My mom died on Monday, March 14th, 2011...I still can't believe it. I feel kind of numb, and like I am going through the motions of my life right now. Mom had been sick with a number of issues for quite awhile now (several years), but the last couple of months have been especially difficult. Since Christmas, she had been exhibiting some increasing symptoms of her apparent decline that we thought might have been a result of a small stroke, but it wasn't. Unfortunately, during this period, we (my family and I) didn't see that this was what it turned out to be...She was on a downward spiral, and because her doctors either didn't catch it, or for some reason did and didn't tell us what was happening and what to expect, we didn't realize (and I don't think she did either) what was really happening until she went into the hospital a couple of days before she died...In fact, I'm not 100% sure that she completely understood what was happening. The relative quickness of how this all unfolded didn't give us a real chance to get a grip on what was happening until we were in the middle of it, and we never got an opportunity to really say goodbye to her...She became unconscious while the hospital was doing some tests on her, and she never really was lucid and conscious again. All I did for the first week was cry...Seemingly endlessly. This is the second week now, and I'm not crying as much, but I am so down and am filled with thoughts of my mom, and all the why's, what if's and why not's that come when someone dies. I grew up as an only child, but really wasn't...When I was 14 months old, my 5 year old sister was accidentally hit by a car and was killed, so I grew up as an "only"...As a result, it was just me, my mom and dad. I was very close to mom, even though heaven knows we had our issues over the years. I worry so much about my dad now...He was so torn up when she died, and I feel like I can't show how sad I am or cry around him, because I don't want him to see that. I'm almost 50 years old, and I feel almost like a 5 year old who just wants their mom...I know it's kind of silly, but I do just want my mom back...I can't believe that I'll never talk to or see her again for the rest of my life. There have been several times since she died that something's popped into my head when I've thought "I need to call mom and tell her.." but then it hits me that I can't anymore, and that is so incredibly hard. I miss her so much, and I worry about the rest of my family...My dad, my daughter (she's the only grandchild), and my husband. I'm trying not to cry around them as much because it doesn't make it any easier for them. Often now when I begin to think about her, I try to just stop the thought because I know what will happen if I don't. I just hope and pray that this will eventually get easier to bear...Intellectually I know it probably will, but right now, it sure doesn't feel like it...This is just brutal.
Last edited by emeraldsea; 03-24-2011 at 06:26 PM.
Oh Emerald, I know just what you are going through especially the need to pick up the phone to tell your mom something.
I have been there......yesterday was a year since my otherwise healthy mom passed away a little over 2 months after being told she had bile duct cancer. This coming at me just 6 months after losing my little brother.
What you describe is EXACTLY how I felt....after the tears the numbness and as if life were going on and I was living in slow motion while everything else went on.
So many times, even just days ago, I go to reach for the phone to call my mom to share my latest news.
I don't think I will ever get over the need to do that since we spoke almost daily sometimes even a few times a day with one another.
I am 51 and feel like a child when it comes to missing my mom.
I just wanted to let you know that what you are feeling is completely normal.
And it will get better and you will find a way to take all the wonderful memories and go back to fully living life again realizing as you do you are celebrating your mother's life and bringing her with you.
There is a song sung by Celine Dion that came to me in a unique way in answer to my talking to my mom one night which I always do just before going to bed at night. It was exactly the answer to my concerns and I hope it helps you see that even though our mom's are no longer with us, their love still is there for us surrounding us and it is ours if we are open to receiving it.
I am not able to post the link but if you look up Celine Dion singing "Lullaby~ Goodnight My Angel" you will be able to hear it.
Sending you lots of ((((HUGS)))) and hoping that you feel better knowing that you are not alone in your grief.
Grant yourself permission to grieve at your own pace.
You lost a wonderful, dear, caring, person in your life.....a best friend who loved you so unconditionally and whose love is as close as God's love is for us, HIS children.
May you feel the love and peace of those around you as you journey through your grief.
(((HUGS)))) ~ Ivory
Last edited by Ivorygirl; 03-24-2011 at 06:59 PM.
