeling So Much Guilt

My grandmother passed 2 years ago from lung cancer. She was an amazing woman, no one can replace her & she knew it. She knew we'd miss her when she's gone. She lived with my parents & I ever since I was born & we were very close. I thought i was handling her death well but have been crying every single day & night for the past couple months, cant stop reliving what happened during the 2 year battle with cancer. I'm having huge insomnia. The What IF's are KILLING me, I was soo unprepared for the end, I had no idea it was coming. 1) 6 months after her diagnosis I picked up a full time job because of financial situation involving my brother that was destroying the whole family. HOW could I have left her in the house all alone like that !!!??? I knew she hated being alone. 2) I've always been afraid of driving & didnt get my license til few months before her death & then put off getting a car, talk about self-centered! I could have taken her places when she started to feel weak, Didnt realize that til now! 3) Two weeks before her death, she was having stomach pain & i thought it was JUST stomah pain but we found out later the cancer had spread all over. I'M SOOO MAADDD AT MYSELF. If i had done my research I would have recognized that this pain was different, THAT THIS MEANT THE END but at that time I couldnt even look at the word cancer, everythig was so terrifying. 4) AND when she was in the hosp. she told me she was dying but I didnt believe her! she wanted me to stay overnight with her & I told it would be ok, i LOVE YOU & that I'd see her tomorrow. I CAN'T BELIEVE I DID THAT, I really thought she was gonna be ok, she'd been in the hospital before, didnt think this was any different. I LOVED HER SO MUCH, I talked about her all the time, everyone at work knew who she was even though they'd never met her. SHE WAS MY BETTER HALF. From that 1st appointment she was diagnosed I went to every single appointment, every test, & most of her chemo sessions, My mom told me she didnt want anyone else there but me so I gladly went everytime. I tried so hard to keep her spirits up & when it wouldnt work I'd feel so angry & so sad & try to hide it but dont know if I did a good job. I LOVED WHEN SHE'D SMILE AT ME, LAUGHED, I LOVED IT SO MUCH and when she didnt do that the LAST two weeks, i feel so GUILTY FOR NOT GETTING IT THEN, I called every single day from work & she knew she could reach me anytime but I FEEL SO GUILT FOR BEING AT WORK & NOT PAYING ATTENTION TO THE SIGNS, COULD I EVEN CONSIDER MYSELF A CAREGIVER? The only thing I think I did right was being with her at the end when I FINALLY REALIZED SHE WAS DYING. I stayed & slept in the hosp, her private room for the last 3 days with family, SHE SMILED A LOT THOSE LAST FEW DAYS, EVEN THROUGH PAIN. It was just me & her the last day becuase everyone else had to be back to their lives. By then she was in a coma & I told her I loved her & held her hand, DO YOU THINK SHE HEARD ME, FELT ME HODLING HER HAND THROUGH THE COMA, DID SHE KNOW I WAS THERE & STAYED WITH HER? I had told her numerous times throughout her life I loved her before I so know she already knew. I JUST WANT TO KNOW IF I DID ENOUGH, IF ANYONE ELSE HAD MISSED THE SIGNS FOR END OF LIFE, MISSED THE OPPURTUNITY TO BE AROUND 24/7, MISSED THE OPPORTUNITY to HAVE HOSPICE BECAUSE IT WAS TOO LATE. I DO REMEMBER THE GOOD TIMES, When we went out & did stuff, sat & talked on the porch, when I made her smile, but I DONT know HOW TO GET THROUGH THESE MISTAKES , I DESPARATELY WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN & TELL HER I'M SORRY FOR BEING A SELFISH IDIOT. ANY ADVICE?, ANYONE HAVE REGRETS/SIMILIAR SITUATION, COULD I HAVE BEEN CONSIDERED A CAREGIVER? I'M SO MAD AT MYSELF. I'm so sorry this post is so long

Judy

 
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