When Family and Friends Abandon in time of despair
I am glad I found this site. It makes me sad and furious all at the same time. However it is only me that is hurting it appears, not them. I hope that I will get angry enough switch in to a high gear jump in to work, since work is therapy and leave all of them behind me. Just lacking some physical energy that is all. Here a little about myself.
I am divorced, never had any children and after my divorce took my mother in to live with me. She is penniless. I thought I had some equity in my home, but that is all gone with the present mess. Financially I am wiped clean. My mother has been diagnosed with Dementia of Alzheimer's type in 1999. She is now like a baby but at times a happy baby that I took care and am taking care of. My only brother never cared nor will he ever care for his own mother. Not one card, not a phone call. His wife and children the same. My mother half sisters the same. My few friends were O.K. until there was a housing boom, but when the bust came, well things changed. I myself am forced to retire early, but will continue to work until my last breath. However I am energy, energy enough to write this publicaly. I am otherwise a very private person. Since I see there are others out there in the same or similar surcumstensies I can only hope that with this post a " Support Group" will emerge on this board. I do not see new postings since 2009.
Anyway if someone wants to exchange his or hers experience I will be waiting for your posting. Until than
Re: When Family and Friends Abandon in time of despair
Quote:
Originally Posted by Blacky1
I am glad I found this site. It makes me sad and furious all at the same time. However it is only me that is hurting it appears, not them. I hope that I will get angry enough switch in to a high gear jump in to work, since work is therapy and leave all of them behind me. Just lacking some physical energy that is all. Here a little about myself.
I am divorced, never had any children and after my divorce took my mother in to live with me. She is penniless. I thought I had some equity in my home, but that is all gone with the present mess. Financially I am wiped clean. My mother has been diagnosed with Dementia of Alzheimer's type in 1999. She is now like a baby but at times a happy baby that I took care and am taking care of. My only brother never cared nor will he ever care for his own mother. Not one card, not a phone call. His wife and children the same. My mother half sisters the same. My few friends were O.K. until there was a housing boom, but when the bust came, well things changed. I myself am forced to retire early, but will continue to work until my last breath. However I am energy, energy enough to write this publicaly. I am otherwise a very private person. Since I see there are others out there in the same or similar surcumstensies I can only hope that with this post a " Support Group" will emerge on this board. I do not see new postings since 2009.
Anyway if someone wants to exchange his or hers experience I will be waiting for your posting. Until than
------------
After during and after my experience of taking care of my parents, I noticed that this is quite a common experience. My experience was quite the same. Neither my brother or sister helped to care for my aging parents. I flunked out of college trying to care for them and became bankrupt in the process as a result. I have seen the same phenomonen with many others. It seems that the favored child does the least for the aging parent(s). I will have to work until I drop dead too. However, I do not reqret taking care of my parents. It was not without sacrifice and was the honorable thing to do. Even in hard times, I see my siblings doing better. But my conscience is clear. I took the high road and nothing can diminish this honor. Good things will come back to you. Stay on the path until you have done your duty. In the end, you will have a clean conscience and will have created good karma. This is worth more than gold.
The Following User Says Thank You to oshooun For This Useful Post: Blacky1 (07-07-2011)
Re: When Family and Friends Abandon in time of despair
Oshooun, I have not been for a while on this board and just saw your note. Thank you, and I see I am not the only one going true the same experience. How are you doing now? I do to believe in karma. How do you handle the question of trust? I am not married and do not have children, and my trusting people has been deeply affected. It is a lonely place to be in, since I am otherwise very social. Any comments on this???
Re: When Family and Friends Abandon in time of despair
Quote:
Originally Posted by Blacky1
Oshooun, I have not been for a while on this board and just saw your note. Thank you, and I see I am not the only one going true the same experience. How are you doing now? I do to believe in karma. How do you handle the question of trust? I am not married and do not have children, and my trusting people has been deeply affected. It is a lonely place to be in, since I am otherwise very social. Any comments on this???
Hi B, Thanks for responding. Healthwise, all is well. Financially, not many are doing well, at least those that were in middle class settings, including myself. After my parents passed on, I recovered from the bankruptcy and did well. I am no longer married and never had children either. I went back to school and eventually graduated. Before all of this, my life had a great deal of social activity. After all that has happened it could even be considered unhealthy if my trust in others remained the same. Hindsight is 20/20. Perhaps that lack of trust that we both are experiencing is simply our way of learning how to form healthier relationships. My preferences now lean towards quality vs quantity. I used to charge right into friendships and lay everything down on the table for the taking. Now, I hold my cards close to the vest. If the relationship is not mutually beneficial, then I'll graciously back away.
