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WoodsWalker · 03-11-2011, 08:14 AM

It's 6 weeks shy of a year since my Mother passed. Yet I still have so many moments of grief and sadness. Today is a particularly bad day and I don't really know why. I sit here typing and crying which happens more often than I'd like to admit.

We were very close and the void I feel is so hard to describe, but I'm going to guess many of you understand it. I hope the next year gets a little easier.

Ivorygirl · 03-11-2011, 07:27 PM

Hi there.....I understand the pain and the void having lost my dear mom almost a year ago.

It will be a year in about two weeks and it seems like yesterday to me.

Just today I went to pick up the phone to call her, something I did almost daily and still want to do.

I have heard the first year is the hardest experiencing the firsts without her but I don't see the second, third or even the tenth year being any easier.

I have a feeling that you will understand and I think that our knowing that we're not alone in feeling this way is somewhat of a comfort.

We are entitled to grieve at our own pace and need to give ourselves permission to do so.

Glad I am not alone here.....I miss my mom and I know that you miss your's too.

((((HUGS))))) ~ Ivory

Pattycat36 · 03-11-2011, 11:36 PM

Hello. Im new here.Its been almost 5 months since I lost my wonderful mother suddenly. Not a day goes by that I dont think about her and miss her with all my heart. I know the intense pain and heartache you all feel. An older woman I work with just today asked me how I was doing. I told her I was just trying to get through another day. She said its been 17 years for her and it doesnt get any easier. I really believe that. We will always miss our moms like no other person in our life except maybe our children. Im sending hugs to all of you without your mom today.

Ivorygirl · 03-12-2011, 11:07 AM

Hi Pattycat ~ I am sorry that you too have to feel this void and pain.

I know that whenever people talk about what they are doing with their moms and having had a convo with them by phone I am so envious of that.

I know I shouldn't be but just knowing that others still have their moms around just reminds me all the more how much I would love to still have my mom around.

I am sure that you and others who have lost their moms feel the same way too.

I read something the other day on my blog which describes how I feel. It says....

"...loss always hovers at the edge of my awareness like next month's bills. I've carried the remote ache of longing with me long enough to understand it's part of who I am now...This is part of my identity that I can never change... Our lives are shaped as much by those who leave us as they are by those who stay. Loss is our legacy. Insight is our gift. Memory is our guide. ~ Hope Edelman (Motherless Daughters)"

I can only send you hugs and understanding hoping that it helps some.

Love ~ Ivory

WoodsWalker · 03-12-2011, 11:12 AM

It's nice in a way to know I'm not the only one that feels this way. And that it's mostly a normal way to be feeling.

Ivorygirl that is a beautiful quote, thankyou.

Pattycat36 · 03-12-2011, 08:03 PM

Oh Ivorygirl I so understand where your coming from. I get so envious when I see adult daughters with their mothers.I know I shouldnt feel this way but I cant help it. Almost all my friends still have their moms. I feel such pain when I hear them talk about their moms. A few girls I work with have also lost their moms and I strangely have become friends with them. One girl is much younger than me at 27 and lost her mom 3 years ago. We often start talking about our moms at work and we both end up crying. Its comforting in a way but also heartbreaking. I seem to have pulled away from those friends that still have their moms.It feel like I cant relate with them anymore. So sorry,Im rambling! I feel the pain you all do and it sucks.

Ivorygirl · 03-13-2011, 11:08 AM

Glad to have found others who are feeling the great loss that I am experiencing.

There is something so comforting when there are others who understand having experienced a similar loss.

Thing is, for me when my mom had disclosed that they had found her liver enlarged and were pretty certain that she had some type of cancer it came just months after losing my little brother.

I felt as if the wind was literally knocked out of me.....my husband and I had decided to have a taste of snowbirding since both our girls were in college and try to take a respite from the loss of his dad and my brother within months of one another.

We felt as if we were just catching our breath when mom called with her news.

And it was back into the familiarity of gathering up the strength to go through yet another round of trying to get through another great loss in our lives.

At least with my brother we had 3 years to make that journey, with my mom it was only 3 months!!

I felt as if I barely had grieved the loss of my brother and here I was losing not only my mom but my very best friend.

Anyway....one blessing was that we had the time to say our goodbyes and to prepare ourselves but still it wasn't nearly enough time for me.

Patty, I do feel so bad that your loss was sudden with no preparation or time to do or say what you needed to. That must have been so difficult.

I try to see the good things and I think that the thing that helps me through the difficult moments are all the wonderful memories made throughout the years.

I am also one who is open to signs and have what I would refer to as a strong faith.

And with that faith I have been able to receive the gift of being able to see my brother's and mom's presence reaching out to me in a way that I couldn't dismiss. And for that I am quite thankful.

The latest came after I had laid in bed at night talking to my mom telling her how much I missed her and how I was fearful that I would lose sight of her and her presence in my life.

The very next day I was flipping through the guide on TV and saw that there was an Oprah show with Celine Dion as her guest introducing her new "miracle twins".

I had somewhat boycotted Oprah over the past few years but LOVED Celine Dion and recalled seeing her on Oprah when she was first moving up towards fame. And I couldn't help but be pulled to watch this episode of meeting her new babies and catching up with her life.

A few years ago, I was fortunate enough to have seen Celine live in Las Vegas when I took a trip there with my parents and my little brother and his wife.

