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angelwish 10-02-2012 01:48 PM

My Husband Jealous of Grief For Ex
 
Hello, This is my first time here and I wonder if anyone has been through this. I divorced my husband twenty years ago. We had two beautiful kids together,
Well, he just died last week and I am devastated. I had no idea losing your ex would be so devastating.

My new husband of 3 years is upset by my grief - even jealous. I tell him it is a shared decades long history due to children, and remorse over the pain of the relationship we weren't able or willing to maintain.

rosequartz 10-02-2012 02:52 PM

Re: My Husband Jealous of Grief For Ex
 
I'm sorry you're dealing with this and also on top of it having to deal with your current husband acting like this......
you're also grieving for your children who have lost a father......(if that would make him feel any better).....but you shouldn't have to "explain" your grief and justify it to him.....he should be supportive regardless.....his partner is HURTING, there is no room for him to act like a jealous child.

NSANMOM24 10-03-2012 04:14 AM

Re: My Husband Jealous of Grief For Ex
 
I'm so sorry for your loss. I think just continuing to help your current DH understand, and communicating with him will help--that and time. I think it is just his insecurities coming out. You feel what you feel, and you need support in that. Thinking of you both, hope he comes around. Keep him talking about it though, my DH is not the best communicator, if you can both be honest about your feelings, that is a step in the right direction. (((((hugs)))))).
C

angelwish 10-03-2012 06:09 AM

Re: My Husband Jealous of Grief For Ex
 
Thanks Nasanmom24,
I needed to hear that confirmation from someone. I sometimes think it's harder when there is little communication. A miracle happened last nite: he apologized & admitted he thought my grief was due to loving my ex more than him. I told him it was because of regrets & a fear I might have missed something that would've kept him alive longer. He was so young to die of cardiac arrest(59).

angelwish 10-03-2012 06:16 AM

Re: My Husband Jealous of Grief For Ex
 
Thanks Rosequartz, It is so true about hurting for the children, also. It hurts me so badly to feel that I might've failed their father in some way. It is really hard to think maybe if I'd stuck it out, they might still have their father with them. I didn't know about recovery programs I might've helped encourage him with.

And now my son is drinking heavily to cope & I am so scared he could end up the same way.

rosequartz 10-04-2012 10:47 AM

Re: My Husband Jealous of Grief For Ex
 
[QUOTE=angelwish;5066340]Thanks Rosequartz, It is so true about hurting for the children, also. It hurts me so badly to feel that I might've failed their father in some way. It is really hard to think maybe if I'd stuck it out, they might still have their father with them. I didn't know about recovery programs I might've helped encourage him with.

And now my son is drinking heavily to cope & I am so scared he could end up the same way.[/QUOTE]

anglewish.....it's too easy to try to blame ourselves when things like this happen. I had an old boyfriend die and I discovered it by accident while reading the obits one day. He had a massive stroke, his brain just exploded. I wondered myself if I was still with him, would he still be alive? I wanted to believe that somehow maybe I could have helped him, but the truth is, we're only human and we have very little control over a lot of things in life. Go easy on yourself. I doubt if you (or me) could have changed the outcome.

angelwish 10-16-2012 02:31 PM

Re: My Husband Jealous of Grief For Ex
 
rosequartz, thanks so for your kind reply. It was something I needed to hear. I meant to say so sooner, but once the funeral was over I was too upset to go online or anywhere for awhile.

rosequartz 10-16-2012 02:56 PM

Re: My Husband Jealous of Grief For Ex
 
angelwish i'm glad i could help.....how are you doing?

angelwish 10-16-2012 03:22 PM

Re: My Husband Jealous of Grief For Ex
 
I am better, rosequartz. Thanks so for asking. I was a panic for about a month, though. Once the funeral ends at least the family stresses are lighter.

It's going to take me awhile, though because I know had I been more mature, I would've preferred to reconcile with him & try to help him. I feel I failed he & our children by not being so. That will take time to come to terms with. I have nobody to blame for my flaws of character.

rosequartz 10-16-2012 03:26 PM

Re: My Husband Jealous of Grief For Ex
 
Angelwish, please don't blame yourself, you're grieving.....
guilt is one of the stages. You didn't fail him or your children.
You couldn't have saved him......

angelwish 10-16-2012 08:42 PM

Re: My Husband Jealous of Grief For Ex
 
You sure know how to say something I definately needed to hear. I've got to lighten up, somehow.
You know the thing about death is all your intentions toward the other person come to such an abrupt ending and then all you have left are the things you actually said or did in reality. No more chances to repair any misunderstandings.

