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Winterbreeze · 02-09-2011, 11:30 AM

Today is a very difficult day for me. Today is my mother's birthday. She died in December of 2010 so this is her first birthday without her. M mom was a single parents so growing up she is really all I have ever had. My dad has never really been part of my life. He is like Haley's Comet...he comes around every couple of years and then just appears just as fast. Prior to my mother's death I had not spoken with my father since the night of my high school graduation in 2003. He called me a week or so after my mother died. He called once or twice after that and I haven't heard from him since. I've always had this fear of being completely alone. My grandmother died a few years ago and at the time I knew that if anything ever happened to my mother I would be alone in this world. And right now I feel so very alone.

My uncle and grandfather are the only relatives that are close in proximity. In fact on my mother's side of the family they are the oldest relatives in my family that are older than me with the exception of some extended relatives (my grandmother's sister and nieces and nephews). My other uncles and aunt have already died. The rest of my family is now made up of younger cousins. My grandfather isn't good at emotional things so I can't really talk to him about anything.

My uncle is the real problem. He keeps saying that I am not alone but then he steals from me, lies to me, manipulates me. And I continue to allow this to happen because more than anything I want someone to be there for me. And then he looks at me with pitiful eyes and says how sorry he is for the last thing he has done. That is the last thing I need when some days I have to search for the strength to get out of bed. I miss my mother so much. We never had much but she went out of her way to make sure I had everything in this world. Even on her deathbed she was concerned more about me than herself. The day she died I couldn't even go to the hospital because my uncle needed money to fix the car so that we could go to the hospital. I gave him the last money I had. And he didn't fix the car and my mother died that night alone in the hospital. And I feel guilty. I feel guilty about so many things concerning my mother. I went to see her everyday when she got sick. I was there everyday but only for 4 or 5 hours at a time.

My cousins and I are like a family of orphans. Our parents are all gone. Our aunts and uncles are all gone. Our grandmother, who held the family together, is gone. And I don't know what to do next. I don't know how to stop crying long enough to make sense of anything. I am 25 and working on my master's degree but I feel so sad I hate going to class because I feel like I will start crying in the middle of it all. My mother was my best friend and I always knew that I would be okay if she was around. I don't know that anymore. I don't know that I am okay. And I pray a lot and my faith is strong but it still hurts. It hurts being alone in the world. Knowing that no one out there loves me unconditionally. And maybe I should just be grateful that I had that love for the time that I did. But I am 25 years old. I'm not ready to be an orphan. You think about losing your parents when you are in your 50s or 60s. Not at 25 years old when your life is just beginning.

Ivorygirl · 02-09-2011, 01:48 PM

Hi Winterbreeze ~ I just wanted to send you some ((((HUGS)))) and let you know that I do understand some of your pain.

I am in my 50's and my mom was my best friend too. And I lost her 10 months ago and I still miss her so very much.

I can't even imagine how it must feel at 25 to have lost your mom.....I wish it didn't have to be that way for you.

I lost my youngest brother only 9 months before losing my mom so I feel as if half my family is gone and it is so hard sometimes to go on without them.

There is a void and a sadness in not having them here where I would like them to be.

I think what has helped me the most is the wonderful memories we made together. Those are still with us even though our loved ones no longer are and they are what I hold onto and KNOW will sustain me until I am with them again.

I also find that doing something special in their honor helps me through.....I made a special garden in honor of my mom and when I go sit near it I feel her near and as the flowers and plants grow I feel her still living on in a different way.

Like you, I have a strong faith and that really gets me through the difficult days when I am missing them the most.

My mom's birthday is coming up too....it will be the first one I won't have with her but I am going to do something to celebrate it in a special way.

I am thinking of buying a balloon with "Happy Birthday" on it and writing a short note and releasing it into the sky in honor of her day. I will also put a special one in her garden to show I am remembering her.

Your mom only passed on a few months ago.....it is still new and the reality of her no longer being here in the physical sense is so painful.

Give yourself permission to grieve and be gentle with yourself while you do so.

I know that my mom would want me to take care of myself and not be sad for too long so I try, as hard as it is at times, to go on doing the things I KNOW she would want me to do to be happy in life.

I am sorry that your dad isn't a part of your life like he should be and that you really don't have many family members to turn to for support.

You say that you have cousins who have lost family too so perhaps you can reach out to them and try to find comfort just in knowing that there are others who understand.

They may not be in close proximity but there is thge internet and cell phones that make it so much easier to stay in touch with those who live far away.

Your Uncle doesn't seem like the best support for you right now even though he is the only one close by. I would advise you find better support for yourself than that.

I would encourage you to go to your church to see if there is a support group for those who have lost a loved one.

Only others who are grieving, like you, will understand your pain and I have found, that like anything in life, nobody truly understands other than somebody else who is walking in the same pair of shoes.

Take one day at a time.....you HAVE lost a significant part of your life....a mom is like a lifeline to us and when we lose her we feel like we are drowning. We will always miss them but we can learn to go on and honor them by doing what they always wanted for us and that is to find happiness in our lives.

Also....your mom is still very much near.....talk to her and know that she still listens. You may not hear her in the way you are use to but there will be new ways of seeing her presence in your life if you open your heart to it.

I have found this to be with both my brother and my mom in a way that only I could understand and KNOW was coming from them.

You will miss your mom always but it will get better with time. You will, with your faith and openness to that faith, find a way to go on without her, knowing that she is still a BIG part of your life in all that she left you in her loving words and deeds.

And you will smile and even laugh outloud at some of those memories that come your way to help carry you through the times you are missing her so.

I wish I could help you more but hope that somehow my words help lessen your pain.

I am sending lots of (((HUGS))) your way and hope that you won't hesitate to come here if you need to talk or share. I will try my best to help lessen your pain.

Love ~ Ivory

jennybyc · 02-09-2011, 03:12 PM

Winterbreeze, if you are in school, you should have a counseling center....use it. Get some help for yourself and if you can, find a group for those who are grieving so you can do so.

You aren't alone but you do feel that way. Maybe you can help to bring your father back into your life.

I lost my mother at 21 and my father died 3 days after my 26th birthday. Grandparents were gone by the time I was 13 and we moved to another country when I was 8 so no aunts or uncles around...or cousins.

So I got help from my church(pastoral counselor). Really helped me.

I urge you to get some counseling so you get past this.

gentle hugs..........Jenny(now 59)

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