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Old 06-25-2011, 10:39 PM   #1
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I lost my son,my daughter and my mom at the same time

Hi to all, i never been on any board for this and haven't spoken to anyone about it for over 5 years...Not too sure what to say or where to start.My son would be 11 years old ,my daughter 9 years old and my mom 59 years old...They all died the same day,years ago.Let's just say it was a criminal act and they suffered a lot when they died...I just turned 30 years old and have nothing to look forward to,or maybe i simply don't care,not too sure.When it happenned,i went to see a psychiatrist for months,without any success or positive effects.I tried to kill myself but my best friend found me on time...I was forced(2-3 times) into a place because i was a ''danger for myself ''they said. I was on medication for MANY years(8 diff type of pills a day,all with heavy dose) but since they were strong,good for my brain but not soo good for my body,i was operated few years ago because of these.Now i haven't been on medication for over 2 years.I feel ''dead'' since that nightmare happened,been pretty much 7 years.I never accepted what happen and never will.I never cried their death,i just can't,i have been holding myself since then.I wish i was in that place(like it would have been normaly) that day instead of my mom,there's NOTHING i wouldn't do or give to switch place. I hate myself,feel guilty that my mom was babysitting my kids that day.I never talk to anyone about this,i just can't...Last week was my kids birthday.i bought books to read them stories(like it used to be),flowers,blankets and a little decoration(3 birds in a cage) and went to the grave. I hate life,hate myself,and refuse to agree with the saying''everything is meant to happen'',i refuse to believe there is a reason for everything.Sorry if its not very clear,not too sure what to write,or even what i am expecting from this,but i don't know why but it feels a bit better after writing this. thanks for reading me

Last edited by beendeadfor7yrs; 06-28-2011 at 04:34 PM. Reason: give a better idea of what this is all about

 
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Old 06-26-2011, 01:13 AM   #2
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Re: bleeding heart,

Quote:
Originally Posted by beendeadfor7yrs View Post
... My son would be 11 years old ,my daughter 9 years old and my mom 59 years old...They all died the same day,years ago.Let's just say it was a criminal act and they suffered a lot when they died...
Your enormous loss breaks my heart. I just wanted you to know that I read your words, and am saddened by the loss of your son, daughter and mother. I cannot imagine how difficult it is for you to bear the pain and grief.

Quote:
I just turned 30 years old and have nothing to look forward to,or maybe i simply don't care,not too sure.
I am close to 70 years old. I have lost many friends and family members. I do realize that my losses are not anything like the loss of a 2 year old daughter, 4 year old son and 52 year old mother. My departed friends and family live on in my memories. I can still picture each and every one of them. I can still feel them. I dream about them, and they are real. I have pictures of them in better days. I almost feel that, as long as I live on, they live on.

Quote:
When it happenned,i went to see a psychiatrist for months,without any success or positive effects.I tried to kill myself but my best friend found me on time...I was forced(2-3 times) into a place because i was a ''danger for myself ''they said.
It sounds like you were a very loving mother; and a loving daughter to your own mother. The greater your love, the greater your loss and grief. Are their any friends, family members or pets that you love? If so, then that would help you to cope with your losses, but you still have to find some way to forgive yourself for surviving and to forgive yourself so that you can try to enjoy life again.

I am sure that your loving children and mother would want you to go on, and want you to always remember them, and always love them.

Quote:
I was on medication for MANY years(8 diff type of pills a day,all with heavy dose) but since they were strong,good for my brain but not soo good for my body,i was operated few years ago because of these.Now i haven't been on medication for over 2 years.
Seems like the medications made things worse. I am glad that you have been able to get off the medications that harmed you.

Is there anything that you have found that helps you to cope? A family member? A friend? A pet? Memories of when your children and mother were alive?

Quote:
I feel ''dead'' since that nightmare happened,been pretty much 7 years.I never accepted what happen and never will.I never cried their death,i just can't,i have been holding myself since then.I wish i was in that place(like it would have been normaly) that day instead of my mom,there's NOTHING i wouldn't do or give to switch place.
I don't know how I would have been able to cope with a loss as big as yours. Perhaps the wonderful love that you shared with your children and mother was so enduring that it continues to give you some strength.

You cannot possibly switch places with them, but you can keep their memories alive.

Quote:
I hate myself,feel guilty that my mom was babysitting my kids that day.I never talk to anyone about this,i just can't...Last week was my kids birthday.i bought books to read them stories(like it used to be),flowers,blankets and a little decoration(3 birds in a cage) and went to the grave.
Did reading them stories, like you used to, give you any peace? Does it help you to cope? Going to their graves and placing flowers and other thoughtful, loving things on their graves allows you to continue to show your love to them. Everyone who walks past their graves will look at your loving remembrances, and know that they were much loved.

