Not accepting my mothers death
Hello - I found this site while trying to google what I"m dealing with. My mother passed away 2/19/12 - just one day after her birthday. She was only 57. She had Crohns and was having a bad time with it. She was in & out of the hospital about 3 times this past year. The most recent time was in January. She was home, and told me that she was feeling better and able to eat without being sick. I thought she was finally on her way to being the mom I remembered her to be before she got sick.
Then out of the blue, I got the call. My brother called me hysterical telling me that my mom was gone. I raced over there like a lunatic, because I was so sure this was not true. I had just talked to her 2 days ago. As I reached the house, cops were there, neighbors and my brother crying on the porch. My mom was gone.
I found out later from her boyfriend that she had been lying to me. She was never better. Once she got home from the hospital, she was bedridden. She couldn't' walk at all, her legs were swollen and they caused her great pain. Per her death certificate, she died from coronary artery disease, listing crohns & her smoking has the secondary causes.
I'm realizing now that she gave up. She just didn't want to go on. She stopped taking her medicine, she stopped talking to her family & friends.
Part of me is still so angry at her, why did she lie to me? Why did she not let me help her? I am so mad! i want to scream at her, but most of all I just want her back.
I have cried, I have screamed. My heart knows she is gone, and it breaks everyday when I wake up knowing that she is gone. But my brain isn't letting me accept it. I don't really understand what is happening.