It appears you have not yet Signed Up with our community. To Sign Up for free, please click here....



Grief & Loss Message Board
Post New Thread   Closed Thread
LinkBack Thread Tools
Old 01-01-2012, 12:16 AM   #1
Junior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: NYC area
Posts: 38
cme1017 HB User
lost Mom on Christmas - hearbroken

I lost my Mom suddenly on Christmas Day. She had been disabled with COPD and heart problems for many years, but that's not what killed her - it was an aneurysm that burst. I had been her sole caretaker for the last 10 years and unfortunately, I was resentful and stymied by her stubbornness to help herself. She was extremely grateful to me, and expressed it all the time, - said she would have had to leave her house if it wasn't for me - but I should have been so much kinder to her. I was always there for her, and I'm sure she was comforted by that, but I did as little as possible and did not spend enough quality time with her. The last few years I lost patience with her more times that I can count and felt she was a burden and a responsibility I did not feel I could handle. I worried about her all the time. Also, seeing your mom deteriorate is horrible. She was a wonderful mother when we were growing up, and my biggest supporter and best friend and the last few years I had forgotten that. I am so sad and heartbroken. I am not much of a believer in God because she suffered so much with the COPD and it limited her so that she was a shell of the person she once was - vibrant and active, and she was such a good Christian that I lost faith because if there is a God, why did my Mom suffer so much? We were poor, her whole family (except her kids) were dead. I have 2 older brothers who did very little to help her or me, and I was angry at them which upset my mother so much - it upset her so to see bad feelings between the kids, but I couldn't keep my mouth shut - thinking only of myself. She had a wonderful last night on Earth - Christmas Eve (when we celebrate Christmas) with all her kids and grand kids and surprising (for our family) there were no fights and a lot of laughs. But I don't know how I can go on without her here with me. I've been either crying, throwing up, or in a daze, and it hasn't let up. I've been told that I'll always miss her, but I will start to remember the good times, not the last years when she was helpless and disabled. I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can't stop crying and feeling sad. I just want to be numb.

 
Sponsors Lightbulb
   
Old 01-01-2012, 10:41 PM   #2
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
flipfleury's Avatar
 
Join Date: Mar 2011
Location: San Jose,Ca USA
Posts: 705
flipfleury HB Userflipfleury HB Userflipfleury HB Userflipfleury HB Userflipfleury HB Userflipfleury HB Userflipfleury HB Userflipfleury HB Userflipfleury HB Userflipfleury HB Userflipfleury HB User
Re: lost Mom on Christmas - hearbroken

Quote:
Originally Posted by cme1017 View Post
I lost my Mom suddenly on Christmas Day. She had been disabled with COPD and heart problems for many years, but that's not what killed her - it was an aneurysm that burst. I had been her sole caretaker for the last 10 years and unfortunately, I was resentful and stymied by her stubbornness to help herself. She was extremely grateful to me, and expressed it all the time, - said she would have had to leave her house if it wasn't for me - but I should have been so much kinder to her. I was always there for her, and I'm sure she was comforted by that, but I did as little as possible and did not spend enough quality time with her. The last few years I lost patience with her more times that I can count and felt she was a burden and a responsibility I did not feel I could handle. I worried about her all the time. Also, seeing your mom deteriorate is horrible. She was a wonderful mother when we were growing up, and my biggest supporter and best friend and the last few years I had forgotten that. I am so sad and heartbroken. I am not much of a believer in God because she suffered so much with the COPD and it limited her so that she was a shell of the person she once was - vibrant and active, and she was such a good Christian that I lost faith because if there is a God, why did my Mom suffer so much? We were poor, her whole family (except her kids) were dead. I have 2 older brothers who did very little to help her or me, and I was angry at them which upset my mother so much - it upset her so to see bad feelings between the kids, but I couldn't keep my mouth shut - thinking only of myself. She had a wonderful last night on Earth - Christmas Eve (when we celebrate Christmas) with all her kids and grand kids and surprising (for our family) there were no fights and a lot of laughs. But I don't know how I can go on without her here with me. I've been either crying, throwing up, or in a daze, and it hasn't let up. I've been told that I'll always miss her, but I will start to remember the good times, not the last years when she was helpless and disabled. I can't sleep, I can't eat, I can't stop crying and feeling sad. I just want to be numb.
First I want to say how sorry I am for the loss of your mother. It sounds like she was a wonderful Christian woman and a great mom to you and your siblings. It's very difficult to take care of someone you love and care about and watch their health go downhill for so long. The feelings you're experiencing are normal. If your mom was under the care of a hospice program then you're eligible to receive free counseling and attend their support groups. I really encourage you to contact them and take advantage of their counseling they offer. If you have a friend or another member you can talk with about your feelings then do it. Be kind and gentle with yourself and don't beat yourself up with what you would've,could've,should haves. You did want you could do at that time.
I am a certified home health aide with a hospice program in Sunnyvale,CA. and I see patients hang on to life until certain events take place then they feel the peace in their heart enough to let go of life very soon after the event has passed. It sounds as though that might have been the case with your mom and that's why she lived until she spent her last Christmas Eve with her family and then was able to let go on Christmas Day. One way to look at this to think about that she spent Christmas with Jesus her Lord and Savior. You may be to think about this in your brain but so much harder to do it in your heart because you feel so brokenhearted. I always feel so bad for families that lose a loved one around the holidays. It always seems like it's so much harder to deal with grieving around the holidays. May God Bless You for all that you did for your mom !