Quote:
I hate life,hate myself,and refuse to agree with the saying''everything is meant to happen'',i refuse to believe there is a reason for everything.Sorry if its not very clear,not too sure what to write,or even what i am expecting from this,but i don't know why but it feels a bit better after writing this.
I also feel that many things in our lives are not meant to happen. Many things that happen, especially the bad things are just either random or just plain unfortunate twists of luck. Bad things happen to good people, not because it was meant to happen, but just by fate and circumstance.

It is nice that you feel a bit better because you wrote the post. I hope that you will allow yourself to feel better.

I wanted to answer your post to acknowledge your loss and to just say that there are people who are reading your words and are trying to understand your great loss and grief.

I don't know if I said anything that helped you. I can only hope that you can find a way to enjoy life, once again, and to enjoy your memories of your lost children and mother. Somehow, someway, I hope that you can forgive yourself for surviving and forgive yourself for those few moments that you feel enjoyment for something or someone in your life.

Quote:
thanks for reading me
Thank you for taking the time to post about your great loss, grief and anguish. Perhaps it will help others who have also suffered a great loss. Perhaps others will come forward and share their loss with you, and by doing that might cause some healing, and help with the coping.

Please accept my sincerest condolences for your losses.
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Last edited by Machaon; 06-26-2011 at 04:36 AM.

 
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Old 06-26-2011, 07:52 PM   #3
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Re: bleeding heart,

I wanna start by saying thank you,thank you for taken the time to read and reply,really means a lot to me.

I have pictures of them in better days. I almost feel that, as long as I live on, they live on.

I don't have much,not anymore,the ''nightmare'' took pretty much everything i had...I really wish one day i could do same,adopt that thinking.

Are their any friends, family members or pets that you love? If so, then that would help you to cope with your losses,

The only person that i am VERY close to is my cousin.He is 2 years younger than me,we've been raised pretty much together.He has a huge drug problem,and has kids,and let's just say his life is a mess.He IS,the ONLY reason why i am still alive right now.I wanna help him taking over his life.He has and still is there for me,so am i,and always will...Makes me feel less useless.

Seems like the medications made things worse. I am glad that you have been able to get off the medications that harmed you.

Actually the medication was very much needed.I couldn't fonction without it,literally.I was taking anti-depressor,panic attack,anti-psychotic,etc...I needed them to freeze my emotions,to avoid my brain to ''explode''...But yes,i am happy that at the end i am not taking any of it anymore.


Did reading them stories, like you used to, give you any peace? Does it help you to cope?

Honestly,it's a mixed feeling,not too sure about this.I think ''while been reading'' yes,it did,kinda made me feel like a mom again.But as soon as i am done,i feel so empty and lonely...

I wanted to answer your post to acknowledge your loss and to just say that there are people who are reading your words and are trying to understand your great loss and grief.I don't know if I said anything that helped you.

JUST,knowing that someone took the time to reply made me feel good,knowing that someone,somewhere in the word cares about me,is an feeling that i can't explain.Yes you did,you really found a way to make me feel better,and i am thanking your for all of this,tonite,when i'll go to bed,i will be thinking of this.

Also thanks for the wishes,they mean a lot to me.

 
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Old 06-27-2011, 08:39 AM   #4
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Re: bleeding heart,

Hi there Beendeadfor7years.......I read your post and wanted to reach through this screen and give you some (((((((HUGS))))))))).

One can only imagine such a horrific loss in your life and in the way that it came. I am soooo very sorry that you have had to endure such an occurrence in your life.

I have only experienced what you speak of in a small degree having lost my youngest brother to a rare disorder and then 9 months later my completely healthy mom to biliary cancer. I only had 2 months to prepare for her loss still grieving the loss of my brother. That in itself has left me grieving but NOTHING in comparison to what you must be going through having your loved one's taken from you in the way that they were.

They say that time makes it better, it's been 2 years since I lost my brother and a little over a year for my mom and I still ache for them to be here with me as I would imagine you still do for your dear mom and 2 little ones.

I guess we can only do the best that we can do and I find that by my going on and living in the way my dear brother & mom did, I am not only doing what I need to do for myself but also honoring them by doing so.

I would hope that one day you will get to a place where you can shed the guilt enough to do that for your dear mom and two beautiful children.

