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Old 04-13-2011, 06:09 PM   #1
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Just lost my husband 8 days ago

i feel like i can't go on. my heart is shattered. i can't find anything or anyone to comfort me. nothing helps. he will be buried this tues. and i have no idea how i will get through it. he was my world, we were together nearly 25 years, married just short of 23 years. i can barely remember a time when he wasn't a part of my life and i really don't know how i can live the rest of mine without him. i'm in so much pain it feels unbearable, and that i always will be. people say "it gets better". HOW????????? how can it ever be better when my husband is gone forever???? we were so close, we did everything together, and he was the best husband there could ever be. i feel like my life is over and there will never be any happiness again. this is agony. i hurt so bad i can barely manage to get up every day...it just means facing another day without him.

 
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Old 04-13-2011, 06:19 PM   #2
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Re: Just lost my husband 8 days ago

Hi well have a couple of hugs from us and a tear of sympathy. 8 people have viewed this to this time obviously we really don't know what to say. I have heard people say that time is a type of healer and it may take awhile, in the meantime crying is said to be a release by some.

 
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Old 04-15-2011, 01:27 PM   #3
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Re: Just lost my husband 8 days ago

Charlyssa...I am so deeply sorry for your terrible loss...There really are no words for something like this. I lost my mom a month ago (March 14, 2011), so I have an idea of the grief that you are experiencing right now. Losing anyone close to us is horrendous, but the loss of a child, spouse or parent are all devastating. The relationship that you speak of with your husband sounds almost identical to mine with my husband...We've been married almost 28 years and have known each other since we were teenagers. I can't even begin to imagine how I would handle the same situation, and my heart just aches for you.

You said that you can't find anyone or anything to comfort you...Do you not have family or friends who can support you now? You must find someone to help you through this...How about a clergy person or possibly contact an organization where you live that helps people with bereavement? Hospitals can help put you in contact with someone that can help you with this. You sound inconsolable right now, and I can completely understand that...I myself have been in a similar place as a result of losing my mom. I know people have said to you that it will "get better"....I know right now that you can't fathom that, and I understand that feeling as well...Your husband is gone, and that relationship is now missing from your life (although he will always be with you, just in a different way)...It seems and feels unbearable now, and the words of well meaning people are not helpful to you...I understand all that. You will never stop missing your husband...That will not change. But...How you deal with and handle missing him will change as time goes on. The pain of missing him will always be with you, but it will not be as overwhelming as it is now...As time goes by, you will find yourself being able to cope with it better, and it will not dominate your thoughts and your life as it does right now. How much time this will take, I can't tell you...It's different for every person. But, as strange as it seems for you today, life does go on...The sun still rises every morning, even though you feel as though you are in limbo right now. There is an element of unrealness to how we feel when someone close to us dies...We just can't believe what has happened...It's almost like you're watching what is happening from a distance...Nothing feels real for awhile...It's like you're going through the motions of your life. But as the days and weeks go by, you will find yourself being able to handle it a little better...The loss is still with you, but somehow, you will find getting through the day a bit less difficult. There will be good days and bad days...It will come in waves...Believe me, I know. I have moments from time to time when I'll be okay, and then a thought will pop into my head about my mom, or something will remind me of her, and there go the tears...This happened to me at the doctor's office last week, of all places. I was fine, and my doctor asked me how I've been, and before I could get an answer out, I teared up, and away I went...I am not the type of person to cry around others generally, so this was definitely not the norm for me. You will likely also experience this too, and that's okay...It's normal, but it is difficult. You have to let yourself go through the grieving process, and it will take time.

Please find someone to support you during this time...People may sometimes say the wrong thing, but they don't mean to, and most truly want to be of help to you. In the meantime, be kind to yourself, let yourself go through this process, because it is a process, and just know that it will become a bit easier as time passes, but as I've said before, it will take time. Know also that you are not alone...There are those who feel for what you are going through, and who understand your grief. Take advantage of this message board, because coming here can help.Try to remember that the weight of this burden will become easier to bear with time, and also know that your husband would want you to find a way to get through this and to continue with your life, and to be happy again...I am sure he would want that for you.

God bless, take good care, and know that I am praying for you.

Judy

Last edited by emeraldsea; 04-15-2011 at 01:48 PM.

