My 23 year old fiance died two weeks ago.
I lost my fiance to Lupus a little over two weeks ago and all I keep thinking is how badly I want him back. The day after his 23rd birthday, he had a stroke and lost all brain function.
I feel like I can't even breathe sometimes.
The first night, when I tried to go to sleep, I laid in bed for hours alternating between bouts of crying and having nightmares. My body trembled the whole time. I felt cold. I was in shock. This sudden and devastating loss completely blind-sided me. I had no idea just how aggressive Lupus could become. His body simply stopped responding to the medications and I feel a tremendous amount of guilt because he kept this development from me in an effort to spare me so I could work and function without worrying about him.
I'm also 23 and this is my first real experience with death. We moved from Philadelphia to North Hollywood this past year, so when it happened, I was completely alone. The hospital granted me priority in making major medical decisions, but I had to interact with his estranged and imbalanced mother just to get the authority over his body after he passed.
He and I had been in each others' lives since we were babies. We were friends first and started dating at 13 and 14 years old. He is the only person with whom I've shared every aspect of my life; my secrets, my hopes, my fears, my fantasies, my dreams, and more.
I'm atheist; but if I could choose one phrase to describe our relationship it would be soul mates. There is no one in my life that I was closer to. No one who could understand the pain, guilt, frustration, loneliness, and sorrow I feel. We had so many plans for the future; we were going to get married and have babies. We had career paths. We were going to vacation in San Fransisco this September.
Every day has been a chore just to wake up, let alone feed myself. I have lost all desire to do anything. I feel like I'm spiraling out of control. All I can do is weep for how badly I want him back. It still comes as a surprise when I wake up and realize, again, that he is gone. I wear his clothes just to feel some semblance of closeness to him.
People keep telling me that it'll get easier; that I'll move on; that time will mend my broken heart, but they wouldn't say those things to me if they could only understand just how deep my love for him is and always will be.
I know I'm young, but he has been my rock, my cheerleader, and my best friend since we were children. He was the love of my life and I know I will never again find someone who knows me so completely. If I live to be an old woman, I may still have to survive some 70+ years without him and I just don't think I can bear it.
No matter how many tears I cry, no matter how empty I feel, no matter how hard I try to keep on living, there's just nothing that can relieve me from this heartache.
I just don't know how to make the pain go away.