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Old 02-15-2011, 01:38 PM   #1
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Question Ex's wife died and not sure how I feel

I was involved with a man 10 years ago. The relationship was troubled and was on again off again deal for a year. I was upset and confused and turned to a married female friend for advice and help dealing with this confusing man. To make a long story short, she left her husband ( who was a scumbag so I don't blame her for that) and started a relationship with my bf and kept it from me for several months.
It was a terrible time for me and I went to see a counselor about the anxiety and hurt and sense of loss I was feeling. She recommended that I move on with my life, that this man was a toxic relationship for me. So I chocked it up to a bad life experience, I lost a friend and tried to get past the sense of betrayal and anger I had for her ( it took a while). A few years after this, I made the mistake of thinking I could be friends again with the BF, but as soap opera's go we ended having a brief affair which I ended, when I realized he was not going to leave her and come back to me. ( yes I know I was kidding myself) Every year or so he calls me to ask how I'm doing and do I want to go for coffee. I always say " I am doing fine, No thanks I am too busy for coffee." I don't think its good for me to see this man even casually.
>>Fast forward 5 years.
He called and left a message a few months ago to tell me that his wife ( they apparently got married) was seriously ill and he just thought I should know.
I did not return the call, since I didn't think it would be a good idea to get involved in his life since I am no part of it now. Well yesterday she passed away ( I discovered this from a facebook post from a mutual friend.
Now I don't know what I a feeling, shocked I suppose since it was so fast.
I don't feel sad that she is gone or happy either, even though for a time I thought some very hateful things about her.
I maybe feel vaguely guilty that I should have called and made peace with her and comforted him (!? am I nuts?). But then I shake myself and remember that the 2 of them caused me a great deal of anguish and I don't really owe them anything. Am I a coward for not wanting to dredge up the past with them now that I have recovered? Should I have called him back am I being immature? She never tried to contact me in 8 years to apologize or explain, so all this is coming from his end. I assumed they were living happily ever after and I was trying to find my own happily ever after with a new man. I feel little like he's trying to draw me back into his messed up life and its stirring up old hurts. Why does this man not leave me be? Does anyone else feel its inappropriate for him to contact me or is it common for ex's to keep in touch?
Thanks for any comments or thoughts

 
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Old 02-15-2011, 01:57 PM   #2
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Re: Ex's wife died and not sure how I feel

let it go....the past is the past, and there is no good reason to go there now.....leave it alone.

 
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Old 02-15-2011, 08:26 PM   #3
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Re: Ex's wife died and not sure how I feel

Perhaps since she was dying and you were once close friends he thought you might like to know. Or perhaps she asked him to. Either way. just say a prayer for her soul and go on with your life.

 
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Old 02-15-2011, 09:12 PM   #4
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Re: Ex's wife died and not sure how I feel

Yes I am leaving it alone. It all took me by surprise this blast from the past.Thanks for replying

 
Old 02-15-2011, 09:18 PM   #5
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Re: Ex's wife died and not sure how I feel

I'd say "Consider it closure", but it sounds as if you put the matter behind you years ago.
They mistreated you.
There's no reason for you now to feel guilty.
Best wishes.

 
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Old 02-16-2011, 01:14 PM   #6
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Re: Ex's wife died and not sure how I feel

I guess part of the reason for the bit of guilt I felt was because I had spent some time years ago wishing pain and grief on her for what she did to me. The thought " well, karma's a *****" popped in my head when I heard she was ill and I feel ashamed because while she was a horrible backstabbing "friend" , she was not in fact a bad person otherwise. My thoughts didn't cause her to get cancer and and as the saying goes, I wouldn't wish that diagnosis on my worst enemy. Rest in peace M.

 
Old 02-17-2011, 09:20 PM   #7
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Re: Ex's wife died and not sure how I feel

No need for you to feel guilty as you did nothing wrong. Of course you may have thought or said some bad things but that is only human. In my opinion, they both hurt you and now that he is alone may try to contact you again, but I'd let it be. No need to relive the past and lousy memories.

Best of luck and wishes....JJ....
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