I am new here to posting, although I have been lurking on the boards for awhile. I decided to register and start posting because I just lost my Dad. Sorry if this is long...
My Daddy fought Prostate Cancer for 17 years, and he fought it with his entire being. About 3 years ago, the cancer became more aggressive and he started rounds of Chemo. It spread to his bones, which made walking for him painful, but he managed to make it to my wedding 2 years ago. That was the last time I saw until last month.
About a year ago, the cancer became even more aggressive. More Chemo, a round of targeted radiation earlier this year, and things seemed OK. Then he was told that his PSA levels were high, the cancer wasnt shrinking, and another "experimental round" of chemo. It didnt help, and in fact was making his quality of life worse. Too tired to get out of bed. Sick, vomiting... etc. So, 6 weeks ago he called me to tell me he would be stopping his chemo. He said that they gave him about 6-12 months.
My Dad was all about dignity and wanting to die with dignity.... but in his final week, he was so week he couldn't make it to the bathroom and was soiling himself. He was going downhill fast, and if it wasnt for my sister, his landlord and his doctor, he would have died, with no dignity, alone at home.
They transferred him to Palpiative Care, where he was happy, eating and talking the 1st couple of days.... then I got the call that he was unresponsive and had hours.
My, sister, husband, oldest daughter and I rushed to his bedside, where I will never forget him struggling to breath. He was hooked up to oxygen through his nose and that's all. They would give him morphine for pain, and when saliva would build up in his mouth, they would suction it out. That was it. They said he didnt seem to be in a lot of pain, because he was on such a low dose of morphine.
The next day was worse. He seems to be struggling so much,.. and that memory of him is seared into my brain.
Not the memory of how for one moment, he was able to become lucid enough to open his eyes and grunt at us while we were at his bedside, not the memory of how peaceful he looked after he did pass, but the image of him struggling to breath his final day.
How do I get that image out of my head? It strikes me at the oddest moments.....when I least expect it.
I am also trying to deal with anger, and guilt, and so many other things... and that one image doesnt help......
i love you for being strong. i miss my daddy too i am 23 when i was 22 last year i found him in his recliner. i came to see him after work to bring him some dinner. he was a heavy heavy alcoholic only 51 years old. he didnt eat to well or take good care of himself so i tried to bring him dinner a few nights a week. he took a break from working on a friends car outside to go upstaires and grab a beer. he took a seat in his recliner fell asleep and his pancreas burst from years of drinking and the toxins poisened his blood and he died. all his friends outside had no idea they just thought he was taking a little cat nap as usual. i knew he was gone right away because he wasnt snoring. i told him a secret id been keeping for 3 months that i was pregnant. i sat with him and cried begged him to wake up cuddled up with him and waited til the cops came. they were in disbeleif that i was there sitting with him when he"d been gone for about 4 hours. he wasnt cold. he didnt die in pain they said because his hands werent clenched. the cops made me leave the room they said i shouldnt watch them remove him from the house. today im glad i dont think seeing them put my daddy in a bag would have been something id like to remember. i went outside and at this point everyone knew. his best friend of 10 years who'd been working on the car with him cried like a baby with me. i called my mother and my younger brother. my brother took it har and hung up one me. his best friend died in a car accident 2 weeks before. poor kid lost his best friend and his dad. i miss my daddy too. i took it hard and had a miscarriege the next day. he is in an urn next to my bed now and i still listen to all his voicemails i have saved in my cell fone. i have the bottle of peppermint shnappes he was drinking and the blanket he had on him when he died. it broke my heart when i went threw his things the next week to discover he had saved every stupid drawing and fathers day card me and my brother had made for him our whole lives. i never knew. its been over a year since he passed away. 6 months after he died we learned my younger brother's girlfriend was pregnant. last week they had a beautiful baby boy. things look up. i just wish my father didnt drink so much because he'd still be here. i love him and i always will. ive forgiven him for everything now. its tough losing a parent.
I understand how you feel. My dad recently passed away after having a lung removed. He was in the ICU with a ventilator and all kinds of IV's and two cathaters. I wish I could erase that from my memory. I miss him so much.
i lost my father 6 years ago and at first the only image i had was of the last time i saw him in hospital because it was to painfull to bring back other memories
over the years this has been replaced with other more happy memories
the time will come when you feel strong anough to think of happier times and you will find this image replaced by others