I am a 25 year old Canadian girl who moved to the United States to marry the love of my life, 3 months after we were married he was diagnosed with cancer, 5 weeks ago he died of complications due to the disease.
The doctors asked me to choose, ventialtor or let him go naturally. I hadn't slept in days as when I did my husband would unplug all of his iv's and oxygen and become very agitated, so I did my best to stay awake. On the morning of his death the doctors told me it was time for a ventilator, or to choose to stop treatment. I chose to stop treatment and a mere thirty seconds later begged them to let me change my mind but it was too late they had given him morphine and another drug which were depressing his cardiovascular system to the point of no return.
I can't shake this blame and guilt that I feel, I feel as though I euthanized my husband and it's killing me, everyday I hope to wake up feeling better but I never do. Every day is a little bit worse than the last... Does anyone have any advice?
The following user gives a hug of support to katieg7: slenderella (07-31-2011)
I too lost my husband and had to chose. I have the same feelings, but I have learned that he would not have wanted to see me sitting there waiting and wondering if he was in pain or suffering. He died when I finally fell asleep, after days and weeks of none. I wanted to be there with at that moment, but I think it was meant to be. For me to finally rest, and let him go. We were married for 33 years, and after 15 yrs, I still miss him terribly, and wonder how I am able to live each day without the other half of my life. Good luck to you, and I hope you can find a way to handle your grief. Ann
I'm sorry for your loss. Keep in mind, if they hadn't given him the drugs, he would have suffered at the end. I know you didn't want that for him. You didn't kill him. You kept him calm so he could pass peacefully. Seriously, a friend of mine wouldn't let them sedate her husband enough at the end and he thrashed about for hours until he passed. Now she has to live with that memory. How she regrets that now.
I too feel a lot of guilt over my mother's passing.. On the night that she died, I was so tired I was just holding her hand and then I let my sister take over taking care of my mom and I did not even get to say goodbye because I was sleeping and I didn't wake up in time before she left. I did a lot for my mother and took care of her the last few years before she passed away but I have schizoaffective disorder and sometimes I was in the hospital because I wanted to hurt myself. My mother was my partner and we did everything together and from what you say, your husband was your partner and your soulmate. There is always going to be a lot of guilt. It is part of the grieving process along with anger, shock, depression. My mom died 4 months ago and for me, I am starting to feel the hurt and the depression because my partner is gone and it hurts like hell. What helps me get through the day, is to get out of the house and see nature or do something. You will go crazy if you stay in your house. Believe me, I think I already am. I am sending you a hug and you will be in my thoughts