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Old 11-24-2012, 05:32 PM   #1
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Lost husband & brother same day...

Hi, I'm Dannie55...in April '11 I was taking care of my youngest brother (50). He was dying from cirrhosis . This was especially sad because of his 10 yr old son.
On the morning of 4/19/11 my brother stopped responding...hospice said it was time...time to call the rest of my family...so I did. On his way there, my husband was killed in a head on crash. My brother passed 8 hrs later....needless to say, I don't remember much of the next few days after that.
Just like all of you...he was my life, heart & soul...married 29 years, 4 kids, 7 grands.....
I got to experience the " knowing someone is dying" and the " sudden death" of a loved one....both suck, no matter. I am being treated for PTSD now. I know I'm not the same person anymore....how could I be. I am here because I'm looking for others who know how I feel...everyone is so nice to me but they still don't understand....I just need to know I'm not alone....

Last edited by Dana55; 11-24-2012 at 05:36 PM.

 
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Old 11-24-2012, 07:01 PM   #2
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Re: Lost husband & brother same day......

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dannie55 View Post
Hi, I'm Dannie55...in April '11 I was taking care of my youngest brother (50). He was dying from cirrhosis . This was especially sad because of his 10 yr old son.
On the morning of 4/19/11 my brother stopped responding...hospice said it was time...time to call the rest of my family...so I did. On his way there, my husband was killed in a head on crash. My brother passed 8 hrs later....needless to say, I don't remember much of the next few days after that.
Just like all of you...he was my life, heart & soul...married 29 years, 4 kids, 7 grands.....
I got to experience the " knowing someone is dying" and the " sudden death" of a loved one....both suck, no matter. I am being treated for PTSD now. I know I'm not the same person anymore....how could I be. I am here because I'm looking for others who know how I feel...everyone is so nice to me but they still don't understand....I just need to know I'm not alone....
Your not alone Dannie,

Although I didn't loose my loved ones in the same manner, I too am feeling alone. I lost My father 10/2010, My Mother 10/2011, and my beloved sister 11/2/2012. After my father passed, my sister was diagnosed with stage 3 pancreatic cancer, which was inoperable. I was with her every single day and night of her treatment. So hard!!

I also am being treated for PTSD, deep depression, and anxiety. So I do understand how you are feeling. The holidays are especially hard. I'm also here to not feel so alone. My sister was only 53, and was my best friend. We spoke every day. I still have the urge to pick up the phone to call her, then I start crying.

I can't even imagine how you got through you tragic loss. I'm so sorry, is all anyone can say. But as we all know, no matter what anyone says, there is no comfort. I'm glad your here. It just helps to have someone to talk to.
Peace be with you,

 
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Old 11-25-2012, 08:22 PM   #3
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Re: Lost husband & brother same day......

Bobbi, that's a lot of family to lose...2 years prior to losing my husband & bro I took care of one of my other bros too, same thing, he passed away and I thought then I could never bear to lose anyone else...ya know, grief destroys you...it consumes us, and no one wants to talk about it. I used to be afraid to die, to leave my kids or husband.....not so much anymore. I would never do anything, I'm just not worried anymore.

I know what ya mean about wanting to call your sister, I catch myself doing the same thing.

And I hate the meds !!! But I guess it's better than the alternative...do you still have family left? Isn't it amazing how much it changes the whole family dynamic....I'm sorry, I'm rambling...thanks for your post, if ya ever need to chat, or rant or do some Internet crying Ill be here....take care of yourself

 
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Old 11-26-2012, 03:44 PM   #4
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Re: Lost husband & brother same day......

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Originally Posted by Dannie55 View Post
Bobbi, that's a lot of family to lose...2 years prior to losing my husband & bro I took care of one of my other bros too, same thing, he passed away and I thought then I could never bear to lose anyone else...ya know, grief destroys you...it consumes us, and no one wants to talk about it. I used to be afraid to die, to leave my kids or husband.....not so much anymore. I would never do anything, I'm just not worried anymore.