I am glad that by your coming here and reading some of what others have to share will make you feel better.

In fact, I would encourage you to perhaps go to a Bereavement Support group where there are others who may understand the loss that you have endured.

I believe there is even a group for those who have had loved ones taken from them through crime or were murdered such as you have experienced.

NOBODY can understand the type of pain that you are going through other than another person who has experienced it themselves.

So perhaps looking into such a support group will allow you a place to go where you will meet others who are hurting and grieving much like yourself.

I am glad that you have your cousin to talk to who understands.

I just wanted you to know that through my own pains and sufferings that I have endured through my life, it was knowing that there were others willing to reach out to me, some who I have never even met like on forums like this, who helped me get to the other side of it.

That and my faith....I don't know if you believe in a Higher Power, after the loss of my dear brother my faith was truly shaken until I came to the realization that like was promised by Jesus to HIS friends, we will never be alone and HE will always make sure we have a helper around to guide us through even our darkest moments.

I hope that doesn't offend you in anyway, but I wish to let you know that I am holding you in the light and praying that the darkness and pain is somewhat lifted and that you see a future with hope and peace for yourself by knowing that others do care and that you are worthy of that peace and love that your dear mom and children would want for you.

Please keep on posting, there are many forms of support and your sharing your burdens with others allows us to help carry you along. WE are never meant to be alone to carry such pain, all we need to do is reach out knowing that there are others willing to share the pain to make it just a little bit easier to move forward.

Love and (((((HUGS))))) from me to you ~ Ivory

 
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Old 06-27-2011, 07:47 PM   #5
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Re: bleeding heart,

I wanna start by saying thank you,thank you for taking the time to reply to my post,really appreciated.

Also i wanna offer you lot's of (((((hugs)))))) too,i don't know what it feels like to have someone announcing you that very soon,you will loose your brother,and then your dearly mom...It must have been horrible,knowing that the people you love the most are about to die.I hope you won't get offended by my next comment because its the last thing i want(english as you can tell i believe,isn't my first language,so sometimes,i might not have the right word to explain my opinion),but i see what happen to you must have been like a ''death watch'',waiting for them to die,must have been devastating...

I completely understand that you are still coping with your losses because i still am also...I wanna tell you that i appreciate your comment that says ''NOBODY'' can understand,this is so true.I can't count how many people came to me saying ''i understand'' ,i am like;REALLY?!! HOW?! Is it happen to you?Did you loose your kids and your mom at the same time?Did they suffer while dying?Was it a criminal act? I mean,yes,their motives are good i know,but still...I think it makes me more angry than anything.

Yes i am very lucky to have my cousin close to me,but no,i never talk about this with him,or anyone else.He has enough problems to worry about...Helping him makes me feel good,knowing that i can still be useful to someone feels great.I came on this board because i could never meet people and talk about this,i just can't.But it is a very good idea to join for group support i agree,just not my thing,not yet at least.

Whenever people asked how i feel i always say good,great,etc.I never ever say anything that could give them a reason to worry for me.They all have their own problems,they don't need mine on top of it.To give you an example,few years back,when i got operated at the hospital,when the doctor asked me who is the person to call for emergency(it was a major operation) i said nobody.I never told anyone about this.I was at the hospital for 2 weeks and never let anyone know.Did not want to make them worry for me.

Thanks again for your sincere wishes,means a lot to me,hoping you'll get better too,as for myself,i will keep in touch with this board,really a great find i must say.

 
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Old 06-28-2011, 07:43 AM   #6
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Re: bleeding heart,

Quote:
Originally Posted by beendeadfor7yrs View Post
I wanna start by saying thank you,thank you for taking the time to reply to my post,really appreciated.

Also i wanna offer you lot's of (((((hugs)))))) too,i don't know what it feels like to have someone announcing you that very soon,you will loose your brother,and then your dearly mom...It must have been horrible,knowing that the people you love the most are about to die.I hope you won't get offended by my next comment because its the last thing i want(english as you can tell i believe,isn't my first language,so sometimes,i might not have the right word to explain my opinion),but i see what happen to you must have been like a ''death watch'',waiting for them to die,must have been devastating...
I take no offense to anything you have said and know that when we speak here we only have one another's best interests and well being.

Yes, it was what would seem a "death watch", however, for me it was also a journey of love. With my brother, he had such a rare disorder that the doctors were somewhat unfamiliar with in terms of how long it would be. And so he was in Hospice Care for over 2 years and many times we were called saying that the end was near only to find him fighting his way through.

