It is been 12 days since I lost my precious lil boy. I am not sure if I can finish this blog ever... but I ll try. He was 34 weeks when we had a routine U/S and the doctor said he is measuring small for his age - SGA. But everything else looked normal. I kind of freaked out since I was having bad dreams lately. I asked the OB, If I should take leaves or quit my job. She said no..lets do a routine U/S next week, and we will see how much he gains meanwhile. A day before the U/S I felt he was not kicking much. So I played loud music, still nothing. Suddenly I had this weird feeling. I was knowing something is grossly wrong, yet I was not facing it. That was my favourite music, yet I switched it off. Not even my wild dreams did I expect he would have left me. Oh! He is just sleeping I thought. Usually, he would respond to me so well. I would just think "I wish u give one kick"..and he would start punching. Such a deep connection created that denial I guess. Anyways we have an appointment tomorrow. The next day when we went for the U/S the technician did a check and rushed to call the Doc. I asked her is evrything fine and she said she has to get the doc. Oh my god...was my queasy feeling true then... his dad ..oh poor dad..not knowing any of this..was brushing my hand ..saying everything is fine.. Doc walks in and checks again ..and said ... the "baby passed away" . Oh god... I was dead for a split second. His dad (first time dad ever)... rose up asking "r u sure doc ?" we called him Cutu..ever since he was 3 months old. I felt him kicking around 14 weeks old. I loved him so much .. I would sing songs to him.. Never raised a child, I was getting there.. ever since he was conceived, we started being more religious, doing service in the temple. So that we can bring him up in a good environment and he gains from the positive vibes. This year has been so tough on us. Every month we had a notorious thing to handle - I was out of job for a month, got Tax problems, had to defend my masters, and what not. Yet the baby kept us going.
I dreaded labor pains and so I took childbirth classes. Little did I know, I will be induced to give birth to my first baby I ever conceived knowing he will not cry, once he is out. I went through labor - contraction and all of the pain, only to realize it was the cord that got around him. The very cord that provided nourishment would be the source of misery. My heart crashes imagining how much pain he would have undergone... and me - the crazy mother - had no idea. I am not a very pretty person (atleast thats what I thought) and always hoped my baby got his dad looks... my lil cutu had a head full of hair and had big eyes, rosy lips and a cute lil nose... boy! he was the cutest baby I had ever seen. only if his heart throbbed.
I don't know if I can ever do anything right in my life ever. If I can go back to work, if I can give birth again. If I can pray to god again, if I can take bath again. He had been a part of me in all I did... we were so inseparable. My collegues would ask me "u tired of being pregnant"? And I would say "No..I am used to him now."
will I ever be myself again. Don't even know that self of mine. All I remember is me and Cutu. Where was my mistake..I keep asking this question a 100 times each day? Should I have quit my job when doc said baby is small. The doc said this happens to 1 in 100 pregnancies. I ask.. why me? In my life, I have tried to help anyone I can, lived an ethical life and been nice to people. Everyone says there is a big plan. What plan is it that snatched my baby from me. I hope I can talk to god and know why he did this to us. I feel so vacant and empty. I try not to be sad when my hubby is around.. to give him strength.. but I am just so shallow within...
Last edited by SoulSearcher11; 11-22-2011 at 09:55 AM.
It's been a couple of weeks since you posted ~ I hope you are doing OK. I'm so, so sorry about your loss. Healing is a process, and it's good you are reaching out for TLC and support.
I think it's only natural for a mother to wonder if she did something wrong. We moms feel so responsible for our children ~ even in the womb. <3 In the vast majority of pregnancy losses, though, it's not something the mom did. Something just went wrong, and we can't explain why.
I'm a Christian, and as hard as this is to comprehend, I don't think it is something God did to you, either. I'm so touched by the way you've described your little one ~ it's obvious how much you loved him and still do. If you haven't already, it may help to write your memories and thoughts in a journal, and to put together a keepsake box with his ultrasound pictures, journal notes, condolence cards, etc. Some couples make a memorial contribution to a favorite charity each year as a way to honor their babies' lives.
Also, as you're processing things, I wonder if your hospital or doctor could refer you to a pregnancy loss support group. You might also look for a grief counselor if you feel counseling would help you right now. Whatever you do, please don't go through this alone.
Last edited by Administrator; 12-07-2011 at 06:49 PM.