I know what ya mean about wanting to call your sister, I catch myself doing the same thing.

And I hate the meds !!! But I guess it's better than the alternative...do you still have family left? Isn't it amazing how much it changes the whole family dynamic....I'm sorry, I'm rambling...thanks for your post, if ya ever need to chat, or rant or do some Internet crying Ill be here....take care of yourself
Hey Dannie,

To answer your question about any family left. Yes, I have a younger sister who for some reason had cut herself out of our lives years ago. I also have a younger brother but I haven't seen him since he was 13. He has spent his entire adult life in prison, (drugs).
My oldest girl calls and comes around, but I hardly hear from my youngest, although she is in college full time and works full time. She wants to be a Veterinarian. Plus she live about 70 miles from me.
So I guess you could say my family dynamics have changed a great deal in 2 years. I've been thinking about finding a group therapy place. Just to have some place to go on a regular basis. Maybe even a one on one therapist. It couldn't hurt.
Don't worry about you rambling, I don't mind. I tend to do it to. I know what you mean about death changing the way you look at your own mortality. Since my sisters passing, I think about it all the time. But being depressed doesn't help.
How are your children handling the loss of their father? I really can't imagine what you went through. I'm glad we have found each other. I think we probably think a like, and face thing head on. But grief is a tough one to deal with by yourself.
Well I have to go.
Take Care

 
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Old 11-26-2012, 11:06 PM   #5
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Re: Lost husband & brother same day......

Hi, I just want to pass along my support for both of you. I did not have the same situation as you but I do know the hold grief takes on you.

I am one of 3 children. My younger brother was diagnosed with leukemia in June 2003. He had a bone marrow transplant in Sept. While he beat the leukemia, he had issues with the graft vs host disease that sometimes accompanies transplants. He passed away in Dec 2003, four days before his 25th birthday.

My older brother was handicapped and my parents were told he probably would not make it to his first birthday. His health had been steadily declining for a while. He passed in June 2005, on the anniversary of when my younger brother was diagnosed. He was 33 years old.

So here I was. I lost both of my brothers within a year and a half. My mother and I were growing further and further apart. I truly felt all alone. It took a long time for me to feel "normal" again. I will always miss my brothers but they are always with me.

The worst thing that someone said to me after my older brother passed was... "well, now you're an only." That made me so mad. I have 2 brothers and I will always have 2 brothers.

Sorry to ramble. I just wanted to share my story and support.

 
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Old 11-27-2012, 06:39 AM   #6
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Re: Lost husband & brother same day......

Thanks, I'm glad I found you....I have to go to work, it's our busy season ( garden shop/country store...I will write soon I promise....hang in there

 
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Old 11-27-2012, 12:03 PM   #7
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Re: Lost husband & brother same day...

Hi Dannie,
Comfort, Comfort, Comfort. It is out there. My losses were of my parents and we were 3 peas in a pod. I found my comfort in the scriptures. My favorite is the promise at John 5:28,29. Death is not natural, in our hearts we can live on and on, it has become accepted as normal, but it is certainly not natural. Death was described to me this way once: We can't stop it, just like we can't stop a bad snow storm. So what do we do, prepare....how? hope and comfort. Put on hope and comfort like a warm down coat and don't take it off. Cry because you must but your tears are Precious tears your heavenly father sees your tears.

 
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Old 11-27-2012, 08:24 PM   #8
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Re: Lost husband & brother same day...

Sorry about your parents and thanks so much for your words, but I am not a spiritual person WHAT SO EVER , but I do understand how one might find comfort in scripture....how long ago did you lose your parents? It's been a year an a half...I'm finding ways to cope and I especially find comfort here, with others who understand my feelings......thanks again

 
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Old 11-28-2012, 06:06 AM   #9
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Re: Lost husband & brother same day...

