Hi there
I am so sorry that you had to lose your mom the way that you did at such a young age.
I have two daughter's your age (23 & 20) and I can only imagine how difficult it was for you and your mom to go through what you did during her illness and eventual loss to her disease.
I, too, lost my mom just over a year ago. I had her a bit longer than you but still, it is such a loss not to have your mom around especially when you have developed such a strong bond of friendship.
I had lost my youngest brother just 9 months before mom....it was so difficult for her to lose her baby and took quite a toll on her.
And then my perfectly healthy mom was found to have a rare bile duct cancer that had her go from perfect health to losng her within a mere 3 months.
Anyway.....I understand your loss and that loss NEVER goes away but it does get better with time and your ability to honor your mom by living in a way that would be her way.
That is what I do.....I find that my best coping skill is to live each day in a way that would make my mom proud and as i do I bring her with me.
It was she who taught me the way to be a good mother, to love, to celebrate life, to smile and to be strong even when it hurts to be.
It wasn't easy at first but I realized I could do one of 2 things.....I could crawl up in a ball and let life pass me by missing out on the blessings of each day OR I could greet each day as she would, embracing it and seeing it through her eyes as a blessing and not to be wasted.
I also looked for signs of my mom's presence and have felt it and seen it when I needed to whether it be the rainbow cloud that painted the sky or a song that comes on the radio when I am thinking about her with lyrics that say what she would say to me at that particular moment. I open my heart to feeling her presence and it is there.
Most of all, I feel her hugs and touch through my own family who are all pieces of her.
I miss her voice on the other side of the phone....I still to this day go to grab the phone to share my newest news or to ask her opinion and that is what I miss the most. Instead I have learned to journal my convos with her which really helps.
Be gentle with yourself.....perhaps you may benefit from a grief counselor or bereavement group where you can work through your feelings with others who understand.
Perhaps you can turn those awful thoughts of watching your mom die with thoughts of how she is now at peace in a place where she no longer struggles and is whole again and able to love you and be there in a way she couldn't be when she was so ill.
You are young and having to go through seeing your mom suffer from an illness like she did has to have had been so difficult.
I think that your mom would like you to focus on being the mother to your children as she was to you before the illness took over.
That is a way in which you can best honor your mom, by being the mother she was to you to your little ones and the new baby to be.
I wish you your mother's love and peace as well as comfort in knowing that things WILL get better.....you don't have to deny yourself the grief but you do need to give yourself permission to miss your mom while moving forward in a way that she would like you to since her passing on, realizing that she is still around but in a different way.....not the way you would like her to be but in a way in which she can be, no longer in pain and whole again.
Sending you ((((HUGS)))) and hoping you find comfort in knowing that you are not alone on this journey of grief.
((((HUGS))))) ~ Ivory
