Hi Rainbow......I wanted to welcome you and tell you that I totally understand.
I lost my dear sweet mom just a little over a year ago, only 9 months after losing my youngest brother.
Like you, I still go to pick up that phone to talk to my mom and miss that soo very much.
Her birthdays and especially Mother's Day are the hardest......I feel such a void without her and so wish we had some more time together.
I so get it, what you describe......right down to the Matriarch role of trying to keep the family going. And somehow it's so difficult to fill her shoes....she was at every celebration and it's just not the same without her.
It does get better but I just returned from a winetasting party with friends and there were three of us who had lost our mom's and one was describing how difficult Mother's Day is for her and when I asked how long it had been since she lost her mom she told me it was 12 years.
So, I guess we will always have that void.....I thought it was because it was still so new to me but hearing a friend telling me it was 12 years and her feeling the same made me realize that we shall always miss our moms no matter how much time may go by.
I do the balloons too on my mom's birthday and anniversary of her death.
On her birthday I did things that she liked to do in honor of her and it really helps.
I wish I could say more to make you feel better.
There is a saying, "The more you love, the more you grieve."
I find that to be so true but I also find myself comforted by the many memories that mom and I shared.
And when I feel sad somehow one of those memories comes along and makes me laugh or smile.
I know my mom is still very much near me and in times I really need to feel her near something happens that I KNOW that she is.....it doesn't happen all the time just when I really need a hug or sign that she is there for me.
I am open to receiving that sign and it comes in the most remarkable ways.
If you have faith and open yourself enough, I am sure that you will feel your mother near you too.
Please know that you are not alone in your loss and if you need to talk or share I will be happy to help in anyway I can.
((((HUGS)))) ~ Ivory