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Old 01-21-2012, 01:02 AM   #1
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guilt over Mom's death

The loss and loneliness of my Mom have made me non-functional. It's only been 3 weeks but the guilt I feel is overwhelming. I had been her sole caretaker for the last 10 years, but certainly the last 5 I did not treat her with respect and selfishly thought only of the burden on me of all I had to do for her, and what's worse is she knew it. I was embarrassed by her and didn't really want to spend time with her. I would do the chores I had to and then split - no quality time. And I knew at the time that I should do more for her but I didn't. She deserved better. And I'm ashamed of myself for that and also how weak I am and can't cope. I'm afraid I'm going to be put in a hospital for exhaustion and grief and I'm afraid of that. I've seen grief counselors and feel better talking to them, but soon as I leave I'm sad again. I can't sleep because for sure the waterworks start then. I also have treatment resistant depression which is probably making everything worse . I am just wallowing in self pity and do not feel the strength to do anything to try and help myself. My Mom was 85 and in ill health, altho that's not what killed her. At times I even wished for her death, again selfishly, but if I was in her condition - disabled, home-bound, and with emphysema getting worse and worse, I wouldn't want to live like that, but I know she did want to live. I would not commit suicide as I have a niece and nephew and I wouldn't want them to ever consider that as a way out, but I frankly don't care if I live or die. I am 54 and single, and I never did want to marry, have good good friends but I don't want to burden them either, and talking about it just makes me cry anyway and I don't think believe anyone can help. No one will every worry and love you like your Mom.

 
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Old 01-21-2012, 07:45 AM   #2
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Re: guilt over Mom's death

What you're feeling and thinking is completely normal as you grieve for your mom. Don't beat yourself up over what you could've,and should've because that is false quilt. You did the very best you could do. It's very hard to be the soul caregiver of a family member. It's not only physically draining but emotionally as well. Sometimes we often feel like the sick family doesn't even appreciate what you're doing, but they do. Many times the sick family member even takes their frustrations and anger out on their primary caregiver because they know deep down in their heart you won't leave them and that you really do care about them. Continue to seek help from grief counselors as they are trained on how to help people move the grieving process step by step. I understand and what you're going through as I took care of a good friend for 3 years, full time live in for the last year and a half of her life. I ended up being clinically depressed and felt suicidal quite a few times during that last year and a half.

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Old 01-21-2012, 08:13 AM   #3
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Re: guilt over Mom's death

How can you stop beating yourself up and feeling guilty? I can't, even knowing that the biggest thing was that she could count on me for anything - I was always always there for her for anything. And she was always thanking me and I didn't even feel worthy of her praise at the time because there was so much more I could have done and did not - specifically chose not to do more because of thinking of myself.

 
Old 03-02-2012, 12:27 AM   #4
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Re: guilt over Mom's death

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Originally Posted by cme1017 View Post
How can you stop beating yourself up and feeling guilty? I can't, even knowing that the biggest thing was that she could count on me for anything - I was always always there for her for anything. And she was always thanking me and I didn't even feel worthy of her praise at the time because there was so much more I could have done and did not - specifically chose not to do more because of thinking of myself.
Sometimes when I was caring for my husband, I felt so trapped. What you are going through is normal and you did give her a home. It is not easy being a carer and sometimes despite all our best efforts we get short and snappy. I hated putting my husband into aged care but had he fallen on me I would not have been able to nurse him. He was wonderful and a very patient man.
Don't beat yourself up about this, I am sure your mother thinks you did a terrific job even if you don't.

 
Old 06-19-2012, 06:01 PM   #5
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Re: guilt over Mom's death

I am sort of in the same boat. My mom was taking ambien incorrectly and her mind wasnt right. She was shaking, falling, screaming at night and very depressed. I took her to the hospital once when she was freaking out and I yelled at her to shut up I couldnt handle the whole situation. I dont think i ever apologized although i did see her after and gave her a hug but I never really apologized. We were waiting for pre-auth from the insurance we decided to wait one more week but the day before we were going to do something she died alone. My sister and I did try but we should have done more. The guilt and sorrow is just overbearing, Im not sure how Im going to handle it. I just wanted to tell you, you are not alone and I hope you work it out.

 
Old 06-28-2012, 12:29 PM   #6
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Re: guilt over Mom's death

Quote:
Originally Posted by cme1017 View Post
The loss and loneliness of my Mom have made me non-functional. It's only been 3 weeks but the guilt I feel is overwhelming. I had been her sole caretaker for the last 10 years, but certainly the last 5 I did not treat her with respect and selfishly thought only of the burden on me of all I had to do for her, and what's worse is she knew it. I was embarrassed by her and didn't really want to spend time with her. I would do the chores I had to and then split - no quality time. And I knew at the time that I should do more for her but I didn't. She deserved better. And I'm ashamed of myself for that and also how weak I am and can't cope. I'm afraid I'm going to be put in a hospital for exhaustion and grief and I'm afraid of that. I've seen grief counselors and feel better talking to them, but soon as I leave I'm sad again. I can't sleep because for sure the waterworks start then. I also have treatment resistant depression which is probably making everything worse . I am just wallowing in self pity and do not feel the strength to do anything to try and help myself. My Mom was 85 and in ill health, altho that's not what killed her. At times I even wished for her death, again selfishly, but if I was in her condition - disabled, home-bound, and with emphysema getting worse and worse, I wouldn't want to live like that, but I know she did want to live. I would not commit suicide as I have a niece and nephew and I wouldn't want them to ever consider that as a way out, but I frankly don't care if I live or die. I am 54 and single, and I never did want to marry, have good good friends but I don't want to burden them either, and talking about it just makes me cry anyway and I don't think believe anyone can help. No one will every worry and love you like your Mom.
I think what's happening is that you need more emotional reassurance than just a once a week counseling visit. You are probably fearful right now and being alone makes you more aware of how insecure and vulnerable you feel. Maybe a back and forth with someone you trust, possibly someone on here would help to just 'out' your emotions and help give you more of a sense of control and peace of mind with what you are going through.

 
Old 06-28-2012, 03:08 PM   #7
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Re: guilt over Mom's death

You were her sole caretaker for 10 years, stop being so hard on yourself. She was a lucky woman to have you in her life you could have put her in a home. By all means grieve your loss, but then it is time to look after yourself lean on your friends a bit, let people look after you for a change.
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