lost my mum and my sister
Hello and thank you to whoever reads this.
I lost my mum last year, after living with emphysema, in September 2009 she was also diagnosed with eosophogeal cancer. She was my very best friend, her being there made me able to cope with whatever life through at me because I would have her to talk to, she was my friend, my mum, my everything. I used to worry about her alot, and when she would get terribly out of breath it would cut me up inside that I couldnt help her. She NEVER let it stop her doing things, I have two young children, one was just over a year when I lost mum, and she would cry to my dad that whe would never see them grow, I think about that alot and it breaks my heart. She always put on the cheery way for me, right until the very last day. Sadly the cancer took hold of her quickly, and she lost so much weight, not even being able to enjoy a meal with us or simple things that we all take for granted, I feel angry that she not only had to deal with the emphysema, which was so hard on her but to be saddled with another devastating illness. She was an amazing woman, always had time for me and my troubles, never complaining despite having much to complain about. She kept me sane, I felt safe with her in the world. I watched her fight till the last in her hospital bed. Never got chance to say all that was unsaid, that she was my lifeline, my guideing light. She died while my sister and my Dad watched, in disbelief that it was true, we had lost her. Life after mum went unbearably hard, I had a very young baby who never slept, I feel as though I never had chance to just be sad, had to hit the floor running, with all that was going on in my life at the time. My husband tried to help me and I am blessed to have him, god knows I would not cope without him. I spent the next 6 months trying to cope and prop up Dad at the same time, I had my sister and together we muddled through. But six months after mum died, life took an even worse turn and I had the worse night of my life. We were unable to raise my sister on her phone and so we went to her house, which was in darkness except for the bathroom light. We tried to bang the door in, but I knew, deep somewhere, I just knew. Eventually my husband and my sisters friend knocked the door in. She was laying in the bath, water still running. She was gone too, she had just turned 44, we never really knew how she died, its like she died of sadness. I think my life ended on some level that night, and I am scared I wont ever get it back. How could I have lost my mum and my sister? Surely life was not that cruel. Since this has happened I have had so many health issues, my docter believes its all related to what has happened and that I need some sort of counselling. I want to be my old self but cant see how this can ever happen. I have young kids and I know I am not being the best I could be and I feel guilty. Coming on here and writing this has helped in a small way because I have cried whilst wriiting and I know that in some way better than holding it in.
Thanks for reading and my heart truly goes out to any of you who are suffering in some way the grief of losing someone close. xx