Re: When Family and Friends Abandon in time of despair
Oshooun, I am happy to have received your reply. It is ameising, but I was married for about six years, no children, divorced and never remarried. Went at age fifty to school to learn computer programs in how to do Illustrations. Worked out of home so to be able to take care of Mom. Mom was diagnosed in 1999 with Dementia of Alzheimers type. It is a job 24/7, actually 28 hour a day job. My life went on back burner. Mom never had any money, so I used my home as Piggy Bank. In 2010 I went true Bankruptcy, Chapter 13. Still live in the home with equity upside down. Mom is like a Baby now. At least I do not have to sit on needles that she may run away looking for her home and her daughter (me). Now I am using whatever energy I have left to work on my website to publish some of my earlier works.
I have one brother, but NO I do not consider him anything more than him and I having same mother and father, and that goes for his wife and his children. Not one call, one card (even for Christmas) in all of this years.
As for my friends, 20/20 hindsight, you nailed it. What a poor judge of character was I.
Oshooun, it appears we both had similar experiences in life, and I am shore there are others that can share our story. Luckily I have one good friend and that is my Art.
Again I am so glad to have met you on this board and stay in touch.
Re: When Family and Friends Abandon in time of despair
OMG, I feel the same way about my sister. We have the same birth parents, that's about it. Before I broke ties, one July 4th, we agreed to have a bbq at her house. My dad spent his few meager dollars on the food, she burned it on the grill and then threw us out of her house. That was the last time my Dad saw her. I had to move him to my state so he woud be cared for. He lived another 3 years, which totaled 9 years that I cared for him alone. He chased off every man I ever dated and disrupted my first marriage due to his dimentia. My brother has the same father as my sister and I, but different mothers. My sis and I are from my father's second marriage. So there is this misplaced jelousy/anger from my brother. But I tried to befriend him as adults. His wife was too insecure to handle our relationship so she succeeded in destroying it. Still, he and my sister barely lifted a finger to help our parents in any way. Now, I am estranged from both of them and their children. Afterward Dad died, I remarried a great guy, but he also passed away in a car accident. Perhaps I will remarry one day. I don't even care right now. I have made many bad choices with relationships (family, romantic and platonic). However, I have learned a great deal. My focus is my graduate degree and then opening my own practice as a psychologist. Perhaps I can use my own experiences to help others. I will stay in touch ... you do the same, ok?
Last edited by oshooun; 07-08-2011 at 07:03 AM.
Reason: typo
Re: When Family and Friends Abandon in time of despair
Oshooun, you wont believe this, but my ex is a Psychologist. He almost destroyed me, and he used Psychology to do that. A tape that he recorded himself saved me or I would not be writing this. Psychology is a powerful tool that could help and in the wrong hands also destroy. Which University will you attend. Do you have your Masters behind you?
I hope you will not take it wrong. I took some Psychology classes myself at a local college. That is why I said, it is a powerfull tool. He was just the last person to be in that field. He had also a lot of problems getting the license in the first place. There were many that were against for him to work and have a license, but by than I was allready divorsed, and dont know what the outcome was.
Last edited by Blacky1; 07-08-2011 at 09:40 PM.
Reason: explanation
Re: When Family and Friends Abandon in time of despair
Quote:
Originally Posted by Blacky1
Oshooun, you wont believe this, but my ex is a Psychologist. He almost destroyed me, and he used Psychology to do that. A tape that he recorded himself saved me or I would not be writing this. Psychology is a powerful tool that could help and in the wrong hands also destroy. Which University will you attend. Do you have your Masters behind you?
I hope you will not take it wrong. I took some Psychology classes myself at a local college. That is why I said, it is a powerfull tool. He was just the last person to be in that field. He had also a lot of problems getting the license in the first place. There were many that were against for him to work and have a license, but by than I was allready divorsed, and dont know what the outcome was.
You probably do not want to know what happened to that person either. It's not the psychology that's dangerous. The manipulative personality is the true danger. Psychology is a powerful tool, yes. However, it will help you to keep from falling into manipulative traps. Psychology is a tool that I use today to understand and avoid or treat dangerous, destructive personalities. My family is full of manipulative personalities. I experienced something similar to Stockholm's syndrome, where I identified and attached to people that hurt me. This is why I made so many mistakes selecting friends and lovers. My young adulthood was filled with people that victimized me. I was emotionally numb. Finally, through studying psychology, I learned that I have to be responsible for myself. The main lesson from all of this, for me, was that each person is responsible for finding their own truth. Your misery ended upon discovery of the letter. However, please know that you were free to end your misery the very first time this person made you feel bad about yourself. That is always enough reason to move on.