The following user gives a hug of support to Ivorygirl: emeraldsea (03-24-2011)
The Following User Says Thank You to Ivorygirl For This Useful Post: emeraldsea (03-24-2011)
Ivory...Thank you so much for your response...You and I are (were) about the same age when we lost our moms...I may be almost 50 (the end of June), but as we both have said, I feel like I'm 5 and I just want my mom. Like you, my mom and I spoke every day, even several times a day sometimes. Although my mom and dad now live in the same town as my husband, daughter and I, that has not always been the case. We are ex-Air Force, and until fairly recently, we usually lived hundreds if not a couple thousand miles away from my folks, so we would talk on the phone A LOT. I am so thankful however that this last year when she had such a difficult time (and my dad has had problems too), that at least we were all in the same town...Thank God.
There is such a huge hole in my life now that I know will be there for the rest of my life...Like you with your mom, I know that I will never, ever get over needing or wanting to talk to my mom. I know that I can still "speak" to her, but it's not the same and it never will be again. I do know though that she is "up there" watching over us all, and that I will see her again someday, and that thought does make me feel a bit better, and in that way, she will always be with us...The same is true with your mom too...She will always be with you.
Thank you for telling me about the Celine Dion song...I'm not ready to listen to it right now...I don't think that I can handle that yet, but I will. I am so sorry about the loss of your mother and your brother...Many hugs to you too, and thank you so very much for your comforting words...They have helped me more than you know...Thank you...Emeraldsea
Last edited by emeraldsea; 03-25-2011 at 09:03 AM.
Thank you for your kind words and understanding too.......it comes in peaks and troughs, the aching of the loss along with sadness, and then the smiles of the wonderful love and memories that were shared.
It will always be this way as is the ebb and flow of life.
When I had my first child my parents lived only minutes from me and then the cost of living had my parents moving to another state about 4-5 hours away.
I remember the day of seeing my parents off and my mom and I hugging in tears and those tears and sobs as they drove away.
My mom promised to always be close and vowed to find a way for her Grandchildren to know her.
And that she did....not one concert, play, award ceremony, birthday, christening, or event in their lives or ours went by without her coming to be there with us.
My girls both say that their "Granny" was ALWAYS there for everything and that they miss her about as much as they would miss me if I were to pass on.
They still cry and are going through the same grief as I am because of who she was to us, that shining light & our biggest cheerleader in life!!
Yes, like you say, I KNOW that she is still very much around me but just not in the way I would like her to be.
I understand about not being able to listen to the Celine Dion song now, you will know the right time and when you do listen take note of the words and how poignant they are to a mother's love for her child, no matter how old they may be.
The little messages I receive at particular moments are quite amazing.....for on the day of my mom's first Anniversary of her death just days ago.....I went about the day honoring my mom by doing some things that she liked to do and going places where we had shared special moments.
And then while going to the grocery store I got this urge to treat myself to some flowers but they weren't on sale. I picked up a bouquet and zoomed in on this beautiful flower arrangement in a vase and when I saw the price of the bouquet decided to not get anything knowing that it would be twice the price.
A few hours later my younger daughter comes in and tells me to close my eyes, that she knows it's a difficult day for me and got something to make me feel better.
TO my amazement, when I finally open my eyes, there before me is the same exact floral arrangement in the vase that I had seen at the grocery store!!!
Of course I knew that this was no mere coincidence.....a special angel had lovingly inspired my daughter to carry on her legacy of knowing just when to do something to make me feel so loved and cared for.
So, Emeraldsea, our mom's ARE still very much near us and will continue to show us that their love can reach through all distance even that between heaven and earth.
Love and many (((HUGS))) to you ~ Ivory
PS ~ My mom made my 50th birthday sooo very memorable. My brother had passed away only weeks before it had arrived and I just wanted it to pass me by.
I ended up going to the city with a small group of friends and stayed overnight with my hubby.
When we returned home, there was my mom who had arranged with my two daughters a surprise party with my closest friends and family.
She took such delight in having this happen for me, to bring joy during a time of sadness and seeing her smile as she took pictures of every moment and then put together an album for me to always have to look back on.....well, let's just say, that because of her, I was able to celebrate and have that moment of joy despite the sadness of not having my brother with me.
And because she was able to do that for me I KNOW how important it is to continue to celebrate life because that is her way and by doing so I am honoring her.