It was also a beautiful journey, my brother and I were so close and could talk about anything. He shared with me how he wasn't scared to die......he would go into these episodes of not breathing for up to 5-6 minutes.....the doctors told us to press firmly on his sternum (the chest bone) and he would come out of it gasping for air.

It was scary but when I was with him he told me that each time he went into one of those episodes he went further and further towards this warm peaceful light and all around him he saw the most beautiful green forests, trees, and meadows with butterflies and beautiful things and a peaceful voice beckoning to him.

He said that he knew it was a place he would be okay to go to, however, her wasn't ready to go yet, that he still needed to be around for his youngest child to get to know, that he had done his job with all of the others enough for them to remember him. But that he still needed more time with his little girl. He had 6 kids and his youngest was only 3 at the time.

He got his wish and lived on another 2 years until she was 5. And today she talks about her "Daddy" all the time.

I thought that you would find that my having time to say my goodbyes and journey with my brother and then my mom would make you feel badly because when I think about it, I couldn't imagine not being able to be prepared for such a loss. As painful as it was to have lost my brother and my mom, the time I had to make that journey with them and tell them how much they were loved was a gift. I was able to tell them that it was ok to go when I saw that it was too much for them to stay and to sit by their side and do and say things to comfort them and make it less scarey.

Quote:
Originally Posted by beendeadfor7yrs View Post
I completely understand that you are still coping with your losses because i still am also...I wanna tell you that i appreciate your comment that says ''NOBODY'' can understand,this is so true.I can't count how many people came to me saying ''i understand'' ,i am like;REALLY?!! HOW?! Is it happen to you?Did you loose your kids and your mom at the same time?Did they suffer while dying?Was it a criminal act? I mean,yes,their motives are good i know,but still...I think it makes me more angry than anything.
Yes, sometimes people say the most inappropriate things and I guess it is because they really don't KNOW any better. Having not experienced such a loss, they don't know what words may be comforting......I find now that I KNOW such loss that sharing something special about what I liked about their loved one or a funny memory is something that helps whenever I run into someone who lost a loved one. OR not saying anything at all rather than saying something that may offend them. But I have learned to forgive those who don't KNOW of such loss and consider them blessed that they haven't had to experience that as well.


Quote:
Originally Posted by beendeadfor7yrs View Post
Yes i am very lucky to have my cousin close to me,but no,i never talk about this with him,or anyone else.He has enough problems to worry about...Helping him makes me feel good,knowing that i can still be useful to someone feels great.I came on this board because i could never meet people and talk about this,i just can't.But it is a very good idea to join for group support i agree,just not my thing,not yet at least.
in time your feelings about seeking out a support group may change.....people need people who understand what they are experiencing. Coming here is a start.

Also, it is good to feel that you can help your cousin.....helping others gives us a purpose and perhaps you need to find that for yourself.

I have heard that volunteering to help in an animal shelter, hospital or to assist an elderly person within their home can really be healing in times like these.

Quote:
Originally Posted by beendeadfor7yrs View Post
Whenever people asked how i feel i always say good,great,etc.I never ever say anything that could give them a reason to worry for me.They all have their own problems,they don't need mine on top of it.To give you an example,few years back,when i got operated at the hospital,when the doctor asked me who is the person to call for emergency(it was a major operation) i said nobody.I never told anyone about this.I was at the hospital for 2 weeks and never let anyone know.Did not want to make them worry for me.
I have found that sometimes we underestimate the compassion in people and that there are alot of people who CAN help us through our losses if we reach out to them. I have found it in forums like here and in real life when I take a chance and share my pain. Sometimes I find that somebody else lost their loved one and they will reach out to me too and truly understand. So, being open to receiving another's understanding allows you to feel more comfortable letting out some of what you are holding within.

I also have started a journal in which I write to my mom and my brother sharing my thoughts and what is going on and how I feel their presence in my everyday life. And this has been quite helpful in getting me through my grief.

If you are open to that, you will see and feel your loved one's presence around you.

My brother told me that he would be around me and to look for him. I didn't believe him and when I asked how I would know he was around he told me "Look for a butterfly and onto the water and I will be near".

Funny how shorltly after his death whenever I needed him in a time of need or thought about him and was missing him, all of sudden a butterfly would appear!!! And it would be the same butterfly, a beautiful Monarch!!

One time when I was going out on our boat with my husband a butterfly appeared at the inlet of our creek as we went out to the bay. Like a dolphin it would appear and follow our boat for the entire time until we came in and then disappeared at the inlet at the creek where it first greeted us!!