Re: When Family and Friends Abandon in time of despair
Oh so true. I made a mistake that I moved from Europe to marry him, had left my family and my circle of friends, all the support that one needs in difficult times (except my dear brother). While in Europe he stocked me for two years. I confused it with love. Here he picked up my paycheck and I was not aloud to touch the checkbook. However it was me who was working while he was going to school getting his Masters first and than PhD. Credit cards were under his name. Had to be at home after work promptly. I was 100 pounds and he was telling me to watch my weight, I went down to ninety. He openly flirted in front of me, and when I objected he told me that I did not own him. He would use silence treatment not only for days but for months.
My selfesteem went to subzero, and I could not afford to go back to Europe, financially and otherwise.
Dear Oshooun, this man is doing just fine. He probably destroyed many more lives. He was required himself to see a Psychologist for two years prior to getting his PhD, I do believe that he has not changed. You may change some of your behavior but Character...NO. He is pure EVIL. He had Bachelor in Psychology when we met and recognized my dysfunctional and little educated family. I was an easy target who he could manipulate. Away from friends and familiar environment and rest is history.
Anyway now I am dealing with a whole different issue. Thanks to Internet and social media exchange of information and ideas is available more so than at any other time.
Re: When Family and Friends Abandon in time of despair
Quote:
Originally Posted by Blacky1
Oh so true. I made a mistake that I moved from Europe to marry him, had left my family and my circle of friends, all the support that one needs in difficult times (except my dear brother). While in Europe he stocked me for two years. I confused it with love. Here he picked up my paycheck and I was not aloud to touch the checkbook. However it was me who was working while he was going to school getting his Masters first and than PhD. Credit cards were under his name. Had to be at home after work promptly. I was 100 pounds and he was telling me to watch my weight, I went down to ninety. He openly flirted in front of me, and when I objected he told me that I did not own him. He would use silence treatment not only for days but for months.
My selfesteem went to subzero, and I could not afford to go back to Europe, financially and otherwise.
Dear Oshooun, this man is doing just fine. He probably destroyed many more lives. He was required himself to see a Psychologist for two years prior to getting his PhD, I do believe that he has not changed. You may change some of your behavior but Character...NO. He is pure EVIL. He had Bachelor in Psychology when we met and recognized my dysfunctional and little educated family. I was an easy target who he could manipulate. Away from friends and familiar environment and rest is history.
Anyway now I am dealing with a whole different issue. Thanks to Internet and social media exchange of information and ideas is available more so than at any other time.
Well good on you for wising up and moving on! People like him are users. The world is overloaded with them. They literally look for people to victimize. Unfortunately, I've met my share of them. And, unfortunately, no one will stop him, until his dirty deeds catch up with him. About a year ago, I met a man in his mid 60s, still trying to run con games. Well educated, once he probably lived well, but he has used so many women, his luck runs bad now. Sad thing is, he's still trying to run his stupid games. I caught on and quietly moved on, without confrontation. Anyway, the current part of your journey may be hard, however, it should give your self-esteem a real boost. It should make you feel good to know that you are caring for your Mom. You can feel proud and important now because you are. Don't forget to take care of yourself too. Treat yourself to something special every now and again. You are to be commended for doing right by your Mom.
Re: When Family and Friends Abandon in time of despair
Thank you, and yes I am glad who I am. Altough it is a lonely place that I am in at this point in my life, it is a wise time as well. Have a great day and stay in touch.