I lost my Mom in Nov 2006 Black Friday in more ways than one now. And my Dad June 2009. It's a void that cannot be filled until a certain hope is realized.

Last edited by Administrator; 11-30-2012 at 05:04 PM.

 
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Old 11-28-2012, 06:50 PM   #10
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Wink Re: Lost husband & brother same day...

Sorry it took me so long to get back to you...I agree, you seem to be a lot like me...and we always have GRIEF in common !!! I had written you this big long post...telling my story in detail...it was sort of therapeutic to write it out.
It was very hard on my kids. One of my daughters was with us all the time, her, her husband and kids...and we all hung out with my brother and his son...so when we lost them both at least we all had each other. One of my boys was in Japan, USMC, and the Red Cross was very helpful with getting him home. My oldest daughter lives down south, so it took her a few days to get here.
We had a wake on a Monday night and funeral on tues. for my bro. Then my Joe's on Thursday/Friday...WHAT A WEEK !!!!
So..any tips? Did you say you wanted to go to therapy? I have been seeing a shrink for 5 years now...I'm an addict, clean 5 years, he's been a tremendous help thru all this...I'm not crazy about the meds for depression, but it better for me and I am finally accepting that. I went to a therapist...she didn't help much...so I've been looking for a support group to go to...not many close by, but I'll keep looking...it's what my doc says I need. That's how I found this site...and glad I did.
Well Bobbi, I have to try to sleep, early day tomorrow. Hey...am I crazy for wanting to talk about this so much? I sure hope not LOL!!!
Taken care and hope to hear from ya soon

 
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Old 11-28-2012, 08:15 PM   #11
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Re: Lost husband & brother same day...

NO YOUR NOT CRAZY! That's what so therapeutic about this, you find someone that you connect with. Congrats on 5 yrs. Stay strong, one day at a time! Something else we have in common. 23 yrs clean, 15 yrs sober. I have a nephew in the MC, and one of my sisters boys is a Navy seal.

Last edited by Administrator; 11-29-2012 at 08:36 PM.

 
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Old 11-29-2012, 06:04 AM   #12
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Smile Re: Lost husband & brother same day...

Wow !!! And congrats right back at ya !!! I'm most proud of not using when this all happen. I just turned 57 & I wish we were closer too...it would be nice to spend time with someone who truly understands. So what do you do, I mean for work? I work at my daughters shop....plants are my niche...although I've had a ton of other jobs that's one thing I know.

I liked what you said about getting angry & laugh....I do lots of that...not so much the angry....I was mad because I had spent 3 months prior with my brother. He was 50, divorced with a 11 year old son. He lived with my mom. Cirrhosis is a pitiful disease. It was really hard because he absolutely wound NOT accept the fact he was going to die. No matter how many drs told him...nature of the beast I guess. I had lost my older bro Paul just 2 years prior...same thing...except Paul sat & suffered in silence. My Joe ( hub ) helped me care for Paul, he was very modest. When he could no longer walk and was so jaundiced and bloated that he agreed to go . I feel bad because the last thing I said to him was..." They'll just give you meds and send you home..." By the time I got to the hosp he was so medicated we never spoke again...he died 5 days later...

Here I go again...off on a ramble, sorry

Okay so, Have a good day Bobbi

Last edited by Administrator; 11-29-2012 at 08:36 PM.

 
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Old 11-29-2012, 02:35 PM   #13
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Re: Lost husband & brother same day...

TY for congrat. I really haven't thought about it for some time. That is til what Loraine and I went through with her cancer. I wanted a drink so bad, but I then could hear Loraine, "What the hell are you doing", lol she would be so upset with me. It still crosses my mind, but I won't. So no matter how many years you have in you still have to resist the urges. It does get easier with time though.
My new challenge is quitting smoking. I started today.

Bobbi

Last edited by Administrator; 11-30-2012 at 05:03 PM.

 
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