I know that your 50th will be drawing near and wanted to share that with you so that you too can celebrate and know that is what your mom would truly want you to do.
The following user gives a hug of support to Ivorygirl: emeraldsea (03-28-2011)
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Im so sorry for your loss. Time will make it better, it really will. I can relate to you. You were fortunate to have been able to spend 50 yrs with her. My mom died when I was 28. As a matter of fact, the nite she passed away, I was all alone even though I had a husband. I came home that nite, me and my baby boy to a dark house. You see, my husband had failed to pay the lite bill and decided to go to the strip club and spend our money. Again, im sorry for your moms passing. MY moms passing actually gave me the strength to get out of an awfully abusive marriage. My husband was so jealous of anybody who i loved. I didn't get to spend time with my mom while she died with cancer. She was the only one I was "allowed" to talk to. Her death made me think of how i wanted to live. i wanted her to be proud of me. She so wanted me out of that marriage. Please try to make the best out of this. She loved you, and she would want you to be happy. i will pray for you, and hope the very best for you.
The following 2 users give hugs of support to: jakes1mom emeraldsea (03-28-2011), Golii (12-09-2011)
The Following User Says Thank You to jakes1mom For This Useful Post: emeraldsea (03-28-2011)
Ivory...Thanks so much for your words of comfort. Your story about the flowers is so sweet. Your mom sounds like she was an amazing woman, and she also sounds a lot like my mom. My mom was the anchor of our family, and since she died (exactly 2 weeks ago today...It still doesn't seem real), I have felt like a ship that is adrift emotionally. I have good days and bad days, as all of us in my family do. Last Friday I was a mess, pretty much all day. I went over to visit my dad at his house in the afternoon , so I had to pull myself together because I didn't want him to see that I had been so upset earlier...that wouldn't do him any good. He's having enough difficulty with this without seeing me upset about this all the time. I know that with time this will become somewhat easier for us all (although the word "easier" doesn't really fit this), but until that time, this is so hard. I always knew that losing a parent would be awful, and as hard as I expected this to be, it's been even harder.
My daughter is the only grandchild, and she was very close to my mom too, so this has been really tough on her also. She is a college student, and as it turned out, mom died during the spring break vacation week. In an odd way though, at least if this had to happen, my daughter wasn't having to deal with this while still having to deal with her class schedule...She would have missed the entire week of classes, as it turned out. There is obviously never a good time for something like this to happen, but the timing of mom's death could have been more complicated if class had been in session.
My husband told me last night that he can just feel the sadness from me sometimes...After almost 28 years of marriage he can practically read my mind anyway (lol!), but he said he can just see it on my face and can feel it when he's near me, even when I'm not crying. I hope that at some time that goes away, because I must just be loads of fun to be around right now.
As far as my 50th birthday goes, I'm not thinking about that now...The first big hurdle coming up will be Easter (which also falls on my husband's birthday this year), and then the next big day will be Mother's Day...I am dreading that. For now, I'm just not going think about it, and will deal with it when it gets here.
It sounds, Ivory, like you and I were very, very fortunate to have the mothers that we had. When the waves of sadness come over me, I'm trying to focus on that fact. That isn't easy, to be sure, but I'm trying. As for everything else, I really don't know any other way to handle this except to take it one day at a time, which we are all doing. I know my mom would expect us all to deal with this the best way we know how, and to just get on with it, so, that's what I'm trying to do. As we've each said about our moms, I know that she is still here with us, and when it gets tough, I try to remember that, and it does help. Thanks again for the kind thoughts and support...They really have helped...Hugs to you, too. Emeraldsea
Last edited by emeraldsea; 03-28-2011 at 02:35 PM.
jakes1...Thanks for your kind words...I appreciate them very much. I'm so sorry that you lost your mom when you did...Losing a mom is never easy, no matter one's age, but the younger someone is, it must be very difficult in its own way. I am SO glad to hear that you found the strength to get out of such an awful relationship with your husband...I know that your mom would have been very proud of you that you were able to do that...It was the best thing for you and your son, her grandson...You should be proud of yourself, too...That was a brave and difficult thing to do, I'm sure. Moms always want the best for their children, and I believe that that continues even after they are gone...They are always still with us. As you said to me, I know your mom loved you, too, and would want you to be happy. I will pray for you also, and hope for nothing but the best for you and for your son...Take care. Emeraldsea
The following user gives a hug of support to emeraldsea: jakes1mom (03-29-2011)
you posted this on my birthday, two days before i lost my own mother. i know exactly what you mean about feeling numb and going through the motions, i was on auto-pilot for weeks following her death. my mom was 48, and tomorrow is her birthday.
i wish i had some brilliant words to help you heal, but i don't. i do, however, feel your pain.