Re: When Family and Friends Abandon in time of despair
I cannot believe what has happened to my life. I got sick with autoimmune illnesses in 1995. Prior to that time I was busy working, raising a family. My husband died three years ago. We were married for 43 years. He was my whole life, many things have changed since he died. I just turned 60 when he died, he was 63 when he passed. I started working very young, at 16. Back then there were lots of good jobs, I started working full time at Bell Telephone. I came from a family of 6 children. It is so hard for anyone to understand my mother. She has always favoured her two sons. The girls were second class to her. At age 3, I was brutely beaten by my mom, I came in from playing, neighbourhood kids threw stones at me. Of course at that age what else would a kid do, go home to mom. My crying woke up my brother or sister. By the time my mom was 24 she already had 4 children. My mom grabbed the back of my head, and clutched a handful of my hair and kept smashing my head on the floor till she fractured my skull. She never told my dad guess she told him I feel down stairs. He must of been as stupid as her because it would be impossible to substain that type of injury from a fall. The doctors asked me over and over again what happened, I remember that day like it was yesterday. I started to cry when asked, wish I was able to tell the truth back then in 1950, there was not the protection of children as today. I met my husband at age 14, after dating 3 years we married. I was 17 he was 20. We worked so hard to get ahead, no help just hard work. Those were the best years, in good health, working together. My dad died a year before my husband & a sister and brother are sucking up to my mom, of course for money. That sick disfunctional family is in my past now. I am finished with my mothers cruelty. Many, many people came to my husband's funeral, his friends & their wives, family, his and mine. Now I have noone. My girls never got along, oldest is very materialistic and jealous. She started trouble just after her dad died. The youngest has many personal problems, things that I cannot help her with but I have worried myself sick about her. I have a few friends, and keep in touch as much as possible. I live with cronic pain, depression, weak muscles, fatigue, have two different kinds of artherits, psoratic and osteo artheritis as well as polymyositis. Just before my husband passed, he had liver cancer, all he could think about was how would I manage without him. He knew that noone would be there for me, to support me or help me take care of the house, do what the two of us did, now all has to be done by me. He was right. I am struggling with life, am witnessing the ugly side of life, don't fit in anyplace. My bio family was always a problem and will continue to be. My girls will always be the same, because their actions have been the same as they are now, they are 40 and 45 yrs. old. I have tried everything possible to get my life started again. Being abandoned by my own kids, and grandkids, who are young adults hurts, I have no support system. I always helped my girls, and the grandkids, guess now that is all forgotten. I am now in one to one councelling. The winters are always bad for me, my depression increases. It would be so much easier without these health problems, no cure, I just have to live with them. Life is very painful and a very dark place for me.
Re: When Family and Friends Abandon in time of despair
Pattianne, just saw your posting. Sorry to hear about your daughters, not being there for you. I personally do not have children, but seeing the actions of my own brother, and reading stories like yours makes me wonder if there was a reason behind me not having had any children. Pattianne, i got in touch with my own past like you, so that I can move on forward. For what is it worth, we come alone to this world and we leave alone this world. It is what we do in between. I still am going true soul searching, but have decided to live in the moment. I have decided that I can not change the past, and the future will be what it will be, but I can live in this very moment. Find a purpose in life, since we all were borne for a purpose. You have to fight depression, otherwise it will paralyze you. There is a natural mineral called Lithium, not to be confused with Lithium the drug for Bipolar, and you will find it in Healthfood stores under Lithium Aspartante or Orotante by Sollaray, and only $11.00. It is safe, you will not even notice much, but it helps great with depression. I have been giving this to my mother, and boy I wish I knew about Lithium before she got were she is now. Also I went true sad stage, than anger stage with my own family. Now I have decided that I will be my own best friend, and nobody can hurt me if I do not allow them to do it. I listen and respect others but do no longer put my own feelings on the back burner. Love yourself and love will come to you, stay in touch
Re: When Family and Friends Abandon in time of despair
Thanks for the info on Lithium. I just hope that it is sold in Canada. I will go to the health food store and ask, I hope I can get it. We had a horrible heat wave here, for weeks no rain, and it is very humid since we are on Lake Ontario. Not good for artheritis. The pain was horrible. I take Morophine and other opiods to control pain. Nothing seemed to help. The pain issue has alot to do with my moods. I don't sleep well, and don't have an appetite, and find it hard to just get out and do what I have to do. I will get by because I am a very determined person, I plan ahead, make sure that I have extra food in the freezer just in case I can't get out. I have always been organized and that helps so much. I like being independant, I do what I can and otherwise I hire someone to do what I can't. Thanks so much for answering my post. I will keep intouch, take care.
Pattianne.
