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Old 12-27-2012, 11:47 PM   #1
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Join Date: Dec 2012
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ErickaM58 HB User
My dad passed away, and my heart is hurting so much

My dad passed away last week from several different diseases. He had a brain tumour and leukaemia. We all knew he was sick, but we never knew it was this severe. It was the day he passed away that i went to see him and he was in a coma. I had never seen him like this before.
It kills me to know he had so much hope to get better and to go away on a trip with me. We had planned to leave end of january and I had never seen him so excited. I was never that close to my dad, but he meant the world to me so I always made an effort to call him (parents are divorced) and to see him.
I'm only 16 and my brother is 18. He was suffering so much the past few days that it makes me feel better to know he doesn't have to suffer anymore but I wish he didn't have to ever suffer, I wish he was never sick.
Anyway, I just miss him so much, I keep remembering our days together and how much he made me laugh. I miss his smell and his voice. I just can't picture my life without him. I want to go away with him like we were suppose to, I want to spend the new year with him and be grateful for the dad I have. But ill never be able to do those things, and it also kills me to know he won't be there to see my brother and I get married, meet his grandchildren and watch me graduate. I want to see him again, I want to hold him, I want to do all the thing we use to do.
The pain is killing me inside out and I don't know what to do. Everything I do reminds me of him, why did this have to happen, he didn't deserve to die. He was so young too, only 54. He was there one minute and the next he's gone...
Everyone has been telling me the pain will go away, but never full away. I don't want that, because i know that everyday that passes is another day since the last time i've seen him.
Why is it bad things happen to good people, I've never done anything to deserve this. And even though my dad has never always been there for me and my brother, he tried so hard to be the best he could ever be, and I just always thought he would be here longer.
I try not to think about it during the day, but at night I just reminisce and I keep remembering how I'll never be able to see him again.
What am I suppose to do, I miss him so much, and I never told him. I want to be able to tell him.

 
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Old 01-06-2013, 10:28 PM   #2
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Join Date: Jan 2013
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onmiwei HB User
Re: My dad passed away, and my heart is hurting so much

I am 40 and today is 5 months since my father's accident that lead to us having to pull life support on him. I tell you it isn't easy at my age either. I was decent for the first two months then my birthday came along with all the holiday's as well as my anniversary. I also lost my job two weeks after my dad died due to being laid off after a new company bought out the company I worked for..and just a week and half ago my family and I were hit by a drunk driver coming home from my husband's birthday dinner.

I don't think the pain will ever really go away. I think you will always miss him it will just get easier to deal with over time. I think for you with him missing so much of your young life it will always weigh on you. I wish I had words to help you feel better but I can't even find them for myself.

I think every day of how I "killed" my father following his wishes to be taken off life support. I know in my intellectual mind that he would not have made it, he fell head first off a ladder onto a log from 12-15 feet. My mom doesn't know how long he laid in the driveway before she got home but the blood was already drying. He was life flighted 2 hours away and when he got there they were going to call time of death but he had a reflex movement. Since my mom was still driving there they did the surgery not having anyone to ask what his advance directive or if he even had one said. During surgery he stroked out several times and when the doctor was closing him up his brain was leaking CSF and the left half of his brain was completely lacerated. Even knowing all this plus that he was in the early stages of dementia my emotional mind says I should have kept him on life support. Some miracle might have happened. It really kills me.

The upcoming year will be very hard..I didn't want my birthday. The first one I wouldn't hear my dad say Happy Birthday and hear the story of how proud he was of me. The first card that said "love mom" not "love mom and dad."

I feel so badly for you because I know the special days I had with my father that you will be missing. I find myself being so mad that my dad, he had his dad for 65 years of his life and his mother up until the year before his death...71 years of his life. I lost mine before I turned 40 due to him getting on the stupid ladder (he fell once before and nearly died and was on life support that time as well) he was obsessed with his darn ladder. With the longevity in my family I could go half my life without my dad and I just want to scream at him for taking more time away from me. Even though in reality in a few short years with the dementia he might not even know who I was..which would have killed me as well. So at least we were spared that and he never had to had to live in a nursing home. I think of all that then I remember how my husband lost his mom at age 16...how people like you lose their dad's so young...we are retired military and live in a military community so we have lots of younger children who lost their parent in the war. I feel so guilty and selfish for being mad at my dad then.