The following user gives a hug of support to rainbow245: emeraldsea (05-17-2011)
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rainbow-I'm so sorry about your mom...I know I don't have to tell you about how awful this is. It's been just over two months now since my mom died, and I still feel like I'm on autopilot. Life doesn't look the same anymore...almost like I'm looking at everything through a pair of glasses that are the wrong prescription. I miss her so much...I wonder if I'll ever adjust to the void that I have in my life now since she died..It sure doesn't feel like it. I still can't believe that she's really gone.
One of my biggest concerns right now is my dad...He's 80, and my parents would have been married 60 years in August, and I worry so much about him. He tries to put up a front, like he's okay, and I know he isn't...That's my dad...He's always been this way...Still waters run deep with him, and I don't how to handle him sometimes. I don't know when to push the issue with him like "are you sure you're okay, dad?" or to just leave it alone. He tends to wall himself off with situations like this, and I know he doesn't mean to, but that's just the way he is. I know he's putting up this "I'm okay...don't worry about me" front because he thinks it will help me not worry about him, but it actually makes me worry more because I know he's hiding how he really is feeling. I try to keep a cheery disposition around him (as much as is possible anyway), because I don't want him to see me upset, because that just makes it harder for him, so we are both kind of stuck in this pattern right now. What a mess. I hate the thought of him alone, even though my family and I are right here (fortunately we live in the same town), but we aren't my mom, and there's nothing that I can do to fix that...Only time will help with that, I guess, for all of us.
Last edited by emeraldsea; 05-17-2011 at 12:00 PM.
The following user gives a hug of support to emeraldsea: Ivorygirl (05-17-2011)
I hear you, Emeraldsea......I thank God that my parents moved into an Erickson Community where there is independent living, assisted living and Nursing Home Care all on the same premises.
Ironically, my mom decided this would be best for them because of my dad having some heart problems and other health concerns that made them feel secure in their future if anything were every to happen to either one of them.
If one got too sick to be cared for they could move into assisted living or one could be in a nursing care facility that had a bridge connected to where the other one resided.
They get a 5 course meal a day and the place has every possible social activity one could ever hope for.
My brother and I call it a "cruise ship on land" because you basically walk out your door and there's tons to do.
After my mom passed away my brother and I were so comforted to know that my dad had lots of friends right there to see on a daily basis.
My brother lives an hour away and I am 3-4 hours away.
Like you describe, my dad is one to hold it in and tries to be strong for the rest of us and I notice how he is hurting when we go visit or he comes to us and we have to say our goodbyes......he tears up and I know how difficult it must be to go to his place and not have my mom there no matter how many things there are to do.
I wish he lived closer so I could see him more often than I do.....right now we try to make it every month or so but how I wish it were easier to see one another.
However, one blessing is that he always seems to be busy....he even makes trips to places with his friends to Atlantic City or into NYC to see a Broadway show and even some overnights to the Jersey Shore.
So I thank God that he has that and that my mom pushed for them moving into this community.
It is certainly a Godsend for us because otherwise we would worry about how my dad would be managing in a house all alone.
I guess in time as you find a newness to your relationship with your dad things will fall into place as they will for us.
I know that as time goes by we are discovering new ways to be as we make this transition without my mom......the times I spent on the phone with her and my dad in the background saying he "felt like chopped liver" are now transforming to us talking on the phone more and laughing at how long we can talk to one another (my mom would usually relay info to him and he would get on for a few minutes to just say hello).....that change in itself is reidentifying our relationship as father-daughter.
I am sure that you are finding it to be the same, feeling and knowing the special things that mom did to make it all happen and missing that but carrying on in honor of her knowing that we can do it in a different way carrying her with us always in our hearts.
