I lost my fiance to Lupus a little over two weeks ago and all I keep thinking is how badly I want him back. The day after his 23rd birthday, he had a stroke and lost all brain function.
I feel like I can't even breathe sometimes.
The first night, when I tried to go to sleep, I laid in bed for hours alternating between bouts of crying and having nightmares. My body trembled the whole time. I felt cold. I was in shock. This sudden and devastating loss completely blind-sided me. I had no idea just how aggressive Lupus could become. His body simply stopped responding to the medications and I feel a tremendous amount of guilt because he kept this development from me in an effort to spare me so I could work and function without worrying about him.
I'm also 23 and this is my first real experience with death. We moved from Philadelphia to North Hollywood this past year, so when it happened, I was completely alone. The hospital granted me priority in making major medical decisions, but I had to interact with his estranged and imbalanced mother just to get the authority over his body after he passed.
He and I had been in each others' lives since we were babies. We were friends first and started dating at 13 and 14 years old. He is the only person with whom I've shared every aspect of my life; my secrets, my hopes, my fears, my fantasies, my dreams, and more.
I'm atheist; but if I could choose one phrase to describe our relationship it would be soul mates. There is no one in my life that I was closer to. No one who could understand the pain, guilt, frustration, loneliness, and sorrow I feel. We had so many plans for the future; we were going to get married and have babies. We had career paths. We were going to vacation in San Fransisco this September.
Every day has been a chore just to wake up, let alone feed myself. I have lost all desire to do anything. I feel like I'm spiraling out of control. All I can do is weep for how badly I want him back. It still comes as a surprise when I wake up and realize, again, that he is gone. I wear his clothes just to feel some semblance of closeness to him.
People keep telling me that it'll get easier; that I'll move on; that time will mend my broken heart, but they wouldn't say those things to me if they could only understand just how deep my love for him is and always will be.
I know I'm young, but he has been my rock, my cheerleader, and my best friend since we were children. He was the love of my life and I know I will never again find someone who knows me so completely. If I live to be an old woman, I may still have to survive some 70+ years without him and I just don't think I can bear it.
No matter how many tears I cry, no matter how empty I feel, no matter how hard I try to keep on living, there's just nothing that can relieve me from this heartache.
I am so sorry. I can't begin to imagine what you are going through, and it'll be a while until you can manage at all normally. Can you stay with or near someone close to you for awhile? Do you have to work right now, or do you have time off?
The only ones who understand what you're going through are other young people who lost a fiance/spouse at a very young age and they do exist in large numbers. You not only lost the love of your life but your future children that you both had planned.
If only there was a magic pill that could ease your pain and suffering but it doesn't exist.
I went through a traumatic experience last November that left me in a state of deep depression. Doing daily basics like showering, cooking, opening mail, etc was extremely difficult. I had completely lost the will to live. It's only recently that I'm feeling a little better.
Your late finance will always be the greatest love of your life. The people who you come in contact with mean well but they can't help you. Only those who have lost a fiance/spouse at a young age would understand what you're going through.
I don't know what else to say. I'm so completely sad at your loss. Life is so unfair.
First of all, I am so sorry for your loss. I do understand how you feel. It is overwhelming. I lost my first husband when I was 26 and he was 27 even more unexpectedly than you - he was killed in a motorcycle wreck - ran off the road by himself - no one to blame. That was 40years ago and I can tell you that time does heal all wounds...if you let it. I had no idea what I was going to do with myself afterwards. He just evaporated from my life...went out with a friend and never came back. Perhaps because I had my faith to help me, I don't know - but I managed to get my life back and move on. I am certain he would not want you to spend your life like this - but you do need time to grieve and I highly recommend you do whatever you need to accomplish that. You are both in my thoughts and prayers.