Re: When Family and Friends Abandon in time of despair
Pattianne, just a quick note. Do you have good acupancturist Doctors where you live? Also you are right about depression and pain, they go hand in hand. My mother years ago was almost paralyzed due to her spine condition and in unameginable pain. Our Doctor was giving her pain injections that lasted only few days. She is very traditional and did not believe in alternatives like Acupuncture. Well she was in such a agony that she did not care if she was living or what. So I had to carry her in to the car, and got her to the Doctor who was highly recommended to me. After second treatment she asked me if we could afford an other treatment. Rest is history. Pain medication has adverse affects on the body, be careful. I know you will do fine in time. Go on the Internet if you are unable to find Lithium in Canada, but I think you wont have any problems. Also UC Berkley in California did a research study on this mineral. Stay in touch
Re: When Family and Friends Abandon in time of despair
Thank you so much for getting back to me. About my pain issue, I have several auto immune illnesses that cause pain. Polymyositis is the main one, a very rare disorder and the body turns on its muscle and destroys it leaving scar tissue, I also have psoriasis, psoriatic artheritis in my hands and feet. and osteo artheritis in my neck, spine, hips, knees. Because of having total body pain in almost every area of the body, caused by inflamation it is hard to treat. My family doctor did make a referral to the pain hospital in Hamilton ON where I live, I had gone a long time ago, maybe some new treatments are on the market for me to try, I am hoping so. Today, like the past week I have awaken to a pounding headache, feeling sick to my stomach, I took extra pain meds yesterday so a least I could get out and get some groceries. Being widowed, alone with no help is also a big part of my depression, I have alot of empathy of others that suffer with this degree of pain. Myself I spent most of my working years in a cancer hospital, in the radiation dept., I had no idea at that time what our patients were really going through. I think until you find yourself in a very difficult place, it is hard to even undestand the suffering that some people have to endure
Re: When Family and Friends Abandon in time of despair
Pattianne, how long have you been widowed? I know your pain is real! I still believe that Lithium will help. I believe in treating : BODY-MIND-SOUL. One without other wont work, not at least for me. We all work in our own time zone. It took me a good five years to come to terms and see people that I thought were closed to me, to who they really are. Sometimes we do not realize how we sabotage our own self for whatever reason. Our bodies ere home to our mind and soul. If soul is having an issue, your home will reflect what is going on. Be good to yourself, love yourself and love will come. You may get a pleasant surprise down the road. Take care and stay in touch
Re: When Family and Friends Abandon in time of despair
Oshooun, just a quick hallo. I am on the road UP. I did forget to treat myself now and than, and boy what a difference it makes. Thanks, and stay in touch
Re: When Family and Friends Abandon in time of despair
Hello again, My husband and I were together since we were kids, boy next door. We were married young I was 17, when he passed away we had been married for 43 years, I had just turned 60. He died Aug 29/08, so the third anniversary is coming up. When I get sick, I miss him so much, he was there for me, in every way. When I worked at the cancer clinic I noticed that other women were not so lucky. Their husbands left them, some had breast cancer, had small kids and i guess their husbands found it would take too much work and support to stand by their spouses. Sounds horrible, and it was. The last 15 years of our marriage I was diag with the polymyositis. He was so caring, sick himself he did everything he could to make life easier for me. He was a diabetic, got a bladder infection which his doctors should have taken more seriously but did not, 5 hours after seeing doctor my husband was in hospital septic and his body was shutting down, he passed in a few days. Since then, most of family have abandoned me, even my kids, and grandkids who are young adults not kids. I was the one to give, give, give when I could, now I am left to manage on my own. Well that is where the determination comes in, I do not want to have to beg for help. I will manage. These girls are spoiled, they don't get along with each other and have never really got along. So sad. I have a close relationship with God, my problem is my health, and my emotional health. Just need a couple good people to be supportive of each other. That is what is lacking. I am getting help at a hospital for mood disorders, it feels good to get it all out and in time I will figure it out, how to live in this world with at least some happiness.
Re: When Family and Friends Abandon in time of despair
Pattianne, thanks for sharing this information that I can relate to so well. For a while I felt so scared since I was all alone with a huge problem and no one to share this problem with. Now I am glad that I had risen above it all. Sometimes family is not your own blood family, and I am somehow glad that my vision wont be fogy by romantic feelings about family. To me work was and is the best therapy. There is so much that I want to learn and do before I am no longer able to. I am an artist, and there was a artist that I do admire and hope to live in his foot steps. His last exhibit was when he was 92 (I believe), he had champagne afterward, went home and quietly in his sleep slipped away. He lived a full life. Do whatever it takes to become emotionally strong. Funny jokes and laughter is healthy. Yes you will have down moments when you are in pain. However in time once your depression is gone and you are emotionally strong you may discover that you body pains will be menegable. About your children, I do not know them, but do not expect much at this time from them. Financially I do not know how you stand, so there may be limitations. However you can volunteer on days when you are not so much in pain, and pick up something that will feed your soul. Any time you give you will also receive back. Or do whatever you always wanted to do but never could. Fight depression with all you have, it is a bad friend that you do not want to have. Watch women that are strong, Suzi Orman, Oprah and so on. I do understand that after all this years with your partner/husband in life it must be rather lonely and depressing. Your two girls and their children may not know how to help or stand by you, since they may be dealing with issues on their own. Lastly we are only alone if we allow ourself to be alone. You can be standing in a crowed of people and still fill all alone, and yet you can be sitting all alone and still fill you are not lonely. One step at the time, but taking that one step is important. Have you seen the movie "Under the Tuscan sun", (I believe that is the title) hope your library has it. I think you will love it. Have a joyful day tomorrow.
Re: When Family and Friends Abandon in time of despair 
Re: When Family and Friends Abandon in time of despair 