It's a struggle, and just the other day while gathered with some of my closest friends, 3 of us who lost our mom's spoke about how difficult it was to celebrate Mother's Day.
I, being the one who most recently lost my mom, asked when it would get better and one of them said it still was just as difficult even after 12 years.
The void, and feeling like a Motherless Child, I thought that might go away over time but apparently it doesn't.
The bond between mother and child goes so deep and the longing to be held in my mother's arms again is just so overwhelming.
I tear up as I write this missing her so much and knowing that only another who has lost their mom could fully understand.
My mother in law is coming in for a visit and how I long and wish it were my mother. I call her Mom and as I do I long to call out to my own Mom.
I didn't think I would ramble on but it helps to put it down and let it out to others who understand.
Thanks for listening and know that I am here to listen too.
Love and (((HUGS))) ~ Ivory
Last edited by Ivorygirl; 05-17-2011 at 01:11 PM.
The following user gives a hug of support to Ivorygirl: emeraldsea (05-17-2011)
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Ivory...It's amazing how similar our dads' situations are...My dad also lives in a community that has independent living, assisted living and a nursing home all near each other. It's called Edgewood Village, and it consists of patio homes designed for seniors, and all their lawncare, snow removal etc, are all taken care of for them. Though the patio homes are separate homes owned by the resident, the resident also has access to the assisted living and nursing home facility and all the services there (medical support, meals, social activities, etc.), if needed. The nursing home and assisted living facility is called Edgewood Vista, and it is right across the street from the Edgewood Village patio homes, so it's all right there together.
Strangely enough, a couple of months before mom died, they decided to move to Edgewood Village as a result of her health, and my dad's too. Their thinking was exactly the same as your folks, that at some point, they would need the services of the assisted living or nursing home facility. I know that neither of them had any idea when they made the decision to buy that home that mom would die so soon...What complicated matters though, was that their house was in the process of being built when mom died, and they were due to move in about a month after she died. So on top of having to deal with mom's death, at the same time, dad had to deal with the move. Moving is never easy or fun, especially at a time like this...What a mess. But, somehow, we managed to get through all that, and dad is now in his new house, but even that has it's own sad issues. Much of this house was designed for a handicapped person who uses a wheelchair, which mom did. The doorways and hallways are wide, and the bathrooms are handicapped accessible, all with the intent that this would be much easier for mom, but now she's not there. That has been tough on my dad...All the talking and planning about this house and how much easier it would be for both of them, but mostly for mom, and she never got the chance to see it finished...She never even got to go in the house before she died. It is the best place I think for dad to be though, and he thinks so too, because sooner or later, he will likely be in need of the services at Edgewood Vista himself.
As for my "new" relationship with my dad, I know exactly what you mean. When I would speak to my parents on the phone, it was mostly to mom, and like with you and your parents, dad would get on for a bit, and then mom would relay info to him. My mom and I had almost a verbal and emotional "shorthand" that we used with each other, we knew each other so well...She knew and understood everything about me...I never really had to explain anything to her...she just got it. And as much as I love my dad, and I know how much he loves me, we don't have that, at least not yet....I would do anything for my dad, and I know he would do anything for me, but we don't have that verbal and emotional shorthand that mom and I did, so I have to adjust to not having her dynamic in our family anymore. It is strange, but it is coming along...Dad's are great, but the relationship with our moms is a whole different kind of thing from any other relationship in our lives.
As for Mother's Day, oh brother....Not a great day this year...I dreaded it, and it was a real tough day. We had dad over for dinner, so that kept my mind busy, and I actually did most of my crying and being sad the day before, since I knew that dad was coming over for dinner the next day. That's the way it will be from now on though, I guess...Mother's Day will be bittersweet...Good for me and my daughter, but so sad since my mom is no longer here, and I don't ever really expect that to change...It is what it is.
Well, this turned out to be l-o-n-g, didn't it? Sorry about that...But thanks so much for your post...It really did help, and I appreciate your telling me about your folks, too. As you said, it is good to share all this with others who understand and who really get it. Thanks for your kindness and understanding, and know that I'm here to listen too...
Last edited by emeraldsea; 05-17-2011 at 09:14 PM.