It wasn't just that time but specific times when I would want to call my brother or need him near, at the mention of his name in conversation or when doing something that he would be part of. This butterfly, always a Monarch, would swoop down towards me.....many a time my huband marveled at how close it got to me.

Eventually, when my husband and I were down in Florida to take a respite after the death of my brother, I went to say goodbye to a lady who rented us a house. On her threshhold was a Monarch Butterfly that was dead.....still beautiful and laying there not to be ignored. The lady explained how she had NEVER seen a Monarch in Florida.....that she had seen them in other places but never in all the years she lived in Florida.

This was the day when my mom had called to tell me that she had cancer and I picked up the Monarch knowing that it was a final message to me that I no longer needed to see a butterfly to KNOW that my brother would always be near me. That just like the butterfly that lay lifeless, he was still very much alive in my heart and in my life.

My hubby mounted that butterfly in a frame for me and I put special quotes around it that spoke of it's meaning in tribute to my brother and I now have it hanging on my wall to see remembering his promise to me.

Shortly after my mom passed I asked in prayer for a sign of her presence & since we never spoke of one I asked for something I would KNOW without a doubt was her sign to me.

The very next day, while sitting outside in the sun with my family a BEAUTIFUL cloud with a rainbow image in the shape of an angel appeared!!!

My sister in law shouted in delight at it and we all marveled at NEVER having seen anything like that before!!!

I had no doubt in my mind that this was my sign that I had asked for.....for my mom and I LOVED rainbows and her greatest joy was planning my wedding with the theme of rainbows.....she had colored in the programs rainbows to make them beautiful, hung a beautiful pillow on her door adorned with 7 silk roses in rainbow colors and my bridesmaids wore the colors of the rainbow!!

And so I KNEW, without a doubt, that my mom and brother are still very much around just as I know that your dear mom and children are as well.

WE just have to believe that they are and KNOW that they are now safe and free from any pain and in a good place just like my dear brother described to me. And still very much a part of our lives.

Finally, I want to share something special with you.....my brother described in great detail what he saw of the place he KNEW he would be going and I had shared my loss with another forum like this.

One of the members who was quite supportive, contacted me in a personal message & asked if she could have my address to send me something after she learned of my dear brother's death.

I normally wouldn't share such info but felt comfortable enough to do so.

A few days later, I received a watercolor she had found in a store that she felt compelled to buy in memory of my dear brother to give to me.

I had NEVER shared with ANYONE that vivid picture my brother described for me of the beautiful forest, trees, meadows with butterflies etc. that would forever be etched in my mind.

So you can only imagine the awe of seeing it so perfectly portrayed in that watercolor, sent to me by somebody I had NEVER even met who felt compelled to buy it just for me!!!

The watercolor was called "Journey On, My Beloved....." and it has beautiful angels standing before a tunnel and canopy of the most beautiful trees with a pathway that is lit with this magnificent light and the angels gently turned and pointing in the direction of that path with a radiant, warm inviting light at the end.

This person didn't know anything about this precious moment shared with my brother when he told me of how he wasn't afraid of dying because he KNEW that it was a beautiful place he would be going to, but that he needed just a little more time.

And this watercolor coming to me from a person who I NEVER met made me believe not only that my loved ones are in a good place but also that there are true angels here on earth to help us through our darkest hours.

I hope that brings some type of peace and comfort to you, Beendeadfor7years, and that one day you will be able to change your user name to something showing that you have found life again because of the love that you had for your dear ones that helped pull you through to the other side of this journey of grief.

Peace, love and plenty of (((HUGS))) ~ Ivory

Last edited by Ivorygirl; 06-28-2011 at 07:57 AM.

 
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Old 06-28-2011, 03:50 PM   #7
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Re: bleeding heart,

