llagd

I meet my husband when I was 16. I just knew at that time he the one. Two years later we got married (I was pregnant), within another year I was pregnant again and left him due to drugs and alcohole. Young and stupid neither willing to fight for each other and making alot of stupid mistakes we never made it back to one another. Although we remained married for 23yrs. Both of us went on to live our lives. He meet someone else built a life with her. I haven't had a serious relationship in almost 20yrs. I believe I always loved him and always would. Even the one man I did try to build a life with told me that and I never really dated again. I never filed for a divorce I think deep down it was my way of still being connected to him. My husband and I remained friends talking every couple of days he would tell me about his problems with his girlfriend or what ever he had on his mind at the time. When he got sick we had talked about him coming to stay with me in PA (he and the gf were not good). He promised our children he be coming. Then when it was time for him to come he broke my heart and it never mended. Even thou we had two children together, after that I never spoke to him unless I absolutly had to. Only seem him 4x in 10yrs. and spoke to him even less. One of which was only 2mths before he died at his fathers funneral. I knew at that time it was a matter of time and still I did not reach out, what good would it of done anyway.... he lived a 1000 miles away with another person. I did not go to the hospital or to the funneral even though his family had repeatly asked me to. Some of whom I havent spoken to in years my phone was ringing off the hook. I got my two children on plains and when they got there they had a few minutes with him before they made the descion to terminate life support. My heart was breaking I really wanted to be there but knew even though we were still married it was not my place to go and stay in his house with his girlfriend and I could not afford a hotel room. Although I did ask for some of his ashes... And even though we were not together for so meny years I miss him now more then ever... at least when he was alive I still felt about of him and now I have nothing no one to even talk to that would understand how I am feeling. And in the past few days I keep seeing in diffrent things ... things we never even did together. Like yesterday I was helping a friend take down a dead rree and instead of seeimg my friend doing it I saw my husband.... I built a fire outside last night and he was sitting with me... I bought a pack of cigarettes today and almost bought him a pack to (and I havent even bought him a pack in almost 20yrs). A couple of days ago I went looking for my favorite flannel shirt of his to put on (I finally threw it away about 10yrs ago because it was falling apart). Am I losing my mind? My daughter told me she overheard her aunt and his girlfriend talking about why he never divorced me and married her. All she heard was that he told her didnt want to divorce me but didnt hear the reason. I really want to know why. He built a life with her.