So I tuned into the show and marveled at Celine and her beautiful babies....I couldn't help but think about the trip to Las Vegas along with the quiet moments spent with my mom towards the end watching her favorite show "A Baby Story" and how much she enjoyed seeing babies born.

But the true gift came when towards the end of Oprah, Celine sang for the first time a new song on her latest CD called "Lullaby ~ Goodnight My Angel".

And as I listened to the song it was as if my mom's voice were coming through with the answer to my prayer from the previous night.

And as the following words echoed in the room the tears trickled down my face and it felt as if I were cradled in my mother's arms once again as I took in the words.....

Goodnight my angel.

Time to close your eyes.

And save these questions for another day.

I think I know what you've been asking me.

I think you know what I've been trying to say.

I promise I would never leave you.

And you should always know,

I never will be far away.

Goodnight my angel,

Now it's time to dream.

And dream how wonderful your life will be.

Some day a child may cry and if you sing this lullaby.

Then in your heart there will always be a part of me.

I went to sleep that night and for the first time felt the peace of knowing that my mom would always be near me, not in the way that I wanted her to be, but in the way that she could be. And I couldn't help but feel like a baby once again cradled in the comfort of my mother's arms.

If you get a chance to look up the video of Celine singing that song I am sure that you too will feel the comfort that the words bring to the heart.

Love & (((HUGS))) ~ Ivory

MayBL8er · 03-14-2011, 08:27 PM

You will have easier times, but it never goes completely away. I lost my child and it has been 22 1/2 years and I still have moments where I completely fall apart. They call it a "new normal". Talk about it, seek support, and do something in memory of your mom .... you will feel better. Unfortunately it is far too often found that our friends only want to hear about it for a limited time and then they are ready to move on and forget it ..... we aren't able to forget it.

Pattycat36 · 03-14-2011, 10:13 PM

May, you are so right about how friends want to move on and forget it. Most of my so called friends arent really here for me anymore. I guess they think I should be over it. Just celebrated my daughters 18th birthday today. Her and I had a hard cry today cause her grandma wasnt here to celebrate it. Also,2 months after my mom died,my kids lost their other grandma so its been tough around here.
Ivorygirl,your words make me cry. You are a wonderful speaker.You sound so strong and true. I hope I can be helpful to others like you someday. God bless all of you here.

Ivorygirl · 03-16-2011, 07:59 PM

Hi May.....so sorry to hear about your loss and understand how even after years it can still be felt. How sad that others don't understand that loss unless they have been through it themselves. Glad that we can be here for you.

Thanks, Patty, for your sweet words.

I don't know how I got the strength to have endured what I have, two significant losses in such a short time. I guess it was what my mom and brother taught me, that to best honor them I must do like they did and celebrate every moment that comes my way.....I mean in both cases I had to celebrate sadness along with joy.

My brother passed away just days before my youngest daughter's prom and HS graduation and my mom passed away just weeks before my older daughter's college graduation....it would have been her first grandchild's graduation from college and she so wanted to be there.

Anyway....today I am preparing to go to be with my dad.....it will be a year since my mom's passing on the 23rd and there is a memorial mass in honor of her this Sunday.

So I am going to make a trip to be with dad.....my brother will go to be with him next weekend since there is another memorial mass for her then as well.

This way we will sandwich the 23rd and be there for one another.

My mom's ashes are in a special box on my dad's coffee table and it will be good to visit with her.

When her time was drawing near she asked me if I wanted some of her ashes in a special memorial necklace, that it was a little costly but since she only had one daughter she would make arrangements. I chose not to do so because I knew that she didn't want to offend anybody.

But now I actually wish that I did have some of her ashes to have with me.

I am out of state and at least I could bring her places with me.....I guess it's silly but perhaps I will discuss that with my dad at a better time.

I really do miss her and was watching a Joan Rivers episode when she had her friend's ashes and promised to sprinkle them all over special places he LOVED after he was gone.

I thought it would be nice to have some of mom in a special small sealed container to bring along with me....here and there.

But I know that isn't necessary but I still feel a need to have a physical part of her and now that a year has passed am sorry that I didn't think about that at the time.

A year ago I was so numb and unable to think of what I wanted or needed.....I just wanted my mom to be with me and couldn't believe she was gone.

I wanted to make this weekend special for my dad in someway and for us.

I am bringing along a game to play with my dad and his favorite gumdrops. And I am making up a loaf of mom's banana bread to share with him too.

I also found a person on e bay who makes up memorial dog tags.

It was a last minute thing and I wanted to have something to commemorate mom and my brother as well.

So I made up a cover tag with a Monarch Butterfly on it with an inscription that says "Forever In My Heart". Behind that one will be one with a picture of my mom and on the back of the tag an inscription with her full name and then a personal note such as "Loving Mom & Friend" followed by her date of birth and death.

And I made one up for my brother too with the same idea so that we will have something to wear or hang on our rearview mirrors or wherever we want.

I made enough up for my family, my two brother's families, my Aunt and cousin and my dad too.

I will give my brother who passed away's family theirs on his 2nd Anniversary which falls on Father's Day this year......he had 6 children and I know that they will be really missing him this year and wanted to have something special for them.

As strong as I am, as I write this my eyes are filling with tears.

I miss them so much, half my nuclear family is gone and the void is just so unbelievable at times.

WoodsWalker.....I hope that you are still peeking in and know that we understand and that you are not alone.

Love and ((((HUGS)))) to all whose hearts are aching ~ Ivory

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