Quote:
Originally Posted by Ivorygirl View Post
I take no offense to anything you have said and know that when we speak here we only have one another's best interests and well being. Yes, it was what would seem a "death watch", however, for me it was also a journey of love. With my brother, he had such a rare disorder that the doctors were somewhat unfamiliar with in terms of how long it would be. And so he was in Hospice Care for over 2 years and many times we were called saying that the end was near only to find him fighting his way through. Now that i took time to sit back and think(what i should have done the first time i replied to you) i totally understand what you mean by ''it was also a journey of love'',the fact that you both knew what was going to happen,just not when,must have brought you closer to each other(not meaning you weren't before) and made the best of it.I can see how it would have been very fullfilling too.I guess i thought of it as if it was me,finding out my kids were very sick all in a sudden and they will be death before the end of the year. It was also a beautiful journey, my brother and I were so close and could talk about anything. He shared with me how he wasn't scared to die......he would go into these episodes of not breathing for up to 5-6 minutes.....the doctors told us to press firmly on his sternum (the chest bone) and he would come out of it gasping for air. It was scary but when I was with him he told me that each time he went into one of those episodes he went further and further towards this warm peaceful light and all around him he saw the most beautiful green forests, trees, and meadows with butterflies and beautiful things and a peaceful voice beckoning to him. He said that he knew it was a place he would be okay to go to, however, her wasn't ready to go yet, that he still needed to be around for his youngest child to get to know, that he had done his job with all of the others enough for them to remember him. But that he still needed more time with his little girl. He had 6 kids and his youngest was only 3 at the time. He got his wish and lived on another 2 years until she was 5. And today she talks about her "Daddy" all the time. This is a beautiful memory,that she will cherish and remember forever,and so do you.Your brother and the memories related to him will live through all of you forever. I thought that you would find that my having time to say my goodbyes and journey with my brother and then my mom would make you feel badly because when I think about it, I couldn't imagine not being able to be prepared for such a loss. As painful as it was to have lost my brother and my mom, the time I had to make that journey with them and tell them how much they were loved was a gift. I was able to tell them that it was ok to go when I saw that it was too much for them to stay and to sit by their side and do and say things to comfort them and make it less scarey. I totally agree with you,yes i do wish i had time to say good bye.I wish i had a chance to prepare them and myself to the ''separation''.But what i always tell myself is that ,last time i saw my mom,we had a beautiful conversation,very light and positive.Last time i saw my kids,we played and foul around a lot,run around the house,jumped everywhere,screamed,laughed all in a very positive,festive way.Then i give them a bath,read them a book in my bed,kissed them good night...At least,my last moment with all of them was a good one.If i would have left that night on a fight with my mom,and then this happened,i don't know how i would have react...Having your last moment,your last souvenir with your loved one,a bad one,i don't want to even think about it... Yes, sometimes people say the most inappropriate things and I guess it is because they really don't KNOW any better. Having not experienced such a loss, they don't know what words may be comforting......I find now that I KNOW such loss that sharing something special about what I liked about their loved one or a funny memory is something that helps whenever I run into someone who lost a loved one. OR not saying anything at all rather than saying something that may offend them. But I have learned to forgive those who don't KNOW of such loss and consider them blessed that they haven't had to experience that as well. I agree completely and do exactly the same.I had a very good friend of mine that lost his mom,not too long ago,when i saw him,i told him the memory i had of her,a very funny one,he remembered too and got a nice laugh,felt great.I,too,learned to forgive those that say or do things that are inappropriate. in time your feelings about seeking out a support group may change.....people need people who understand what they are experiencing. Coming here is a start. Also, it is good to feel that you can help your cousin.....helping others gives us a purpose and perhaps you need to find that for yourself. I have heard that volunteering to help in an animal shelter, hospital or to assist an elderly person within their home can really be healing in times like these. I have found that sometimes we underestimate the compassion in people and that there are alot of people who CAN help us through our losses if we reach out to them. I have found it in forums like here and in real life when I take a chance and share my pain. Sometimes I find that somebody else lost their loved one and they will reach out to me too and truly understand. So, being open to receiving another's understanding allows you to feel more comfortable letting out some of what you are holding within. I also have started a journal in which I write to my mom and my brother sharing my thoughts and what is going on and how I feel their presence in my everyday life. And this has been quite helpful in getting me through my grief. If you are open to that, you will see and feel your loved one's presence around you. My brother told me that he would be around me and to look for him. I didn't believe him and when I asked how I would know he was around he told me "Look for a butterfly and onto the water and I will be near". Funny how shorltly after his death whenever I needed him in a time of need or thought