 
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Old 04-15-2011, 02:56 PM   #4
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Re: Just lost my husband 8 days ago

I am so, so sorry for your loss.

 
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Old 04-15-2011, 04:45 PM   #5
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Re: Just lost my husband 8 days ago

I couldn't have passed your thread without stopping to express my sadness at the loss of your husband. I wish you the strength that lies inside of you be free to protect you during the delicate time...he will be with you forever. Be strong, he is watching over you...

 
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Old 04-24-2011, 04:23 PM   #6
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Re: Just lost my husband 8 days ago

I lost my husband over 2 years ago. For me it doesnt get better. i just have learned to continue. i do not feel complete and still havent figured what I am going to do with the rest of my life. I miss him everyday and I still cry for him. I dont think there is a timetable or guideline for the grieving process. We all have our own. My thoughts are with you

 
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Old 04-25-2011, 12:40 AM   #7
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Re: Just lost my husband 8 days ago

thank you soooo much, all of you, for your kind and thoughtful words. they mean so much to me. this is the first time i have been able to come back, i have been so wrapped in pain i couldn't even write anymore. but i had a fairly nice easter, my son, his gf and her 2 kids took me out to dinner. it's the first time i have smiled since april 5th. so while my mood is a bit lighter than usual, i thought i'd stop in to update.

i've at least gotten to the point where i'm not sobbing uncontrollably for most of the day. but the nights are torture. i miss his warm body next to me. i have to put a pillow behind my back and pretend it's him or i would never sleep. oh god i miss his touch, his arms around me, th feel of him. this past week my son brought me his clothes from the care center where he passed away and it unleashed the most painful wracking sobs when i smelled his lingering scent. i now sleep with my arms hugging his shirt and most of the time i sob into them and fall asleep crying. i see him everywhere in this house, his touch is everywhere, from his recliner to paintings he hung on the wall when we moved in. i wasnt to seeeeeee him so bad it hurts, i still can't believe he's gone. it's still a horrible shock, even though i was prepared and knew he was terminal.

the hardest part is the guilt i feel, that i will probably always feel. i was supposed to have neck sugery in jan. due to vertebrae impinging into the spinal cord. i was told it was very serious, that i could be rear-ended in an accident, or just take a fall, and be a quadraplegic. when we got my husband's diagnosis in early feb. i put it off, but the surgeon's office called twice in feb. and once in march and said i must have the surgery asap. my husband was in hospice at home and sometimes he'd fall when he became disoriented. i had to pick him up but i risked neck injury, so i finally gave in and had the surgery, but had to put my husband in the care center. i came home the thurs. before he passed but i was told not to have him come home yet. i was going to have him come home a week later...but he passed away before that happened. he WANTED to be at home!!!!!!! i couldn't even give him his dying wish!!! how can i ever forgive myself??? that is what makes his passing soooo much more difficult. if i would have just waited and not listened to the doctors, it was only one more week. i a sooo mad at myself and i feel as to my husband will never forgive me. it's bad enough i wasn;t with him when he passed on and that knowledge has nearly killed me.

he wanted a closed casket so the funeral home said embalming wasn't necessary, but the casket would be sealed, so i wouldn't have an opportunity to see him unless we went in prior to the funeral. they said they would "present" him first, meaning that he would be fully covered except for his head and they even put some make-up on him. when i walked into the room to see him to say my good-byes and beg his forgiveness, i nearly fell from overwhelming grief. he looked so natural, just like he was asleep. it was like some nightmare, that this wasn't really happening, i wanted to wake up!!! he wasn't really lying there, cold and still!!! i threw myself over him and cried as if my heart would break. i told him over and over how sorry i was and how much i loved him and to pleeeeeease forgive me! my son finally had to pull me away, but i never wanted to leave his side, i wanted to stay there with him forever. i knew i would never see him again and i was in so much pain i wanted to die. i am crying so hard as write this. i feel like this pain will never go away. i don't want to live my life without him, i don't know how to. i can't even begin to describe these tortured feelings i have. my husband and i were in a head-on collision last nov., he was uninjured but i suffered several broken bones in my wrists and fingers, a shattered patella, broken leg and severe chest wall injuries from the seat belt and airbag, and i would take ALLLLL of the pain i went thru, again, rather than suffer this emotional pain!! this pain will never heal.. even if it does get easier, i feel pretty sure it will never go away. the days and nighs stretch endlessly before me and i swear i would rather not go on, than live feeling like this forever.

