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Old 01-09-2012, 08:51 PM   #1
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: pittsburgh, pa, usa
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twinsmomma23 HB User
Unhappy im 23 years old and ive lost 5 kids my mother, all my grandparents and lots more

hello. let me introduce myself... my names stasia. im just barely 23 years old and ive lost wayyy too many ppl imo. let me start from the begining. i wasnt really raised by my parents FULLY my nana, papa, and uncle joe raised me atleast partially. when i was 9 my papa passed away and thats really when my life went downhill. my uncle joe found him. he was on the toilet and had a heart attack. a few hours before he was found my papa called me and asked me to come up and spend time with him, but i was too busy. i blamed myself for a long time for his death. 2 yrs later my uncle joe died. that hit me ALMOST the hardest, only second to my kids and my mommy. after his death my mom decided to move us from our home town, where ALL of our family was, and moved to indianapolis where we knew no one but her bf at the time who wound up leaving her a few months after we moved there. fortionately a great family found us and "adopted" us. they were GREAT! but after a few years we were ripped away from our family once again and moved back to our home town. about 6 months after that my adopted papaw died and i was unable to go to the funeral and still unable to go to his grave. just 2 months later my best friend, who was more like a sister to me, was murdered, mind you i was barely 17 at this point. i was not permitted to go to her funeral also because her step dad was racist and my mom's bf at the time was black. she was creamated so once again not able to really get a closure at all. 7 months later i become pregnant with my first child after being told that my husband would never have a child of his own. we looked at her like a miracle, but that dream was cut short because we lost her at 12 weeks. for those of you who dont believe that a miscarriage is a loss you have obviously never had one. i went through the entire labor from first contractions to birth of the placenta at home most of the time unknowingly. this hit me extremely hard. not 6 months later we fall pregnant again. yet again we lose it again, this time not even 2 days after i found out i was pregnant. so we decided to give it a rest and try to focus on us. a year later we try again and yet again we lose it. this raises red flags with my ob and he is FINALLY ready to start testing on us. we find out that my body produces blood clots in the babies, quick fix need to be on meds BEFORE we conceive to keep this from happening. we decide to try again so im put straight on the meds and told we can start trying in about a month. so we wait a month and start trying. we fall pregnant fairly quickly, 3 months to be exact, this time when we go in for our initial exam im told that im 3 months pregnant. were surprised and worried at the same time because i had just skipped my 1st period so i was worried that i bled through 2 months of being pregnant. we go right away for an ultrasound. i PLAINLY see 2 sacs, but my ultrasound tech argues that its 1 baby and 1 blood clot. finally i insist i want a dr to look at the ultrasound. the dr agrees with me, but feels that 1 is not viable and will not survive. we worry for 1 long week til we can get back in with my dr. he tells me that he believes both are viable but i have just turned my pregnancy from a high risk needing to be seen every 2 weeks6 to extremely high risk and needing to be seen once a week til i get closer then switch to twice a week. i take every precaution but at 24 weeks im rushed to the er for preterm labor. fortionately they were able to stop it and i was put on STRICT bed rest and put to twice a week at that very point. i got to 36w6d and at that dr apt they found that i had a very bad case of pre eclampsia to the point my dr said that he felt it was a true miracle that we all survived. both kids were extremely healthy and were able to stay with me the entire time. great i finally feel like i hit a lucky streak. til 9 months later we become pregnant completely by accident and by the time we figure it out and get on the meds its too late and i have a miscarriage 2 weeks later. 9 months later this happens again. (we took every precaution not to get pregnant but my hubby cant use condoms as it bothers him and apparantly not all birth controls work for me.) a week after that loss my mommy passes away very suddenly. im talking she was fine that morning and by 7:30 that night she was being rushed to the hospital and by 6am the next morning she had passed away. i sat with her in icu from midnight that night until well after she passed away minus the times i was kicked out of the room because she flat lined. i was the only one in the room when she actually passed. i made the decision not to resuscitate her. she did have a husband, but he was really going by what i said because when this all started i told him he had better not sign any paper saying not to help her. the last time they did cpr the nurse let me stay in the room. i could hear her ribs cracking as they did this and afterwords the dr told me that IF she came through she would most definately be a vegitable. this killed me especially because i knew she would not want that at all. by this point she was flat lining ever 5 mins so i knew he was right and i was just forcing her to suffer. so i went out in the waiting room long enough to tell her husband to sign the papers and went back to sit with my mom so that she wouldnt be alone when she died. i was the only one there when she actually went. my dad, my brother, my husband could not handle it and her hubby really didnt care to be in there. my grandma had not yet made it to the hospital so there was no one else but me. i sat with her and talked to her and made her a promise, that i full well intend to keep, that my kids will know her even if she is not here anymore. my mom was my best friend she was everything to me i mean she knew ALL of my deepest darkest secrets even the ones that my hubby to this day doesnt know. this tore me up and still does to this day a year later. i still pick up the phone to call her. now as if this wasnt enough not even 6 months later ON MY MOM'S BIRTHDAY her mom passed away, which happened to be the nana that partially raised me. this yet again made me feel like i was losing my mom all over again. then just recently on december 9th which is my anniversary i lost my last grandma. this is the grandma from indianapolis so once again im unable to go to the funeral this time because i had a family to support and i certainly did NOT have the money to go.

im sorry this was so long i did not mean for that to happen at all. i just wanted to kinda introduce myself and explain why im here and thank you for taking the time to listen to my depressing story i really appreciate it.

 
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Old 01-16-2012, 08:12 AM   #2
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Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Bangor, Maine; United States of America
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questiongirl22 HB User
Re: im 23 years old and ive lost 5 kids my mother, all my grandparents and lots more

Hello,
I read your message...and there is NO reason for you to apologize. You have been through A LOT....and you need to give yourself credit for that and never feel like your a bother to others when you talk about it because you NEED to. I am a FIRM believer in the saying, "what doesn't kill you only makes you stronger".....it might feel like you are dying inside...but you are still here...and you may not see it but you are a much stronger person then before and you are going to be a great role model and mommy to your children. Good luck and God Bless..

 
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