about him and was missing him, all of sudden a butterfly would appear!!! And it would be the same butterfly, a beautiful Monarch!! One time when I was going out on our boat with my husband a butterfly appeared at the inlet of our creek as we went out to the bay. Like a dolphin it would appear and follow our boat for the entire time until we came in and then disappeared at the inlet at the creek where it first greeted us!! It wasn't just that time but specific times when I would want to call my brother or need him near, at the mention of his name in conversation or when doing something that he would be part of. This butterfly, always a Monarch, would swoop down towards me.....many a time my huband marveled at how close it got to me. Eventually, when my husband and I were down in Florida to take a respite after the death of my brother, I went to say goodbye to a lady who rented us a house. On her threshhold was a Monarch Butterfly that was dead.....still beautiful and laying there not to be ignored. The lady explained how she had NEVER seen a Monarch in Florida.....that she had seen them in other places but never in all the years she lived in Florida. This was the day when my mom had called to tell me that she had cancer and I picked up the Monarch knowing that it was a final message to me that I no longer needed to see a butterfly to KNOW that my brother would always be near me. That just like the butterfly that lay lifeless, he was still very much alive in my heart and in my life. My hubby mounted that butterfly in a frame for me and I put special quotes around it that spoke of it's meaning in tribute to my brother and I now have it hanging on my wall to see remembering his promise to me. Wow,this is a beautiful story,must have feel good knowing that somehow,your brother managed to send you signs that he was still around. Shortly after my mom passed I asked in prayer for a sign of her presence & since we never spoke of one I asked for something I would KNOW without a doubt was her sign to me. The very next day, while sitting outside in the sun with my family a BEAUTIFUL cloud with a rainbow image in the shape of an angel appeared!!! My sister in law shouted in delight at it and we all marveled at NEVER having seen anything like that before!!! I had no doubt in my mind that this was my sign that I had asked for.....for my mom and I LOVED rainbows and her greatest joy was planning my wedding with the theme of rainbows.....she had colored in the programs rainbows to make them beautiful, hung a beautiful pillow on her door adorned with 7 silk roses in rainbow colors and my bridesmaids wore the colors of the rainbow!! And so I KNEW, without a doubt, that my mom and brother are still very much around just as I know that your dear mom and children are as well. WE just have to believe that they are and KNOW that they are now safe and free from any pain and in a good place just like my dear brother described to me. And still very much a part of our lives. I really hope that one day,i will be able to get this mind set and see things differently.I really need to find a way to change my thoughts about all of this.But since they all had autopsy practiced on them,and the result of all 3 were given to me.I read it all,over and over again.So the picture i have is what is written in these papers...But yes,i will keep working on this,i won't give up. Finally, I want to share something special with you.....my brother described in great detail what he saw of the place he KNEW he would be going and I had shared my loss with another forum like this. One of the members who was quite supportive, contacted me in a personal message & asked if she could have my address to send me something after she learned of my dear brother's death. I normally wouldn't share such info but felt comfortable enough to do so. A few days later, I received a watercolor she had found in a store that she felt compelled to buy in memory of my dear brother to give to me. I had NEVER shared with ANYONE that vivid picture my brother described for me of the beautiful forest, trees, meadows with butterflies etc. that would forever be etched in my mind. So you can only imagine the awe of seeing it so perfectly portrayed in that watercolor, sent to me by somebody I had NEVER even met who felt compelled to buy it just for me!!! The watercolor was called "Journey On, My Beloved....." and it has beautiful angels standing before a tunnel and canopy of the most beautiful trees with a pathway that is lit with this magnificent light and the angels gently turned and pointing in the direction of that path with a radiant, warm inviting light at the end. This person didn't know anything about this precious moment shared with my brother when he told me of how he wasn't afraid of dying because he KNEW that it was a beautiful place he would be going to, but that he needed just a little more time. And this watercolor coming to me from a person who I NEVER met made me believe not only that my loved ones are in a good place but also that there are true angels here on earth to help us through our darkest hours. This is amazing,really gives me hope of a brighter future.My mom was a believer,i was too,before everything happened,but since then,i am angry at god and life and it's purpose in general.I have no idea how to show you or make you understand how much your replies gives me some kind of peace,warmth,and much more that i don't even have the words to describe.This is everything i needed to read and then some.I had a terrible day today,and reading this just made my day.I can't thank you enough for sharing this with me.Knowing that ,someone,somewhere in the world,do care for me is a feeling i cannot describe,seriously,thank you so much for this. Your presence on this board is a great thing.Thank you for being you. I hope that brings some type of peace and comfort to you, Beendeadfor7years, and that one day you will be able to change your user name to something showing that you have found life again because of the love that you had for your dear ones that helped pull you through to the other side of this journey of grief. Peace, love and plenty of (((HUGS))) ~ Ivory