 
The following user gives a hug of support to flipfleury:
cme1017 (01-02-2012)
The Following User Says Thank You to flipfleury For This Useful Post:
cme1017 (01-02-2012)
Old 01-03-2012, 08:30 AM   #3
Junior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: NYC area
Posts: 38
cme1017 HB User
Re: lost Mom on Christmas - hearbroken

Dear Flipfuery,

I cannot thank you enough for your response. It really made me think of things I never had before. The part about my and I see patients hang on to life until certain events take place then they feel the peace in their heart enough to let go of life very soon after the event has passed really hit home for me. I felt so much more at ease after that - it was a real eye opener, and I believe true in my Mom's case. This make not make sense, but I also think when my Mom passed, she was still protecting me - she passed when my brother from Oregon was home (unfortunately he witnessed it) because otherwise I would have found her. And she knew my brothers would take care of things and of me - I'm tough on the outside but a marshmallow on the inside. In 2004 when she had open heart surgery, she took my hand and said to me alone "Be brave" so she knew that my love and caring for her, I would take it the hardest, and even towards the end of her life with all her health issues, she always worried about me. This all seems very rambling, but you really helped me with your comment, and opened my eyes and I looked at things differently and can't thank you enough for the peace and comfort you've given me. Bless you.

 
Old 01-03-2012, 08:32 AM   #4
Junior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: NYC area
Posts: 38
cme1017 HB User
Re: lost Mom on Christmas - hearbroken

Quote:
Originally Posted by cme1017 View Post
Dear Flipfuery,

I cannot thank you enough for your response. It really made me think of things I never had before. The part about my and I see patients hang on to life until certain events take place then they feel the peace in their heart enough to let go of life very soon after the event has passed really hit home for me. I felt so much more at ease after that - it was a real eye opener, and I believe true in my Mom's case. This make not make sense, but I also think when my Mom passed, she was still protecting me - she passed when my brother from Oregon was home (unfortunately he witnessed it) because otherwise I would have found her. And she knew my brothers would take care of things and of me - I'm tough on the outside but a marshmallow on the inside. In 2004 when she had open heart surgery, she took my hand and said to me alone "Be brave" so she knew that my love and caring for her, I would take it the hardest, and even towards the end of her life with all her health issues, she always worried about me. This all seems very rambling, but you really helped me with your comment, and opened my eyes and I looked at things differently and can't thank you enough for the peace and comfort you've given me. Bless you.

 
Old 01-03-2012, 08:42 AM   #5
Senior Veteran
(female)
 
rosequartz's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2005
Location: Chicago,IL
Posts: 10,232
rosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB Userrosequartz HB User
Re: lost Mom on Christmas - hearbroken

I'm so sorry for your loss, and hope that you can find peace. It's hard taking care of a parent, and resentment is normal.....I know you loved her, and she knew too. She was a great mom, and you were a great daughter and a great help. That will never change. I'm glad your last memories of her are good, and glad that her last day was enjoyable. That would give me some comfort.

 
The following user gives a hug of support to rosequartz:
cme1017 (01-03-2012)
The Following User Says Thank You to rosequartz For This Useful Post:
cme1017 (01-03-2012)
Old 01-10-2012, 10:17 AM   #6
Junior Member
(female)
 
Join Date: May 2010
Location: NYC area
Posts: 38
cme1017 HB User
Thumbs up Re: lost Mom on Christmas - hearbroken

I would just like to thank everyone who responded to me. I still have my moments and suppose I always will, but I am finally remembering the times when my Mom was young and vibrant and such a good Mom to all us kids. I appreciated the inspirational message about people leaving us when they are at peace. I think that was certainly true in my Mom's case. I also think the fact that when she died, my brother Jeff from Oregon was with her, and she adored him (only saw him at Christmas, but he called frequently) and I think that is another way Mom was still protecting me. If my brother was not there, I would have found her, and I would probably end up in the hospital as I don't think I could handle that at all. So I think she knew the whole family would be together and unite and help each other. Thank you again everyone who gave me inspiration and hope and their condolences. It really made me feel I was not alone and nothing I was experiencing was unusual, and that I was good to her in life and gave her great comfort.

 
Closed Thread

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Board Replies Last Post
Lost my mom and world feels so cold now. AnneinPhilly Grief & Loss 25 01-28-2013 08:08 AM
25 Years Old, Lost Both Parents and Have No Siblings-Help MissDK Grief & Loss 17 08-26-2011 07:40 PM
My husband lost his battle with lung cancer today Marty444 Grief & Loss 14 07-28-2011 04:35 PM
Lost my husband Nov 09 2010 canusa2 Grief & Loss 6 03-15-2011 05:45 AM
I lost my beloved Husband of 34 yrs 5 weeks ago dask27 Grief & Loss 11 11-05-2009 05:09 PM




Thread Tools

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is Off
HTML code is Off
Trackbacks are Off
Pingbacks are Off
Refbacks are Off




Join Our Newsletter

Stay healthy through tips curated by our health experts.

Whoops,

There was a problem adding your email Try again

Thank You

Your email has been added








TOP THANKED CONTRIBUTORS



Ivorygirl (13), rosequartz (11), slenderella (8), writeleft (4), JJ (4), caringsister54 (3), Charlyssa (3), jesseca (3), Titchou (2), Kszan (2)

Site Wide Totals

teteri66 (1139), MSJayhawk (943), Apollo123 (860), janewhite1 (823), Titchou (774), Gabriel (743), ladybud (667), sammy64 (666), midwest1 (655), BlueSkies14 (610)



All times are GMT -7. The time now is 09:28 AM.



Site owned and operated by HealthBoards.com™
Copyright and Terms of Use © 1998-2014 HealthBoards.comô All rights reserved.
Do not copy or redistribute in any form!