I wish there were words to make you feel better, but so far I have found none that do that for me. Just remember how you are feeling is what is right for you. I find myself in a store and something will jump out at me and I start to cry...I feel ashamed and try to hide but I know people can see. I find myself trying to explain the tears...It is hard. Surround yourself with loved ones and friends who understand and who you can lean on. Just remember he loved you and would want you to have a great life. I am an artist and I am making small tributes to my dad in my art work. Try to incorporate things of your dad's or that remind you of your dad on special days like graduation, weddings, ect.

I wish for you a very great life...and remember your dad loved you.

 
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Old 01-06-2013, 10:41 PM   #3
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Join Date: Jan 2013
Location: Clarksville
Posts: 2
onmiwei HB User
Re: My dad passed away, and my heart is hurting so much

I am 40 and today is 5 months since my father's accident that lead to us having to pull life support on him. I tell you it isn't easy at my age either. I was decent for the first two months then my birthday came along with all the holiday's as well as my anniversary. I also lost my job two weeks after my dad died due to being laid off after a new company bought out the company I worked for..and just a week and half ago my family and I were hit by a drunk driver coming home from my husband's birthday dinner.

I don't think the pain will ever really go away. I think you will always miss him it will just get easier to deal with over time. I think for you with him missing so much of your young life it will always weigh on you. I wish I had words to help you feel better but I can't even find them for myself.

I think every day of how I "killed" my father following his wishes to be taken off life support. I know in my intellectual mind that he would not have made it, he fell head first off a ladder onto a log from 12-15 feet. My mom doesn't know how long he laid in the driveway before she got home but the blood was already drying. He was life flighted 2 hours away and when he got there they were going to call time of death but he had a reflex movement. Since my mom was still driving there they did the surgery not having anyone to ask what his advance directive or if he even had one said. During surgery he stroked out several times and when the doctor was closing him up his brain was leaking CSF and the left half of his brain was completely lacerated. Even knowing all this plus that he was in the early stages of dementia my emotional mind says I should have kept him on life support. Some miracle might have happened. It really kills me.

The upcoming year will be very hard..I didn't want my birthday. The first one I wouldn't hear my dad say Happy Birthday and hear the story of how proud he was of me. The first card that said "love mom" not "love mom and dad."

I feel so badly for you because I know the special days I had with my father that you will be missing. I find myself being so mad that my dad, he had his dad for 65 years of his life and his mother up until the year before his death...71 years of his life. I lost mine before I turned 40 due to him getting on the stupid ladder (he fell once before and nearly died and was on life support that time as well) he was obsessed with his darn ladder. With the longevity in my family I could go half my life without my dad and I just want to scream at him for taking more time away from me. Even though in reality in a few short years with the dementia he might not even know who I was..which would have killed me as well. So at least we were spared that and he never had to had to live in a nursing home. I think of all that then I remember how my husband lost his mom at age 16...how people like you lose their dad's so young...we are retired military and live in a military community so we have lots of younger children who lost their parent in the war. I feel so guilty and selfish for being mad at my dad then.

I wish there were words to make you feel better, but so far I have found none that do that for me. Just remember how you are feeling is what is right for you. I find myself in a store and something will jump out at me and I start to cry...I feel ashamed and try to hide but I know people can see. I find myself trying to explain the tears...It is hard. Surround yourself with loved ones and friends who understand and who you can lean on. Just remember he loved you and would want you to have a great life. I am an artist and I am making small tributes to my dad in my art work. Try to incorporate things of your dad's or that remind you of your dad on special days like graduation, weddings, ect.

I wish for you a very great life...and remember your dad loved you.

 
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