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Old 04-02-2011, 10:20 PM   #1
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whatsnext85 HB User
Angry Hard to believe... will I ever feel normal again?

Lost my father Feb.25th this year.....He was incarcerated on some trumped up charges by a "friend" of mine....He's been in prison for 10 years. *was* And Ive only seen him 3 times in this period of time..... I just feel so lost. I went to the funeral and even had to be the first family member to view his body after the autopsy and all... Its still hard to believe its really my dad... I keep waitin on another letter from him and still havent gotten it. I didnt write him near enough and chalked it up to my busy life with a husband and 3 kids. He was only allowed to see my kids once since being locked up and he never got to meet my son... I just saw him for the first time in like 6 years not even 2 months before he "died". I just cant grip the fact that it was really him in the casket... that he is really gone. I talk to him all the time. I got most of his belonging from my aunt since I was his only child that wrote or seen him since he got locked up and I find myself telling him Ill hold it until he gets out. I only got to visit for 30 min the last time I seen him because my grandpa, his dad, was getting married the same day. The look on his face was priceless. He was so happy and shocked to see me. I waved at him 2 times before he even recognized me! My emotions have been all over the place and I started drinking again after not drinking for 3 years. Not much... just when the pain seems almost unbearable. Sad part is it doesnt even seem to help... Been over a month since losing him but I still wanna put a letter in the mail just to see if he writes back to say how happy he was to hear from me.... My oldest girl remembered him from pictures and her last visit with him. she was only about 3 then. And she has taken it really hard... Hasnt wanted to go to school. And my hubby, her dad, had to leave on a job about 1 week or 2 after the funeral and its only made matters worse. She started throwing up at school from her nerves and hasnt wanted to eat lately. Seeing her hurt makes it worse on me and I hold back my tears and be the "trooper" I have for so long... When I lost my awesome grandma at 14, my step mom 6 months later at 15, my house 2 times from hurricanes, and now my dad. I almost dont want to be strong anymore. I dont feel strong. I feel weak and vulernable. I cant sleep and have developed a bad shake that I cant stop. I stay busy all the time. cleaning things in the house Ive already cleaned just to keep my head from thinking bout my dad being gone. Then to make matters worse seeing the autopsy cut and stitches really freaked me out. when I DO fall asleep I have nightmares and wake back up... That wasnt my dad in that coffin and if it was I just wish I could write him more, tell him I love him more, let him know how much he meant to me more, everything. I feel like begging for his forgiveness but Im not sure for what.... I had my arguments with him but I loved him and out of his other 3 living kids I was the only one that did write the occasional letter, go see him whenever I was close. He was 12-13 hours away. But I feel so much guilt like I killed him. Like I was the cause of his heartattack cuz maybe he felt lonely and I wasnt there for him.....Then he died at 5 in the morning they say.... So i think of how lonely and cold and horrible it mustve been to die in a cage all alone and in pain for something he didnt even do! I have the court papers to prove his innocent and I want to clear his name for him. Even though I should have tried to do that earlier too. The lawyers wanted 12,000 to even start the case up again... I just so sick and dont know what to do. Im tired of smiling and laughing just so people will leave me alone!!! When will I ever feel normal again????

 
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