One thing I am learning is to be less proud and more present with people I really love amongst the still living.

rosequartz 10-17-2012 06:00 AM

Re: My Husband Jealous of Grief For Ex
 
[QUOTE=angelwish;5073572]You sure know how to say something I definately needed to hear. I've got to lighten up, somehow.
You know the thing about death is all your intentions toward the other person come to such an abrupt ending and then all you have left are the things you actually said or did in reality. No more chances to repair any misunderstandings.

One thing I am learning is to be less proud and more present with people I really love amongst the still living.[/QUOTE]

yeah death is so final, everything stops abruptly and it's a great shock to the system (to both the one who died and the ones left behind). Don't despair. Even if you can't repair misunderstandings, I think you can still "make peace" with yourself and with the departed person. maybe visit his grave and talk to him, tell him the things you didn't get a chance to say. I did that with that boyfriend I mentioned who died of the stroke. And on another note, he visited me one day in a dream to let me know that he was ok. It was more than a dream, it was so vivid.....he looked at me and he had a huge smile on his face and I said "I thought you were......." and I couldn't say the word "dead", it just wouldn't come out, and he smirked and said "do I look dead to you?" I remember him saying something to the effect of "this is great", I wrote down the dream and filed it because I didn't want to forget it, but he definately conveyed to me that he was doing well, wherever he was....
Have you ever heard of the dragonfly legend? if not, do a search for it, it's pretty cool

angelwish 10-20-2012 09:23 PM

Re: My Husband Jealous of Grief For Ex
 
rosequartz,
This is interesting your thoughts. I like to believe he may be able to visit us in his spirit/energy body. I have had [I]encounters[I][/I][/I] in the past - most vividly with my cat who came to visit after she died, to comfort me, I believe, as I was crying for her one night.

I was awake, but resting on my bed with eyes closed. She came and walked up and down the length of my body, like she always used to do. I was afraid to open my eyes, but she came to see me. Scarey & comfort all at once! So I think if a CAT can do this, then maybe a human can, also.

I read the legend you mentioned & had also come to associate dragonflies with the souls of ones who have crossed over. I seldom see them here, but I did see two at a cemetery when my friend died, and last week when I was praying/crying for a sign that he (the ex) is still alright.

jakes1mom 10-20-2012 10:22 PM

Re: My Husband Jealous of Grief For Ex
 
[QUOTE=angelwish;5066008]Hello, This is my first time here and I wonder if anyone has been through this. I divorced my husband twenty years ago. We had two beautiful kids together,
Well, he just died last week and I am devastated. I had no idea losing your ex would be so devastating.

My new husband of 3 years is upset by my grief - even jealous. I tell him it is a shared decades long history due to children, and remorse over the pain of the relationship we weren't able or willing to maintain.[/QUOTE]
So sorry you're having a hard time right now. Death is never easy for anyone, even when we loose those who we aren't close to anymore.I am even more sorry for you being treated this way by your new hubby. Sounds like to me, he might be a little bit insecure with himself, or your marriage one or the other.Just be glad you're children have you right now, to share the grief with them, that has to mean a lot to them.Good luck to you, may the good Lord continue to bless you.

rosequartz 10-21-2012 08:39 AM

Re: My Husband Jealous of Grief For Ex
 
that is so cool that you saw the dragonflies when you were praying for a sign from him.....I think he sent you a sign! :)
I also was visited in a "dream" by my beloved pug who died in 2006. He visited me in a dream on my birthday in 2008, and he brought his buddy Sarge, my friends german shepard who had also crossed over. Again, it was more than a dream, it was vivid and it had a real meaning and a message to it. I took it to mean he was ok, in good company and wanted to wish me a happy birthday. It was the greatest gift! I believe our loved ones are still connected to us and want us to be at peace, and I believe we will see them again. Please be at peace.


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