It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Grief & Loss Message Board
Post New Thread   Closed Thread
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 11-21-2011, 12:56 PM   #1
Newbie
(female)
 
Join Date: Nov 2011
Location: xxxx,xx,USA
Posts: 1
SoulSearcher11 HB User
Why I lost my baby?

It is been 12 days since I lost my precious lil boy. I am not sure if I can finish this blog ever... but I ll try. He was 34 weeks when we had a routine U/S and the doctor said he is measuring small for his age - SGA. But everything else looked normal. I kind of freaked out since I was having bad dreams lately. I asked the OB, If I should take leaves or quit my job. She said no..lets do a routine U/S next week, and we will see how much he gains meanwhile. A day before the U/S I felt he was not kicking much. So I played loud music, still nothing. Suddenly I had this weird feeling. I was knowing something is grossly wrong, yet I was not facing it. That was my favourite music, yet I switched it off. Not even my wild dreams did I expect he would have left me. Oh! He is just sleeping I thought. Usually, he would respond to me so well. I would just think "I wish u give one kick"..and he would start punching. Such a deep connection created that denial I guess. Anyways we have an appointment tomorrow. The next day when we went for the U/S the technician did a check and rushed to call the Doc. I asked her is evrything fine and she said she has to get the doc. Oh my god...was my queasy feeling true then... his dad ..oh poor dad..not knowing any of this..was brushing my hand ..saying everything is fine.. Doc walks in and checks again ..and said ... the "baby passed away" . Oh god... I was dead for a split second. His dad (first time dad ever)... rose up asking "r u sure doc ?" we called him Cutu..ever since he was 3 months old. I felt him kicking around 14 weeks old. I loved him so much .. I would sing songs to him.. Never raised a child, I was getting there.. ever since he was conceived, we started being more religious, doing service in the temple. So that we can bring him up in a good environment and he gains from the positive vibes. This year has been so tough on us. Every month we had a notorious thing to handle - I was out of job for a month, got Tax problems, had to defend my masters, and what not. Yet the baby kept us going.
I dreaded labor pains and so I took childbirth classes. Little did I know, I will be induced to give birth to my first baby I ever conceived knowing he will not cry, once he is out. I went through labor - contraction and all of the pain, only to realize it was the cord that got around him. The very cord that provided nourishment would be the source of misery. My heart crashes imagining how much pain he would have undergone... and me - the crazy mother - had no idea. I am not a very pretty person (atleast thats what I thought) and always hoped my baby got his dad looks... my lil cutu had a head full of hair and had big eyes, rosy lips and a cute lil nose... boy! he was the cutest baby I had ever seen. only if his heart throbbed.
I don't know if I can ever do anything right in my life ever. If I can go back to work, if I can give birth again. If I can pray to god again, if I can take bath again. He had been a part of me in all I did... we were so inseparable. My collegues would ask me "u tired of being pregnant"? And I would say "No..I am used to him now."
will I ever be myself again. Don't even know that self of mine. All I remember is me and Cutu. Where was my mistake..I keep asking this question a 100 times each day? Should I have quit my job when doc said baby is small. The doc said this happens to 1 in 100 pregnancies. I ask.. why me? In my life, I have tried to help anyone I can, lived an ethical life and been nice to people. Everyone says there is a big plan. What plan is it that snatched my baby from me. I hope I can talk to god and know why he did this to us. I feel so vacant and empty. I try not to be sad when my hubby is around.. to give him strength.. but I am just so shallow within...

Last edited by SoulSearcher11; 11-22-2011 at 08:55 AM. Reason: typo

 
The following 4 users give hugs of support to: SoulSearcher11
grammieann (12-07-2011), janewhite1 (11-21-2011), mandolins (11-21-2011), momoftrio (11-21-2011)
Sponsors Lightbulb
   
Old 11-21-2011, 03:20 PM   #2
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: NJ, USA
Posts: 9,381
Blog Entries: 32
janewhite1 HB Userjanewhite1 HB Userjanewhite1 HB Userjanewhite1 HB Userjanewhite1 HB Userjanewhite1 HB Userjanewhite1 HB Userjanewhite1 HB Userjanewhite1 HB Userjanewhite1 HB Userjanewhite1 HB User
Re: Why I lost my baby?

I am so sorry this happened.

There probably was NOT anything you could have done to prevent it, by the time you noticed the lack of movement he was probably already gone. You may never know why.

Take as much time and space as you need. Lean on your husband, but give him space to grieve as well.

 
The Following User Says Thank You to janewhite1 For This Useful Post:
SoulSearcher11 (11-22-2011)
Old 12-07-2011, 03:19 PM   #3
Newbie
(female)
 
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Colorado Springs, CO, USA
Posts: 2
grammieann HB User
Re: Why I lost my baby?

Dear SoulSearcher11,

It's been a couple of weeks since you posted ~ I hope you are doing OK. I'm so, so sorry about your loss. Healing is a process, and it's good you are reaching out for TLC and support.

I think it's only natural for a mother to wonder if she did something wrong. We moms feel so responsible for our children ~ even in the womb. <3 In the vast majority of pregnancy losses, though, it's not something the mom did. Something just went wrong, and we can't explain why.

I'm a Christian, and as hard as this is to comprehend, I don't think it is something God did to you, either. I'm so touched by the way you've described your little one ~ it's obvious how much you loved him and still do. If you haven't already, it may help to write your memories and thoughts in a journal, and to put together a keepsake box with his ultrasound pictures, journal notes, condolence cards, etc. Some couples make a memorial contribution to a favorite charity each year as a way to honor their babies' lives.

Also, as you're processing things, I wonder if your hospital or doctor could refer you to a pregnancy loss support group. You might also look for a grief counselor if you feel counseling would help you right now. Whatever you do, please don't go through this alone.

Bless you.

grammieann

Last edited by Administrator; 12-07-2011 at 05:49 PM.

 
Closed Thread

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Board Replies Last Post
I lost my girlfriend and love of my life Matt1 Grief & Loss 27 05-20-2014 04:34 AM
Lost my mom and world feels so cold now. AnneinPhilly Grief & Loss 25 01-28-2013 08:08 AM
lost my mum and my sister ogs2003 Grief & Loss 3 08-31-2011 10:15 PM
we recently lost our grandson of 3 days old peggy46 Grief & Loss 5 08-21-2010 09:21 AM
I lost my baby ='( RyansMom21809 Grief & Loss 8 05-08-2009 01:33 PM




Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off




Join Our Newsletter

Stay healthy through tips curated by our health experts.

Whoops,

There was a problem adding your email Try again

Thank You

Your email has been added








TOP THANKED CONTRIBUTORS



Ivorygirl (13), rosequartz (11), slenderella (8), writeleft (4), JJ (4), caringsister54 (3), jesseca (3), Charlyssa (3), Kszan (2), sjb (2)

Site Wide Totals

teteri66 (1164), MSJayhawk (997), Apollo123 (898), Titchou (832), janewhite1 (823), Gabriel (758), ladybud (745), sammy64 (666), midwest1 (665), BlueSkies14 (610)



All times are GMT -7. The time now is 02:12 AM.



Site owned and operated by HealthBoards.comô
Terms of Use © 1998-2014 HealthBoards.comô All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!