i also have a problem with believing in the hereafter. i feel that we have now parted forever, that it's not possible i will see him again some day. i wish i could believe differently, maybe it would bring me comfort, but all i know is that i don't have him NOW and i never will again.

emeraldsea, i have a son here but my daughter lives in distant state. my son has been so good, so helpful, but he has his own life, and besides, he's not my husband. there is no comfort of any kind...only my husband can give me the comfort i need. he always could, and now i don't have him. i have friends to talk to but again, there's no comfort. the pain is too strong. i have thought of a support group and may consider that when i am more recovered from te accident and surgery. right now i don't want to do anything, i have zero motivation, i's all i can do to get up and dressed every day. thankfully i have my precious dog and cat with me. they are more comfort than anything, but even still, the only comfort i need and want is my husband being alive and near me. i can't get passed that, stupid as it sounds. and i am sooo sorry for the loss of your mom. i lost my mom when i was only 24 so i have spent more of my life without her than i did with her. i lost my dad 12 years ago and it was horrible...but nothing compares to the loss of my husband. it it the most excruciating loss there is, at least, for me. not to minimize your pain, because losing a parent is devastating, i know.

rspancake, i know exactly how you feel, and i am soooo sorry for yoyr loss, as well. pretty sure i will feel the same as you in 2 years....

thank you, all of you, so much for being here for me. your kindness helps me so much.

charly

 
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Old 04-25-2011, 12:36 PM   #8
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Re: Just lost my husband 8 days ago

Hi you are welcome, eyes filled with tears on the story.

 
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Old 04-26-2011, 02:32 PM   #9
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Re: Just lost my husband 8 days ago

Charly,
I am so sorry for the loss of your husband and all the grief you are dealing with. I lost my husband of 36 years about four and a half years ago. I know what you're going through. You never "get over it" but as time passes, you learn to live with it better. I still cry occasionally, but I can also think of the funny and enjoyable things we did and remember him with happiness. I talk to him all the time and I think he hears me. Sometimes, I can't find something in the garage and I'll ask him where it is. Somehow, I suddenly see the item. He's still around . I know you said you don't believe in the "afterlife". I do, and I am convinced we will see each other again. Otherwise, what's the point of this life You might want to read a book about a little boy who "died" on the operating table..."Heaven is for Real". Take care and write whenever you feel like it and I'll check back every so often.

 
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Old 04-28-2011, 11:13 AM   #10
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Re: Just lost my husband 8 days ago

I am very sorry for your loss. Try to not be so hard on yourself about not getting him home on time. It's not like you were purposefully denying him his wish...the timing was just not to be.

 
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Old 05-08-2011, 07:40 AM   #11
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Re: Just lost my husband 8 days ago

I too lost my husband recently - on April 19. Everything I read in your post is true for me as well, except that we had no children so I have no family at all to lean on. There are relatives who live far away, but as you pointed out, even if we were close, they are not my husband. I feel like I am stumbling through the days with no one who understands my pain and suffering. He was my best friend and my everything. I lost him to a massive heart attack and he was only 42 years old. There was no warning - one minute he was here and the next he was gone. I tried to save him with CPR but there was nothing I could do. I can't imagine my life without him and I struggle daily to find peace.

Charly, 5 weeks before my husband passed, he was saved and baptized. We had gone to church together all during our marriage but I never knew where his heart was until he received a Bible from his brother this past Christmas and began reading it. He read it every night and then made the decision to be baptized. I was thrilled of course but had no idea how soon he would be taken from me. You WILL see your husband again in heaven if you can accept Jesus into your life. I am not a "religious fanatic" but I saw a miracle in my husband's transformation when he became a Christian that cannot be denied. I know that he is not suffering now (though I feel as if I am in a deep well of suffering) and I KNOW I will see him again one day. It is the one promise that I hang on to right now.