Last edited by beendeadfor7yrs; 06-28-2011 at 04:07 PM.

 
Old 06-30-2011, 08:17 PM   #8
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Ivorygirl HB UserIvorygirl HB UserIvorygirl HB UserIvorygirl HB UserIvorygirl HB UserIvorygirl HB User
Re: bleeding heart,

Quote:
Originally Posted by Beendeadfor7years
Now that i took time to sit back and think(what i should have done the first time i replied to you) i totally understand what you mean by ''it was also a journey of love'',the fact that you both knew what was going to happen,just not when,must have brought you closer to each other(not meaning you weren't before) and made the best of it.I can see how it would have been very fullfilling too.I guess i thought of it as if it was me,finding out my kids were very sick all in a sudden and they will be death before the end of the year
I understand and while some people wish they had time to prepare for the loss of a loved one others would rather not endure the suffering. Either way, there is loss and grief to work through.

I would imagine, that losing a loved one, and in your case 3, to an act of crime is much more difficult because of the way in which you lost your loved ones in such an unnatural way.

I apologize if this is something you find painful to hear or talk about, it's just when I think about my pain and loss it doesn't even seem anything quite as painful as what you have endured.

I think that it's good that you are able to let some of what you are feeling out and that perhaps in time you will find a way to work through some of it with a professional.

I would imagine with something like what you have experienced that there is much more than the normal grief to deal with....there may be some Post Traumatic Stress as well due to the nature of your loss.

So perhaps with some help you may be able to work through that and in time I really hope that you can find the peace and happiness that you so deserve.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Beendeadfor7years
I totally agree with you, yes i do wish i had time to say good bye. I wish i had a chance to prepare them and myself to the ''separation''. But what i always tell myself is that, last time i saw my mom, we had a beautiful conversation, very light and positive. Last time i saw my kids, we played and foul around a lot, run around the house, jumped everywhere,screamed,laughed all in a very positive,festive way.Then i give them a bath,read them a book in my bed,kissed them good night...At least,my last moment with all of them was a good one. If i would have left that night on a fight with my mom, and then this happened, i don't know how i would have react...Having your last moment, your last souvenir with your loved one, a bad one, i don't want to even think about it...
What a blessing it was for you to be able to have a good memory of the last moments you had with your mom and little ones. Since losing my brother and mom I always try to make sure that I show all those I love how special they are to me and try to make ammends if there are ever any ill feelings between us.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Beendeadfor7years
I really hope that one day, i will be able to get this mind set and see things differently. I really need to find a way to change my thoughts about all of this. But since they all had autopsy practiced on them, and the result of all 3 were given to me. I read it all,over and over again. So the picture i have is what is written in these papers...But yes, i will keep working on this, i won't give up.
I am glad that some of what I shared with you allows you to have some hope that you will one day find some peace and joy in your life again.

I am so sorry that you have the autopsy results that haunt you......that is where I think a professional may help you find a way to resolve those horrible pictures that have taken residence within your mind & may also be keeping you from truly finding some happiness in your life.

Perhaps when you are ready, you will reach out for the help you may need to help navigate through this part of your grief and the trauma of the loss you have endured.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Beendeadfor7years
This is amazing, really gives me hope of a brighter future. My mom was a believer, i was too, before everything happened, but since then, i am angry at god and life and it's purpose in general. I have no idea how to show you or make you understand how much your replies gives me some kind of peace, warmth, and much more that i don't even have the words to describe. This is everything i needed to read and then some. I had a terrible day today, and reading this just made my day. I can't thank you enough for sharing this with me. Knowing that someone, somewhere in the world, do care for me is a feeling i cannot describe, seriously, thank you so much for this. Your presence on this board is a great thing. Thank you for being you.
There is no need to thank me, by sharing what I have been through it not only helps you see that you are not alone in your grief but also helps me in knowing that I am not alone either.

I know that your faith has been shaken to have gone through such a loss in your life such as you have and I have no doubt in my mind that God will continue to let you know that HE is still near and holds you in the palm of HIS hand to ove and comfort you. My wish for you is that your faith is restored and that you will realize that God is still by your side.

Even in the midst of our pain there are still many blessings.....we can see them once we rise above the sadness and pain if we choose to look for them.

Again, the greatest way we can honor those we have lost is to live in the way they did with love and celebration of the life we have been given.

When I do this I feel closest to my mom and brother and bring them with me in my heart in all that I see and do.

Please continue to post....I am glad to listen and share whatever experience that I feel may be helpful to you. By doing so I too feel thankful to have somebody to talk to who understands some of the pain that I have as well.

I hope that today was a better day for you.....although you will NEVER not miss your dear ones, my hope for you is that you will find a way to live your life in a way that will honor them with peace, happiness and hope until one day you are together again.

I hold you in the light and am happy that some of what I share here with you gives you hope and comforts you.

((((HUGS)))) ~ Ivory

 
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