Need advice - how to get it out of my head!
Excuse any typos as I am not in my normal state of mind after this past day.
I'm 23 and I found my mother dead in her bed this morning. She was only 49 years old. I came home from school this summer (which I usually just take summer courses) because I felt I needed to spend time with my father who is actually in not so great health just because I constantly worry he's going to go downhill while I'm gone and I won't have enough time with him. He in retired military and I didn't get to spend much time with him growing up - unlike I did with my mother. However, my mom was the one to pass =/ I know death never has an easy explanation and everyone responds differently but I feel as though I have cried as much as I can .. It comes in waves .. I'll be great one minute then the next it's just BAM .. I haven't slept in 24 hours .. and it isn't because I don't want to .. it's because my body just WILL NOT LET ME! .. Let alone, the visual picture of how I found her flashes back and forth behind my eyelids like I'm reliving the whole thing ..
The coroner says it looks like a massive heart attack. They say doing an autopsy is our choice but without it being foul play that it isn't recommended .. unless WE want it. My sis and I think she should have one just for our family history to know (being strokes/heart attacks/high chol/diabetes run on BOTH sides ..) but my dad is TORN to shreds and just can't deal with it, in which I understand.
We were trying to think of why should would have a heart attack so young .. she never had any heart problems .. but here were the factors, so give me your opinion on it - whether or not you'd say heart attack or stroke .. I guess only to make me feel better? I know you can't know for sure but opinions can be helpful .. anything can be helpful..I just need to talk about it all I think. So here they are:
1) Heavy smoker (sadly)
2) Weird sleep patterns - she could sleep fine one day then not be able to get a wink of sleep another .. she was going on about 30 hours NO sleep.
3) Lies in bed because of chronic back/neck pain from past incidents
4) Even without any sleep and with a painful back/neck she HAD to paint her bedroom that day and was goin at a crazy speed.
5) She had been complaining prob 4 days worth of a pain stemming from under her right breast down her rib cage and around .. and she said it was actually moving up toward her armpit..the pain was so uncomfortable she stayed in bed .. but then the day before death she claimed the pain was gone .. she felt fine. We are thinking could this possibly be a pulmonary embolism? blood clot? I mean smoking and such raises the chances right?
I walked in thinking she had fallen asleep with a cig in her hand like she occasionally did .. so I went and dribbled water on it .. and I REALLY didnt want to wake her up because I was happy she was finally able to get some sleep but then I was like wait .. the cig was recently lit but it had burnt out and her hand looked funny and I looked at her face thinking she must have accidentally rubbed ashes on her face .. but then I realized .. I've seen this on all those shows on tv .. holy **** .. she's dead .. so I shook her =( I screamed..and i ran outside to get my sister ..
I can't get the image of her laying there in bed out of my head .. I can't get the cold feel out of the hand I used to shake her. Her eyes were closed .. so I am HOPING and PRAYING she was asleep when this happened.
The coroner said she'd been dead for about 2 hours, however, I looked online and some places said she'd still be slightly warm to the touch if it was 2 hours .. she was stiff and FREEZING - ICE cold .. I'm just not sure it was 2 hours ..
I'm not one to think 'I could have done this to prevent it .. what if I could have been there' .. My mom was a big believer in 'when it's your time..it's your time and you're going to go one way or another..I just hope it's fast for me' .. They told us she went fast .. sometimes I wonder if they say to make you feel better but I truly believe it happened fast.
The bigger issue - my dad wasn't around when it happened. He was out fishing with his buddies on the gulf which is about 2 hours from my house .. My sis met him down there to tell him because of his past heart problems himself we didn't want to have another ordeal on our hands.
I've seen my father cry ONCE and it was after major heart surgery .. he is a hard core military man and nothing can make this man cry. I can't handle seeing him like this .. He's so heartbroken, angry, confused, blaming himself .. I don't know how to make him feel alright .. he doesn't do the whole financing portion of the relationship .. my mom did all the bills and had it all organized .. I told him I can figure it out .. I know I can .. but I also still have to go back to school in August. I just don't know what the heck to do .. My sis is trying to be a rock and I know she breaks .. she's going to CRUMBLE .. I don't know anymore =( I'm so lost. I was the closest one to her..I was the baby .. everyone is more worried about me than anyone else .. and I can't understand why .. only because I feel selfish as he** because I'm worried about my future .. and I'm so angry she left us without telling us how to do things!
I. AM. SO. MAD. SOO. MAD! I feel sick ..