I have pets as you do and they give me a reason to rise every day, though sometimes, that is the only reason I get out of bed. Actually, another reason is that I receive calls daily from dear friends who worry over my wellbeing. I read the responses you received to your original post and I see total strangers that care about you. That is what made me want to join this website. It seems that people do care about each other and makes me realize that I am not the only one going through this pain. I will pray for you that you may find comfort as I know others are praying for me.

 
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Old 06-13-2011, 02:20 PM   #12
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Re: Just lost my husband 8 days ago

Quote:
Originally Posted by Charlyssa View Post
i feel like i can't go on. my heart is shattered. i can't find anything or anyone to comfort me. nothing helps. he will be buried this tues. and i have no idea how i will get through it. he was my world, we were together nearly 25 years, married just short of 23 years. i can barely remember a time when he wasn't a part of my life and i really don't know how i can live the rest of mine without him. i'm in so much pain it feels unbearable, and that i always will be. people say "it gets better". HOW????????? how can it ever be better when my husband is gone forever???? we were so close, we did everything together, and he was the best husband there could ever be. i feel like my life is over and there will never be any happiness again. this is agony. i hurt so bad i can barely manage to get up every day...it just means facing another day without him.

 
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Old 08-10-2011, 03:13 AM   #13
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Smile Re: Just lost my husband 8 days ago

Hi there from sunny south africa

I am new to this site so not sure when your post was placed?. I lost my husband 3 weeks ago and have to say reading your post made me weep. Its as though it was my personal post!!!
I feel so lost. Ted and I were together for 29 years and loved one another to pieces!
We were also insular which makes my grief even worse because we dont have a group of friends.

I was fairly strong till a few days ago when this wave of emotion opened the flood gates.It feels unbearable .In fact I am going to the doctor this afternoon for some meds or I will not be able to return to my Real Estate job!
As someone so aptly put this.......You actually want to press the fast forward button and catapult yourself into the future!

If your post was a while back please will you tell me how you are now?

This has to be the worst thing eva!!!

Kind regards
Wenda

 
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Old 09-08-2011, 03:57 AM   #14
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Re: Just lost my husband 8 days ago

I have just read your message and the pain in the words you write is clear.

Like others that have answered your message, I dont have any words of wisdom that will take that pain away, but for what its worth I have been there myself, I could have written it myself. I lost my mum last year and six months later lost my sister in circumstances I can never erase from my mind. I realise its not the same as losing your husband that you have lived with and loved for most of your life, but believe me when I say I understand your feelings of loss and despair and sheer desperation. As I said, I wish so much there was a easy solution for grief but the sad fact is, that we do just have to accept it and move on, in anyway we can. And thats bloody hard to do, how can you do this without the support and love of that one person you have lost? I felt the same and I am still here, and Im ok, I do still have bad days, but I have good ones too, and I never thought I would, so I guess that old saying that time heals really is true even though when you hear those words they seem stupid and empty.
I truly wish you all the best in the days to come, and please remember that you are not alone, there are people out here that have been just where you are and I for one truly understand your despair.
much love, take care
xx

 
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Old 10-08-2011, 10:44 PM   #15
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Re: Just lost my husband 8 days ago

Quote:
Originally Posted by Charlyssa View Post
i feel like i can't go on. my heart is shattered. i can't find anything or anyone to comfort me. nothing helps. he will be buried this tues. and i have no idea how i will get through it. he was my world, we were together nearly 25 years, married just short of 23 years. i can barely remember a time when he wasn't a part of my life and i really don't know how i can live the rest of mine without him. i'm in so much pain it feels unbearable, and that i always will be. people say "it gets better". HOW????????? how can it ever be better when my husband is gone forever???? we were so close, we did everything together, and he was the best husband there could ever be. i feel like my life is over and there will never be any happiness again. this is agony. i hurt so bad i can barely manage to get up every day...it just means facing another day without him.
I so know how you feel. I just posted here for the first time tonight. I lost my husband in april and it is so unbearable. I must say I can't advise you as I am in the same place you are, but we can give each other tips if we find something that works. I haven't found it yet. Matter of fact I don't even want to go on. I was with him almost 31 years. 3 months short of 31 years. I can tell you all these things you are feeling I am feeling too..I have been holed up in the bedroom for 2 days crying. Have cried so much my head is killing me..Will be praying for us both...(((hugs)))

 
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