I really do not resent her struggle. I think the vent put a lot of fluid in her airway so that it was made her breathing rattly and loud when it was taken out. I don't want to get graphic about it. I think the dark feeling I am talking about is coming more from a place of losing her, not what I have seen (although I do feel like it was traumatic, I would not have been anywhere else but by her side). I have not had someone so close to me ripped away so suddenly. you hear about horrible things happening to people but don't really take time to thing that you might one day have to deal with something so horrible. Now i feel like those horrible things might be lurking just around the corner - that is the darkness (I have no idea if this makes sense, I am not thinking of specific bad things, but death and all of that can happen at any moment, and that idea is very real to me now).
also, I think if it had not been for her broken ribs, she would still be with us. That injury really exacerbated her breathing issues. It created a flare up of sorts and she was having such a hard time catching her breath that she would not be able to speak with me on the phone. And although I think her COPD was much worse than I realized before she died, I believe that she probably would have lived for quite some time still if it had not been for the ribs. I am sorry if the COPD issue brought something up for you.
Just wanted to clarify that. I am not mad or resentful in any way, especially at her (although I do have a shorter temper in general now, and I am much more assertive for some reason...